


Reading Between The Lines

by firstdegreeburns



Series: For Forever: Two Nights Only! [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe- Bands and Musicians, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Galaxy Gals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety, the siblings are in a band, treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 06:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 74,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11641329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstdegreeburns/pseuds/firstdegreeburns
Summary: Evan Hansen is pretty boring, according to him, at least. He goes to college, lives with Jared, and hides out in his bedroom on Saturday nights watching Netflix. But when he meets the famous singer Connor Murphy at one of his concerts, he begins to realize that there's a lot more to life than Jared's extremely delicious muffins.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i suck at summaries if you can't tell. 
> 
> anyways, this is my first attempt at posting a fic and i don't really know what i'm doing! but here's some important information you might need to know before reading:
> 
> ~Everyone lives in New York  
> ~Connor and Zoe are in a band together  
> ~Evan is an environmental science major and Jared is computer science major  
> ~Alana is the band's manager/Zoe's girlfriend  
> ~Larry owns a huge record label and keeps trying to control the bands career  
> ~Heidi Hansen is The Best Mom™ (as usual)  
> ~Evan has social anxiety and Connor has bipolar disorder and depression that they both have been getting help for
> 
> i'll post the trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter too!
> 
> okay i think that's all for now! hope you enjoy!
> 
> tw: self-hatred, panic

_Today’s_ _Headline News: Zoe and Connor Murphy’s- better known as the brother/sister band, ‘For Forever’- final two concerts of the ‘Sincerely Me’ tour to be held in New York this weekend._

 “EVAN HANSEN GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!”

Evan rolled over onto his stomach and dug his head into his pillow, trying to block out his roommate’s voice. He turned his head to look at the digital clock, squinting at the bright sunlight filtering in through the flimsy blue curtains. _6:58am_. Way too early to deal with anyone.

Footsteps thumped towards Evan’s tiny room and Jared Kleinman threw open the door with a bang. “Evan, are you deaf or something? Get up!”

“J-Jared, wh-what do y-you want?” Evan stuttered as he buried his head underneath the covers.

“Look what I got us!” Jared jumped onto Evan’s bed and shove a piece of white paper in his face. Evan scanned the blurry words in front of him and sucked in a huge gulp of air.

“Y-You got us tickets to see ‘For Forever? But th-they’re sold out?”

“Yep. Some kid in my class had them and can't go, so he gave them to me.” Jared smirked. “Plus, I know you have a crush on that Connor Murphy kid.”

Evan blushed red and clutched his pillow, picking at a loose thread. “I don’t have a crush on C-Connor Murphy? And anyways, I c-can’t go.”

“Um, why the fuck not? And give me that pillow, you’re gonna destroy it.”

“T-They’ll be so many people there and I’ll freak out and then everyone's going t-to th-think I’m crazy and then w-we’ll get kicked out and probably arrested and-” Evan gasped for air after saying all this without taking a breath. “I just c-can’t do it.”

“Dude. It's literally just a concert. You'll be fine.” Jared stood up and threw the pillow at Evan’s head. “We’re leaving for work in twenty minutes." He strutted out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Evan was shaking. He reached across his bed to his nightstand and closed his fingers around a small pill bottle. He struggled with opening the cap before it popped off, and he swallowed two pills dry. Wincing at the taste, Evan took some deep breaths, and tried to calm his racing heart.

_‘God Evan, can you not do anything right? Normal people can go to a concert without freaking out, but no, you just have to screw everything up. Can’t even talk to your only friend without panicking. Pathetic.’_

“Shut up,” Evan muttered to himself. He stood up on shaky legs and yanked open his curtains, revealing the streets of New York many stories below. Evan and Jared had been accepted into NYU at the same time and moved into a small, off-campus apartment together two years ago, right after finishing high school. Even though Jared was an asshole 90% of the time, they had known each other since they were babies, as a result of their moms being best friends. Also, Evan didn’t really have any other friends. So, Jared it was. Even though Jared is always mean to him and is definitely sick of Evan by now. He's only sharing an apartment with him because it's less money, and even though he's an adult, his parents keep paying his car insurance as long as he's with Evan. The first chance Jared gets, he's going to kick him onto the streets and-

_‘Focus, Evan.’_

Evan tugged a comb through his tangled honey-blond hair and pulled on his normal blue polo shirt and khakis. He knew that Jared used to only hang out with him back in high school because his parents forced him to, but eventually, they grew together after many all nighters and bonding over being the two biggest losers in school. Not like much had changed, for Evan at least. When Evan had moved away from home two years ago, his mom had promised that everything would be different, that college would make it easier for him to make friends.

She had lied.

People still stare at Evan whenever he stutters over his words when asking a question. People still snicker when he trips over his own two feet while walking down the hallway. And people still don’t talk to him.

‘ _Because you’re worthless.’_

Squeezing his eyes shut to block out the voices in his head, Evan stepped into the hall and wandered out to the kitchen where Jared was sitting finishing a leftover slice of pizza from last night.

“Y-You know th-that y-you shouldn't eat pizza for breakfast, right?”

Jared popped the crust into his mouth with a grin and licked his fingers. “And when have I ever given a fuck?” He grabbed a set of keys off the counter and walked out the front door. Evan sighed and pulled at the hem of his shirt, staying rooted to the spot. “You coming tree boy?” called Jared from the hall. Evan shook himself back to reality and trailed after him.

**********

Evan wiped down the counter of the empty coffee shop and adjusted his apron around his hips. Him and Jared had been hired as baristas about a year ago in order to afford food and even though Evan found it hard to talk to the customers, it turned out that he was one of the best at making coffee and Jared could bake to kill. The calming atmosphere of the tiny store made it easier to breathe. Also, focusing on the task at hand helped him lessen his anxiety and made him forget that he was a weirdo that couldn’t even ask where the bathroom was without panicking.

Evan threw his cloth into the sink and listened to Jared yell at a batch of muffins to ‘rise up’ or something equally as dumb. He rolled his eyes to himself and reached over to flip on the radio to drown out Jared’s screeching.

“And coming up next is number one on the countdown, ‘Waving Through A Window,’ by ‘For Forever!’

As the first notes of the song fell from the speaker, Evan grinned and started to dance around the coffee machines, humming underneath his breath. ‘For Forever’ really was his favourite band, and if he did think that the lead singer was cute, nobody needed to know. He would've loved to be normal and be able to go to a concert without basically dying inside, but his anxiety loves to go ‘nope, joke’s on you.’

Evan did a little twirl and struck a pose to the last note, a little out of breath. For a few moments, he stayed in the same position until he heard slow, sarcastic clapping from the front of the shop. He jumped about a foot into the air, and turned a cherry red. He fiddled with his shirt and lifted his eyes a little in order to see a tall, slim man standing a few meters away.

The man walked a little closer and Evan got a better look at him. He was wearing a black hoodie with black skinny jeans and lace up combat boots. He had shoulder length, slightly curly, dark brown hair and was wearing huge dark sunglasses that covered his eyes. Perfectly painted black polish adorned his nails, and his lips were turned upwards in a smirk.

‘ _He looks familiar…’_

“You like that band?”

Evan jumped for the second time in the past minute, realizing that the man was talking to him. “O-Oh! M-me? Um… y-yeah they’re my f-favourite b-band.” He paused before thinking the polite thing to do was ask him a question back. “D-Do y-you like them?”

The stranger snorted. “Sure, you could say that.” Evan picked at his fingers and tried to understand what he meant. “Soooooo… can I order or not?” Evan laughed nervously and shuffled over to the cash register. “Um… wh-what do you w-want?” he asked, his voice cracking on the last word.

The man chuckled at Evan’s lack of confidence- or at least, that’s what it seemed like to Evan. “Medium coffee. Black.”

“W-What's your n-name? I'm n-not trying to b-be creepy or anything i-it's just f-for the, the cup! Y-Yeah! Oh my g-god I’msorryI’msorryI’m-”

“Woah, calm down…” the stranger tilted his head down a little, towards his name tag and narrowed his eyebrows. “...Evan?” Evan gave a quick nod and stared at the floor. “I’m Connor.”

Evan grabbed a sharpie out of his apron pocket and fiddled with the cap for a minute before opening his mouth again. “D-Do you spell i-it with an O o-or an E?” Most coffee shops wouldn't ask for the exact spelling, especially when there was literally no one else in the room, so it wouldn't even matter if he didn't ask at all, but Evan was always terrified that people might get mad and yell at him if he messed up. He really, really, did not like any sort of unnecessary attention.

The man cocked his eyebrow, so that it was just visible above his glasses. “With an O,” he stated, as if it was the stupidest question in the world.

“Oh y-yeah, of c-course.” Evan blushed and scribbled out ‘Connor’ in shaky handwriting. He began to run around the kitchen, fiddling with the buttons on the coffee machine until a thick stream of dark liquid poured out. Seeing Connor stare at him out of the corner of his eye, Evan yanked the cup out from underneath the machine, slapping on a lid. “Um, here you go,” he said quietly, turning towards the front. Evan began to reach over the counter to hand the cup over to Connor, but instead, tripped over his own two feet and spilt the cup of boiling hot liquid all over his arm.

“Fuck,” Connor hissed. He grabbed some napkins out of the dispenser and smushed them onto his already-blistering hand, and the wet sleeve of his hoodie. “Fuck!” he repeated.

“OHMYGOD Iamsososososorry I d-d-didn't mean t-to ohmygodwhathaveidone s-s-s-sorrysorrysorry-” Evan continued on, apologies spilling from his lips like a waterfall. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes and the waves of panic that were descending on him were crushing his chest and making his knees feel weak. His hands were starting to shake and he could feel his face heating up and ohnonotnowpleasenotnow-

“Evan! What are you doing?” Jared cut Evan off as he walked up behind him and put on his ‘customer sympathy face’ for Connor. “So sorry about him sir, here, I’ll make you a new drink on the house.” Jared turned to Evan and whispered, “Just go to the back man, if you don't breathe, you're gonna pass out.” Evan whirled around and basically ran to the back room, completely missing Connor’s expression that was still fixed on him.

Evan slammed the door behind him and pressed his forehead to the cool wall. Trying to avoid one of his full-blown panic attacks, he breathed in for four seconds, held for four and out for four. He repeated this until he could feel his legs underneath him again and his face had returned to a semi-normal colour. In the background, he could hear the tinkling sound of the bell that indicates when someone leaves the shop. But honestly, he could care less if it was Connor freaking Murphy himself who walked through those doors at this point. Evan sank down, and placed his forehead on his knees, already tired even though it was barely 11am.

‘ _Today is_ ** _not_** _going to be a good day.’_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the concert!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, y'all should go check out @aliensinflowercrowns because they have a treebros band au that is so! good! 
> 
> tw: panic attack and self-hatred

 

_Today’s Headline News: Connor Murphy shoves reporter to the ground outside a coffee shop yesterday after he would supposedly not stop questioning Murphy about his personal life._

  
Connor Murphy sighed and threw his phone at the wall. Flopping down onto his bed, he frowned and brushed the hair out of his eyes. He didn’t _mean_ to push that reporter. It just sort of… happened. Connor wasn't having a good day in the first place, and when that dumbass came up to him and started questioning him about his non-existent love life he just sort of… snapped. It probably didn't help that the four-eyed idiot from the coffee shop had just screamed at the really cute barista, and ruined any chance of Connor having an actual conversation with him. Evan. He honestly didn't care that the boy had soaked his sweater with coffee, because he had about a million more like it. All he cared about was those gorgeous eyes that he’ll probably never see again. So it really wasn't the best time to ask Connor questions. And when the reporter had kept stepping closer and getting in Connor’s face, his vision just went _red_ and he flung his arms out, trying to get away. But apparently in this world, no can take a fucking hint and the reporter just stood there and ended up falling on his ass. And of course someone had to video it and post it on every fucking website that exists. But not the full thing in which the guy basically had his stupid microphone shoved down Connor’s throat. Oh, no. Just the part where Connor had ‘violently harassed’ him and stormed off. Because that was just Connor’s fucking fabulous life, wasn’t it?

“Connor, we have soundcheck in an hour, where- what the fuck are you doing?” Zoe poked her head in through the door, only to see her brother lying face down on his bed like a starfish. “Um, are you okay?”

Connor lifted his head and glared at her. “Fuck off.”

“Connor what's wrong?”

He sighed and flipped onto his back to face the ceiling. “Everything.”

Zoe rolled her eyes and sat down on the end of his bed. “Spill it.”

Connor made a motion towards his phone that was lying on the floor on the opposite side of the room. Zoe gave him a ‘you’ve got to be kidding me look,’ but Connor just raised his eyebrows. She sighed and grabbed the phone, putting in the password.

“How the fuck do you-”

“Shut up.”

Zoe scanned the screen that the phone had opened up to and her face softened slightly as she read the article. “Connor…”

“Save it Zoe,” Connor snapped. “I tried, okay? But he just kept get closer and closer and I couldn't do it. It’s not my fault.”

Zoe looked at him for a long moment, a questioning look on her face. “I didn't say it was.” Zoe stood up and made her way across the room, before pausing at the door and grinning over her shoulder. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here, okay? Things are different now.” Connor looked at his sister, and smiled slightly. “I know.

“Also, if you're not ready in five minutes, I'm leaving without you.”

**********

“I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY!”

_‘Does Jared have any other volume other than loud?’_ Evan wondered. He had been forced to sit in the car with his roommate for over an hour while listening to him sing along to Whitney the whole time. Evan could usually appreciate a good song, but after hearing Jared slaughter the high notes seventeen different times, he really wasn't in the mood to go listen to another three hours of pounding music. And be shoved around by screaming, sweaty people. And-

“Get your head out of the gutter dude, we’re heeeeeeeerrrrrre.”

Evan blinked and realized that they were parked in front of a huge stadium. There was a huge sign at the front with the words “FOR FOREVER: TWO NIGHTS ONLY!!” Radio stations had booths set up all over the parking lot, and it seemed like all of New York was crammed in front of Evan. Just looking at the throngs of people streaming in from all directions made his hands shake and heart beat erratically. He took a few deeps breaths until the thumping of his heart turned steady once more.

“Hey.”

Evan turned to look at Jared who was staring at him with something that looked like pity. Evan frowned at him a little. “You're going to be fine. Come on.” Jared put his normal smirk back on and hopped out of the car, slamming it with a bang. Evan grimaced and followed Jared into the stadium.

Jared skipped ahead, grinning wildly as Evan tripped after him, banging into at least ten different people on the way. He mumbled a quiet ‘sorry’ at them, but they all just glared at him like he killed their dog or something. Evan walked faster.

After making their way through security, Jared and Evan flopped into their seats, looking around at the thousands of people filling the room.

“That guy over there is looking at me,” Jared sang into Evan’s ear. He nudged Evan and jerked an elbow to his left, pointing towards a tall guy in a red hoodie. Red Hoodie winked and turned his attention towards the stage, where pulsing music was beating through the speakers, trying to get the crowd hyped up. “He is _sexy_.”

“Y-yeah, I guess he’s c-cute,” Evan agreed.

“I’m gonna go talk to him.”

“W-What? Y-You can’t leave!”

Jared rolled his eyes at Evan. “Just text me if you need me, okay? I’m only going to be a few minutes.” He winked at Evan and disappeared into the crowd to find the boy. Evan groaned and put his head in his hands. He should’ve known that this would happen.

_‘Of course he ditched you, I mean, who wouldn’t? Your “best friend” can’t even stand to be around you, so-’_

Evan was startled out of his thoughts by a loud voice over a speaker announcing that ‘For Forever’ was coming out in the next five minutes. The crowd screamed and cheered, and Evan jumped, a yelp escaping him. He shut his eyes tight, expecting thousands of eyes to pierce him with their stares. But no one even so much as looked at him.

_Weird._

Evan opened one eye and peered at the other people who were standing around him. Everyone was yelling ten times louder than his squeal had been, and he grinned slightly. He let out a small, experimental scream, and was pleasantly surprised when everyone around him continued ignore him. He was so proud of his discovery, that he almost missed it when Zoe and Connor Murphy ran onto the stage.

The noise level increased as the siblings waved at the crowd and started singing their hit song from a few years back that topped every chart in America. Evan found himself nodding along to the music and clapping along with the rest of the stadium. For once, it was nice being in a place where no one was paying any attention to him. The concert was really well put together with blood-pounding songs following soft, love ballads. He was so into it, that he didn't even notice that Jared had never came back, or that the concert was almost over.

“And this last song goes out to my girlfriend, Alana Beck, who is probably the best thing in my life-”

“Besides me!” Connor called out from his spot at the drums.

“Sure, whatever you say Connor,” Zoe laughed. Connor threw a drumstick at her. She caught it and tossed it right back. “If my brother could stop throwing instruments around, that’d be great, but anyways, here's our new song, Waving Through A Window!” The crowd went wild as they launched into the song that Evan had been singing at the coffee shop yesterday. Evan recognized it immediately, and began to mouth the words, as he watched Connor Murphy harmonize perfectly with his sister. Connor had his hair pulled back into a bun, and a tiny grin danced at his lips. His eyes seemed to sparkle as he hit every note, never faltering once.

_He’s beautiful._

**********

Evan could not find Jared.

It had been an hour since the concert had ended, and the area had cleared out pretty quickly, with only a few stragglers left behind. He had texted, called, even e-mailed Jared, but received no response. Evan was hoping that his phone was dead, that Jared was just waiting for him somewhere. He wouldn’t just ditch Evan, right?

Evan scanned the stadium in vain one last time, and made his way out into the lobby. A few people stood around, tapping at their phones or conversing in quiet voices, but not one of them had Jared’s thick-rimmed glasses or whatever obnoxious graphic t-shirt he had put on that day. Evan could feel a sick, burning feeling rising up in his stomach, threatening to bubble over.

_‘Jared is fine Evan. Just calm down. Any second he’ll text you and tell you he’s just getting coffee or something. Breathe.’_

**_Ding!_ **

Evan eagerly fished his phone out of his pocket and turned it on to see a new text message from Jared. He clicked on it, and as he read it, his heart dropped.

**You have one new message from: Living Meme**

**Living Meme** : sry man but i left w/ mikey. forgot i have the car keys. jus take subway or taxi. see u tmrw.

For a moment, Evan wondered who “Mikey” was, before realizing that it was probably the guy Jared had went to talk to earlier that day. That's when the real panic set in.

_‘Oh my god, he left me here.’_

Evan could feel himself start to panic. He began to shake, and could feels his hands trembling so hard that they were about to drop his phone. Shoving the phone into his pocket, Evan looked around and saw that every eye was on him as he tried to catch his breath.

_‘Ohmygod they're all staring at me, they all think I’m crazy, ohmygodohmygod runrunrun.’_

Evan whirled around searching for an exit that didn't require crashing through a bunch of people. In his blurry panic, he saw a door off to the side of the main exit and basically sprinted through it.

_‘Worthless. Useless. Pathetic.’_

On the other side of the door was a long hallway. Evan frantically ran up it, praying that he would find what he was looking for.

_‘Stupid.’_

Evan breathed a shaky sigh of relief as he pushed open the bathroom door. He tripped into the room, and collapsed onto the far back wall, slamming his back into the cool plaster.

He tried to take deep breaths, breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, but it wasn't working. Evan felt as if was underwater, with everything hazy and blurry. He curled in on himself and pressed his knees to his chest in an attempt to get him to stop shaking like a leaf. Hot tears ran down his cheeks, and black spots danced before his eyes.

He couldn’t feel his hands anymore.

_‘Everyone leaves you. Nobody wants you. **Nobody wants you.’**_

Evan’s thoughts were interrupted by stomping footsteps and a door banging open.

“Hold _on_ Zoe, I just need to- holy fuck are you alright?”

He gripped his legs even tighter and buried his head in his knees when he heard the voice that belonged to whoever had the misfortune to walk in on pathetic Evan. Evan tried to say, “I’m fine,” but all that came out was a bunch of unintelligible whimpers.

“Okay I’m gonna sit down right here.” Evan could feel movement at his right side, and he heard the rustling of clothes as their owner sat down next to him. “Can I touch you? Is that alright?”

Evan nodded into his knees and he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and pull him closer. He could feel himself trembling as a hand rubbed circles into his back and whispered comforting words in his ear.

After what felt like hours of that, Evan could finally feel his fingers come back to life, and he could get his breathing back to normal. He sucked in a shallow breath and turned his head so that he was facing away from the stranger that had just saved him from most likely passing out.

“Feeling any better?” Evan paused for a second and moved his head up and down. He grabbed the edge of his polo shirt and tugged on it a few times. “What’s your name?” the stranger asked.

“E-Evan. Evan H-Hansen.” Evan turned his head to the right and looked up at the person who had helped him through his panic attack. All of a sudden, he found himself staring into the blue-and-brown eyes of…

Connor Murphy

**_Oh shit._ **

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor Evan:(
> 
> thanks for reading this <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan realizes that Connor is very different from what he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty, i know this is actually terrible but um *shoves chapter across the table and whispers nervously* here ya go. also, the other characters will show up and become important soon, i just need a relationship to be established here. 
> 
> i don't think there's anything triggering in this one, but if you find something, just tell me and i'll put it here

_Today’s Headline News: ‘For Forever’ breaks world records for the most sold-out concerts on one tour after tonight's triumph in New York_.

Evan let out a noise that could only be described as a squeak of pure terror. “O-Oh. O-Ohmygod I’m sososososo s-sorryssorrysorry, I- um, y-you probably have a l-lot of th-things to d-do, um, o-oh my goodness, y-yeah, gosh I’msorrysosorry-” He continued to babble, unable to stop himself as he scooted away from Connor’s concerned eyes. Evan clamoured onto his knees and Connor moved a little closer, slowly rising up. “S-S-Sorry.” Evan tried to stand, but his legs were still shaky, and they gave out underneath him. He braced himself to crash face-first into the disgusting tiled floor, but was instead caught by slim, but strong, arms.

“Whoa, just wait a second. Don't try and move yet,” Connor spoke softly and slowed lowered himself and Evan back to the ground. “I’m Connor Murphy.”

“I k-know. Oh s-shoot, that s-sounded rude, oh g-god, um, s-sorry.” Evan blushed red and looked down at his nails, which were actually pretty gross, now that he was studying them like his life depended on it. Which it might. Connor was known to be slightly violent at times with press and people like that, but that was only what Evan had read online or in magazines.

Connor chuckled a little and stared at Evan who adamantly refused to look back. “It's totally fine. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

There was a moment of tense silence before Evan turned his head slightly so that he was looking at Connor’s boots instead of his hands. “It's n-nothing really, I was just overreacting, y-you can g-g-go if you want…” Evan trailed off and shivered.

“It's not nothing if you had a panic attack in a dirty stadium bathroom over it.” Connor placed his hand over Evan's cautiously.

Evan could feel his heart skip a beat at the sudden touch, and immediately began to worry that his hands were sweaty. “W-Well, my f-friend kinda d-ditched me here and ran off w-with some guy he just met. And he just t-texted me and told me to t-take a taxi or s-something, but I _can't_ , I can’t talk to p-people and he _knows_ this, but he just left me and we live like an hour away, so I can’t even walk and-” Evan cut off, realizing that Connor was staring at him. He muttered a quick apology and pulled his hand out from underneath the taller man’s to pick at the hem of his shirt.

“He sounds like a fucking dick.” Connor had a look on his face that Evan couldn’t quite place.

“Y-Yeah,” he giggled nervously.

Connor stood up and brushed himself off, before extending an outstretched hand to Evan. Evan just sat there like an idiot, and looked at it like it was from another planet. “Well? You coming?”

“Wh-What?”

Connor smirked at Evan’s confused look. The quirk of Connor’s lips made Evan’s heart stop and his stomach flip over.

In a good way.

“I’m not just gonna leave you here. You just had a fucking panic attack, and despite what a lot of people think, I’m not a complete asshole. You can come back to mine and Zoe’s hotel, we’re staying there tonight because it's closer than our house, okay?”

Evan’s eyes widened at Zoe’s name and at the fact that this was actually happening to him. This was way too much for him to handle at the one time. He opened his mouth to protest but Connor cut him off before he could say a word.

“Nope. Don't even try me on this one. Let's go.” When it became apparent that he wasn't going to give Connor his hand, he grabbed Evan's wrist and yanked him to his feet. Connor encircled his arm around his waist to make sure that Evan could still stand. “You good?” Evan nodded wordlessly, heart thumping in his chest, and resigned himself to the fact that there was no getting out of this. Even if he did have the guts to protest, he wasn't exactly sure that he wanted to. Connor removed his arm when he was sure Evan wouldn't fall again, and pushed open the bathroom door.

Evan couldn't help but feel disappointed at the loss of contact.

Connor walked down the hallway and Evan scrambled after him, trying to keep up with his impossibly long legs. He stopped in front of a door that said ‘Employees Only’ and turned the knob. Evan held back and twisted his hands back and forth. “A-Are you s-sure we’re supposed-”

Connor chuckled and grabbed Evan’s hand. Wherever Connor touched him, Evan could feel bolts of electricity running up his arm, and turning his face even redder than it already was. “We’re fine, Evan.” Evan’s weak heart froze as his name escaped Connor’s lips.

He dragged Evan through the door and they found themselves backstage. To his left, Evan could see the stage where ‘For Forever’ had performed earlier that day. He looked around in amazement as Connor screamed out his sister’s name.

Zoe stomped around the corner, her eyes landing on Connor. “Where have you been?” she shrieked. “We were supposed to leave forty minutes ago!” That's when she noticed Evan who was beginning to shake again at the sudden yelling. “Um, Connor?”

Connor gripped Evan’s fingers even tighter and rubbed small circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. “Zoe, this is Evan,” he said quietly, shooting daggers at her for scaring the shorter boy. “He’s coming home with us tonight and staying at the hotel.” Zoe looked annoyed for some reason.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” she hissed, narrowing her eyes. “In _private_?”

Connor nodded and stepped away from Evan who seemed to be calming down. Zoe walked a few meters away and motioned for him to follow.

“ _Connor_!” she whisper-shouted. “What are you _thinking_?”

“What?!”

“You can't just sleep with random guys you found off the streets!”

Connor’s face went red, and he snapped at her “Jesus, Zoe! He was in the bathroom having a fucking panic attack because his asshole friend left him here with no way to get home. We’re not going to fuck, oh my god. Who do you think I am?”

“Remember Paris?” Zoe pointed out.

“One time. One. Time,” he growled.

“Okay, okay,” Zoe spread her hands apologetically. “I'm sorry.”

“Yeah, you should be.”

“What's his name?”

Connor looked over at Evan, who was nervously fidgeting and trying not to touch anything. “Evan Hansen.” Zoe nodded and touched his arm lightly. “I really am sorry Connor. I just worry about you, you know?”

“Don’t be. I'm fine.” Connor turned and walked back towards Evan. “Ready to go?” Evan nodded furiously and followed Connor and Zoe out a back exit towards a long, black car with tinted windows.  
Zoe climbed in the front and Connor held the door open for Evan, as he blushed for what seemed like the millionth time that night.

The five minute drive back to the hotel was filled with techno music pumping over the speakers and the clicking of Zoe's nails on her phone screen. Evan sat silently and shivered. All he was wearing was his blue polo, and even though it was summer, it's was still freezing outside in the dead of night.

“You cold?”

Evan looked up at Connor and shook his head negatively. Connor just grinned and took off his jacket, leaving him with a long sleeved black shirt. He wrapped the jacket around Evan, and Evan was immediately enfolded in warmth. The jacket smelt like cinnamon and smoke, which was an odd combination, but Evan found it strangely enduring. He couldn't stop a sigh of happiness from escaping his lips, and Connor’s features softened, before he pulled out a sleek, black iPhone and danced his fingers over the keyboard urgently.

The car pulled up to a stop, and the trio got out and walked through the doors of the hotel, Zoe walking slightly behind as she was still glued to her phone. Evan glanced around and found that the place was actually pretty run down, with peeling wallpaper and ripped furniture thrown around the lobby. Connor saw Evan's face and explained that when they're on tour, they usually stay in old hotels, the ones that no one expects them to go to, so that they don't get crushed by mobs of people.

Evan chased Connor up four flights of stairs, who apparently could climb steps three at a time without breaking a sweat. Evan on the other hand was sweaty and red faced, panting by the time he reached the top.

“See you tomorrow!” Zoe said, as she walked into the room across the hall from them. The siblings had already checked in earlier that day so they didn't have to deal with pissed off hotel managers yelling at them for annoying them at one in the morning. Connor pulled out a digital key and unlocked his own door, pushing Evan inside.

The room was small, with one bed and a TV that looked like it hadn't been turned on since the 90s. Evan gripped onto the sleeves of Connor’s coat automatically, before realizing that if he kept playing with the ends of the jacket, he might wreck the cuffs, and Connor would get mad, and then he would kick him out, and then he would have to stay on the streets and then-

_‘Calm down, Evan.’_

Connor groaned and flopped onto the bed, before turning to Evan and bluntly stating, “I’m gay. And there's one bed. If you have a problem with that, you should probably get the fuck out.”

Evan blushed and stuttered when he realized what Connor meant. “Um, n-no it's not a p-problem, of c-course not, um, I’m bi, so uh, soitsnotaproblemohgodimsorryilljustshutupnow.”

Connor somehow deciphered Evan's stammering and grinned. “Cool.” He rummaged through a suitcase that was sitting in the corner of the room and threw an old pair of sweatpants and a plain t-shirt at Evan. “Bathroom’s right there,” he said, gesturing towards the back of the room. Evan nodded, and rushed in, slamming the door behind him.

He took a deep breath, and stared at himself in the mirror. _How did he end up here?_ Just hours ago he was sitting listening to Jared talk about conspiracy theories, and now, he's about to sleep in the same bed as _Connor Murphy_. Who he just came out to. Who was only the third person that Evan had told, besides Jared and his mom.

‘ _Don’t screw up Evan. Like you normally do.’_

Evan pulled on Connor’s clothes and slipped out of the bathroom. He shyly hung Connor's coat on a chair, and glanced over at the other man. Connor was lying on the bed, wearing flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt with the name of a band Evan had never heard of. He had his hair up in a bun, and was reading a thick book. Evan smiled at how unbelievably cute this guy was.

Connor felt Evan’s eyes on him, and cockily raised an eyebrow, without taking his eyes off the page. “See something you like?”

Evan face went white, and then turned a cotton-candy pink. “Uh, no, I m-mean, uh y-yes, I mean- uh, I don't know w-what I mean.”

Connor looked up at Evan for a second, and Evan panicked for a second, thinking that he said the wrong thing,but he smiled at Evan instead- a full blown Cheshire cat smile, that stretched from ear to ear. Evan was taken aback. Evan knew from pictures that when Connor smiled, he usually only allowed the corners of his mouth to lift, or he gave whoever was watching him a sarcastic smirk. Not that Evan was some sort of creepy stalker or anything. It was just common knowledge that Connor Murphy doesn't smile. But he was. At Evan. He was smiling at Evan.

_Why was he smiling at Evan?_

“You gonna fucking lie down or not?”

Evan crept over and sat tentatively at the edge of the bed with his back to Connor. The taller man rolled his eyes. Connor grabbed Evan's shoulder and pushed him back so he was lying basically with his head in Connor’s lap. Evan let out a surprised squeak, and straightened up so his head was on the pillows instead. Connor turned to face Evan and propped his head up onto his hand. “So Hansen, tell me about yourself.”

“M-Me?”

“No, the other guy in my bed whose last name is Hansen.” Connor drawled and flicked Evan's head.

Evan scratched at the back of his hand, and giggled a little. “Okay, we-ell, my name is Evan, obviously, I m-mean you already know that haha, um I really really like trees, they're just so p-pretty, um I work as a b-barista in a coffee shop-”

Connor held up a hand to stop him. “Wait’” he smirked. “ Are you the guy that split hot coffee all over me yesterday?”

“T-That was you?!” Evan screeched.

Connor laughed at Evan's voice that had rose up about two octaves on the last word. “The one and only.” Connor snickered. Evan hesitated for a second, before joining Connor in his laughter. And from there on, it didn't exactly feel awkward talking to Connor anymore. The pair bonded over hot coffee, and the fact that they were both losers in high school. They found out that they both hated the football jocks that thought they were better than anyone else, and walked down the halls shoving everyone out of their way. Connor told Evan that he has bipolar disorder, and whenever he feels threatened or scared, he lashes out and yells at people. Evan's eyes widened at the fact, and immediately began to tell Connor about his social anxiety and how talking to anyone is basically impossible with stuttering or having a complete panic attack. For some reason, Evan felt safe talking to Connor, and vice-versa. This boy that he had just met, had somehow managed to calm him down and make him feel- dare he say- _wanted_. It was a new feeling.

Evan stifled a yawn and rubbed at his face, as Connor was babbling on about a book that he had just read. Connor noticed his tired eyes, and mentally slapped himself for being such an idiot.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, you must be fucking tired.” Connor apologized and reached over to turn off the lamp. “Wanna sleep now?” Evan could only nod as he slipped under the cozy covers with Connor by his side. He closed his eyes and listened to the nighttime sounds of New York sing him to sleep.

Just before Evan lost all conscious, he felt a warm hand caress his cheek, and push a lock of hair behind his ear. He smiled faintly, and soft breath whispered words into his ear. But Evan was already too far gone to hear what they were, and he let sleep envelope him in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this moving fast? yep. but i honestly don't have the patience for a slow burn, and i wanna get some fluff in before we take a one-way train to angstville. 
> 
> so fun fact: i'm going on a seven hour flight tonight, so i should get lots of Quality Content™ (lol not really) for ya
> 
> thanks for the kudos and comments, they make me smile so much:)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up, and has no clue where he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic

**_You have three new messages from: Living Meme_ **

The first thing that Evan could feel when he woke up was warm arms encircling his waist, and long legs tangled with his. For a second, he sighed and snuggled deeper into the embrace, before his eyes flew open and realized that this was  _ not  _ normal. Well, not for Evan anyway.

_ ‘What happened last night?’ _

Evan slowly flipped over, and found himself face to face with a sleeping Connor Murphy once again. 

The events of last night flooded Evan's head and he internally cringed at the memories of him crying like a child in front of Connor. Oh my god, Connor probably thinks he's insane. Scratch that, Connor  _ definitely  _ thinks he’s insane. An insane, crazy crybaby, who slept in his bed last night. Sounds about right.

Evan also remembered talking with Connor for hours, discussing anything that came to their minds. It was… nice. To talk to someone without worrying about what he was saying. Is this what real friendship feels like?

_ ‘Bullshit. Last night was a complete mistake on Connor's part. He's going to wake up and scream at you for wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed. He doesn't want you. Nobody wants you. And why would they? You’re just Evan Hansen. What's special about you?’ _

**_‘Absolutely nothing.’_ **

Evan shook his head and tried to shut off the negative voice that seemed to run on a constant loop in his mind. But no matter what he tried, the words always seemed to hover at the back of his brain, taunting him, and making him unable to do  _ normal _ things that  _ normal  _ people could do. God, what was wrong with him?

Evan sighed and glanced up at Connor. His long brown hair had fallen out of the bun that it had been in last night, and it was spread out across the pillow like a halo. His lips were parted slightly, allowing air to pass through with a little huff. Connor sniffed and unconsciously pulled Evan closer, so that Evan's cheek was pressed up against his chest. He nuzzled his head into Evan’s hair and Evan froze, his heart pounding against his ribcage. This cannot be real. There is no way this is real.  

Unfortunately, Connor began to wake up, and drew his arms back to rub at his eyes. Evan watched a little creepily as Connor blinked a couple times, his long dark lashes moving up and down like the wings of a butterfly. 

_ ‘Why is everything about this boy so perfect?’ _

“What time is it?” asked Connor, his voice raspy from sleep.

“A-Around eight I think,” Evan replied, his stomach twisting into knots at the sound. He tried to ignore the feeling and laughed as Connor dug his head back into the pillow. “Fuck, that's so early.” 

“Not really,” the blond countered, and Connor just looked so  _ cute _ , that in a daring moment, he reached out and tugged at one of Connor's curls. Connor didn’t move for a second, but then he turned a little so Evan could see a sliver of his face. He raised an eyebrow, and Evan could hear his heart start to beat faster again-  _ what if Connor didn’t want me to do that, oh no _ \- but Evan could see the tips of his ears turning pink, and he grinned shyly. 

Connor muttered something underneath his breath and turned the other way to grab his phone. Evan did the same, the corners of his mouth still upturned a little. But the smile was wiped off his face when he unlocked the device, and found seventeen new messages from Jared.

**_Living Meme:_ ** where r you evan? I just got home and ur not here? call me

**_Living Meme:_ ** im rly sry, are u ok? im worried

**_Living Meme:_ **  its four in the morning, where are u?

**_Living Meme:_ ** if u dont reply in an hr, im calling the cops

The messages all along those lines, and were sent over the course of the night, with the last one from only forty-five minutes ago. “Oh great,” Evan whispered, and quickly texted Jared saying that it was a long story and that he was fine. Jared sent back about a million angry messages asking him where he was and that he was worried about him. Evan just switched the ringer off, and set the phone back down. If Jared had really cared about him, he wouldn’t of ditched Evan in the first place.

Connor looked over at Evan who now looked visibly upset. “You alright?” 

Evan nodded tentatively. “It’s just J-Jared- that’s the guy that d-ditched me last n-night- and he was w-wondering where I was. I should a-actually get b-back soon, he’s gonna k-kill me if I don’t.” 

Connor frowned at Evan, and Evan’s stomach flipped.  _ What had he done to make Connor hate him already?  _ “I guess we should go then. Just let me change.” Connor shot Evan one last look,  grabbed a pile of black- no surprise there- clothes and headed into the bathroom. Evan’s heart sunk, and he looked sadly down at his hands. He always managed to screw up every possible friendship, relationship, anything that might bring him even a  _ little _ bit of happiness. His dad left when he was seven because Evan was too much for him to handle, his only friend was pissed at Evan and to be honest, Evan was pretty pissed off right back. Not that he would ever have the guts to truly confront Jared. Heck, even his mom probably hates him, because college and therapy costs so much, and even though Evan be acting like an adult, because he  _ is  _ one, she still has to work crazy hours to pay for him to  _ live _ , and whatever could’ve happened with Connor, definitely wasn’t even a thought now, because Connor hates him and he has every reason to-

Evan hadn’t even realized that he was hyperventilating until he could he feel a body pressed up against him, trying to calm his shaking shoulders. Hot tears ran down his face  _ again,  _ and  _ why does this keep happening to him, he’s only making a bigger fool of himself. _

“Ev? Can you hear me?” Evan nodded through the tears that blurred the room around him, unable to talk, words sticking in his throat like glue. His breath was coming in short, quick gasps that Connor immediately recognized as a really bad sign if it continued any further. “Evan, you gotta do something for me, okay?” Connor took Evan’s hand and pressed it to his chest right above his heart. “Breathe when I breathe,” Connor instructed, and began to demonstrate slow, deep breaths for Evan, exaggerating the rise and fall of his lungs.

Evan tried to inhale and exhale with Connor, choked sobs coming from his lips.It took Evan a few minutes, but he eventually could get his breathing to a place where Connor was satisfied that he wouldn’t pass out. He took Evan’s hand away from his heart, but didn’t let go. Evan scrubbed at his face with his other palm, only really succeeding in making his face even blotchier. “I-I-I’m reallyreallyreally s-sorry I’m s-such a m-m-mess,” Evan mumbled miserably.

“No you’re not Evan. Don’t say that,” Connor squeezed Evan’s slightly sweaty hand and offered him a soft stare. “What happened?”

Evan shook his head and looked at the floor. “I-I don’t wanna t-talk about it,” he muttered, hoping that he didn’t offend the other male. Connor just nodded understandably. “Do you have anxiety medicine or something?”

“Yeah, b-but it’s b-back at my apartment.” 

Connor stood up and grabbed his car keys off the table next to the bed. “C’mon, I’ll drive you.” Evan just stood up and agreed, slowly learning that once Connor set his mind to something, he usually got it. “But, um, C-Connor?” 

Connor hummed and turned back to Evan from the door frame. Evan just gestured down at Connor’s clothes that he was still wearing. Connor scanned Evan in the too-big clothes and smirked. “Keep them. You look cute,” he decided, throwing a wink over his shoulder as he walked out into the hall.

Evan’s heart fluttered, and tripped after Connor. 

**********

Connor checked Google Maps one last time, before pulling up outside of Evan’s apartment. He turned the keys in the ignition, and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. Evan fiddled with the end of his-  _ Connor’s-  _ shirt and slowly came to terms with the fact that once he got out of the car, chances were that he’d never see this man again, except for him staring back at Evan on the front of a magazine cover. “So, uh, when’s your next concert?” Evan stalled, hoping to buy at least a few more minutes of Connor’s time. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to keep talking with Connor. He wanted to learn more things about Connor, like how him and Zoe had became a band, and what their parents were like when they were children. He wanted to know simple things, like Connor’s favourite colour or what Harry Potter movie he thought was best. He wanted to learn what he likes to eat, so he could maybe force Jared to make food for him, and-

_ What is going on with you? _

“We have our last concert on Sunday night, and then we’re done with this tour, finally. Not that I don’t like it, it’s actually been really cool. The only thing is, Larry’s been up our asses the entire time about adding more dates, but Alana Beck- that’s Zoe’s girlfriend, and she basically runs this band- told him that he better back the fuck off before we dropped dead of exhaustion. Well, not those exact words, because she’s way too nice for that, but close.”

Evan vaguely recognizes the names Larry and Alana. Larry and Cynthia Murphy, Connor’s parents, ran one of the biggest record labels in the country, the one ‘For Forever’ was signed under, and Alana Beck was Zoe’s girlfriend of two years, that traveled with the band, and made sure that they were in the right country at the right time. “Oh, um, c-cool.”

Connor blew a piece of hair out of his face, and Evan tapped his fingers nervously against the side of his thigh. The silence that fell was deafening to Evan. Why was this so awkward? Maybe Evan was just annoying Connor, and he just wanted Evan to get out so that he could get back to doing whatever Connor Murphy does.

Evan made the decision to leave , and opened his mouth, letting a flood of words fall shakily from his lips. “T-thankyousmuch, um, y-you know, notleavingmetosleeponthestreets, I-I guess m-maybe I’ll s-see you around another t-time, um yeah… t-thanks.” Evan yanked open the car door, and dashed away from Connor’s gaze, cursing himself for sounding like a complete idiot once again.He blinked back tears that had gathered up in his eyes, refusing to let them spill over. 

_ ‘Annoying. Stupid.’ _

**_‘Worthless.’_ **

“Wait, Evan!”

He forced his feet to stop moving, and turned slowly towards Connor who was jogging up to Evan. Connor typed something into his phone, and held it out with a expectant look on his face. Evan just stared at it, slightly confused to why Connor was giving his phone to him.

Connor laughed at Evan’s face, and pressed the phone into his palm. “Put your number in it,” he grinned.

Evan turned red and stared down at the screen. “O-oh,” he muttered, and typed something quickly into the phone, before shoving it back towards the brunet. Evan scuffed the toe of his shoe on the ground, and peeked up at Connor through his eyelashes. “I g-guess, I’ll see you s-soon?” he whispered hopefully. 

“Definitely,” Connor agreed. He hesitated a second, before pulling Evan into a quick hug. Connor’s hand was on |Evan’s back, and Evan was internally screaming, wondering if should hug back, where should he put his hands - _just do_ ** _something_** - but, just as soon as it happened, it was over. “I’ll text you!” he called over his shoulder, leaving a flustered Evan standing behind him in shock. 

**********

“No. Way.”

“Jared-”

“No. Freaking. WAY!” Jared paced back and forth in front of Evan, who fidgeted with the fabric of his shirt. “ _ Jared,  _ I-”

Jared smiled evilly, and held up a finger to silence Evan. “Let me get this straight- which is the opposite of this story by the way.” 

“Um, you’re pretty gay y-yourself.”

“I’m aware of that. Okay, so Connor Murphy found you in a bathroom, you went back to his  _ hotel room,  _ slept in the same bed, and he asked for your number. That’s pretty kinky Hansen.”

“No it’s n-not! It’s not l-like that!”

“You’d like it though, wouldn’t you?” 

“I h-hate you.”

Jared smirked. “You should’ve called me. We could’ve had a-”

Evan cut him off, which was a first for him. “I  _ did  _ call you- but not for that, ew,” Evan added on, seeing the look in Jared’s eyes. “But you d-ditched me at the concert! You- you know how I get”

Jared clapped a hand on Evan’s back, and Evan tried to keep himself from flinching. “You should be  _ thanking  _ me man! It sounds like Connor Murphy’s into you. Isn’t that like, your creepy dream come true?”

“Hesactuallyreallynice,” Evan whispered, shaking his head in response to Jared’s unnecessary question. 

“Doubt it.”

“He  _ is.” _

Whatever you say Tree Boy,” Jared began to walk away. “I’m gonna go make some muffins and drown myself in batter because I don’t have a violent, hot, pop star boyfriend to hook up with.”

Evan sighed and stared down at his phone. Why did he ever say anything to Jared?

And how long would it take for Connor to text him? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so this was mostly a filler chapter, but I'm actually so excited for the next one, because that's when the storyline starts (plus, I've had the idea for the next chapter for a long time, and I hope y'all maybe like it?)
> 
> thank you all for everything!!! your kudos, comments, reads, everything, make my day <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys go on a daaaaaattteeee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is some trash. enjoy:)

**_You have no new notifications._ **

Two days.  

It had been two days since Connor had taken Evan’s number and left. Two days of non-stop teasing from Jared, and two days of Evan rolling his eyes so much, he was pretty sure that they were about to take up permanent residence in the back of his head.

And Connor  _ still  _ hadn’t texted him.

It wasn’t like he could’ve missed it either. His cell phone had been turned up to full volume, staying only feet away from him at all times. Every ring sent Evan flying to it, only to be disappointed when it’s just a message from his mother, or a meme from Jared. Evan thought of every excuse he possibly could, like maybe he was busy, or lost his phone, or got abducted by aliens, or-

Oh, who was he kidding. Connor probably just didn't want to talk to him. 

Evan handed over a herbal tea to a middle aged woman, and sighed contently when he saw that she was the last person in line. Everyone was slowly beginning to leave the coffee shop, with the lunchtime rush coming to an end. 

“How’s it going?” Jared questioned, wiping his hands on a small towel as he walked out of the kitchen. “Hot Topic text you yet?”

**_Ding!_ **

They froze in their tracks when they heard the buzz from Evan’s phone. Hands shaking slightly , Evan reached into his back pocket, and after looking around to make sure his boss wasn’t watching him, he pulled out his cell. He scanned the screen, and his heart leaped into his throat when he saw a text from an unknown number. 

“Don't tell me-” 

“Holy-” 

Evan’s breath hitched, and he clicked on the message. 

**_Unknown:_ ** hey, is this evan hansen? it's connor murphy

A tiny scream slipped past his lips, and he quickly clamped his mouth shut. Evan glanced up, to see a few odd looks being given to him. He turned red, and went back to the text, adding in Connor as a contact. 

**_Me:_ ** Hello! Yes it is! 

Jared learned over his shoulder and snickered. “ _ Hello?  _ What are we, fifty?” 

Evan ignored Jared and looked at the new message that had appeared. 

**_Connor:_ ** are you working rn?

**_Me:_ ** Yeah!

**_Me:_ ** Why?

**_Me:_ ** Connor?

**********

Evan wiped down the corner table for the eighth time since Connor had texted him. He was slowly becoming a nervous wreck. After his cryptic question, he never had answered back, and Evan figured texting him for a fourth time was a bit excessive. He pursed his lips, and scrubbed at a dark stain that had been there since Evan had first started working at the coffee shop.

“I don’t think that’s coming out anytime soon.”

A voice whispered in Evan’s ear, and Evan whirled around to see a grinning Connor Murphy staring at him. “What are y-you doing here?”

Connor dodged his question gracefully and said, “Sorry I didn’t text earlier, Zoe had me writing some shit for our new song, and I couldn’t get of it.” He took a few steps back and plopped down at one of the stools near the counter. Evan moved closer, twisting the cloth between his fingers. What were you supposed to say to your sort-of friend that’s famous, and just randomly decided to show up at your work?

“So, what are you doing tonight?”

“T-Tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Um, nothing? Not that I’m usually doing n-nothing, it’s just that tonight I don’t have any plans, oh, who am I k-kidding, I’m never doing an-anything, I’m rambling, aren’t I?” Evan sucked in a breath, and stared at his shoes. “What I’m trying t-to say, is yes, I am free.”

Connor chuckled, and reached out a finger, tapping it under Evan’s chin. Evan lifted his head slightly, and stared at Connor with big doe eyes. “Do you wanna go out tonight? Like on a date?”

Evan’s eyes almost popped out of his head. Was this beautiful boy actually asking  _ him,  _ Evan  _ Hansen, _ on a date? “YES! Um, I mean, s-sure, that’d be cool.” 

“Awesome,” Connor said, almost giddy. “You know the door where we left the stadium the other day, around the back?” A nod. “Meet me there tonight, around 8. We have our last concert, and then we can go out for a late dinner or something?”

Evan fiddled with his shirt, and gave Connor a small smile. “O-Okay.”

The brunet opened his mouth, as if to say something else, but was cut off by the ringing of his phone. Connor pulled it out, and cursed when he saw that Zoe had been trying to reach him for the past twenty minutes. “Fuck, I gotta go,” he said, and Evan tried not to let his face fall in disappointment. “See you tonight!” 

Evan watched as Connor dashed out of the doors and practically ran down the street. His loose brown hair sparkled in the sunlight, and Evan heard a low whistle from behind him. Evan jumped, to see Jared standing there, with a devilish smirk spread across his face. “Jesus Christ, Evan.”

“Don’t you dare say a-anything.”

**********

Evan stood nervously outside of the alleyway, watching as Jared’s car peeled down the street. He lifted his hand up to play with his hair, but stopped as soon as he remembered that Jared had spent thirty minutes fixing it this afternoon, so that it would hang the “right way.” Jared had also forced Evan to try on around seven different outfits, until he finally landed on a blue button down and khakis combo. He had complimented Evan for the first time in forever, saying that Connor was going to love it. But Evan seriously doubted that. Connor always looked so perfect, so put together, unlike Evan, who was a sniveling, sobbing mess around Connor.

He glanced up at the door, where a burly security guard was standing in front of it with his arms crossed. Evan wasn’t really sure what to do. Should he go up and talk to the man, who was staring him down with fire in his eyes? Or should he call Jared and drive home, hiding in his room with Netflix and ice cream for the rest of his life?

Even though the second option was really tempting, Evan didn’t want to mess whatever this was up. Forcing his legs to unstick from the ground, he walked towards the man, and sucked in a deep breath. “H-Hi, I’m h-here for Connor M-Murphy? He t-told me to meet him b-back here?”

The man snorted. “Yeah, you and everyone else. Move along kid.”

“N-N-No, I’m s-serious, um, he-”

Evan was cut off by the door flying open, to reveal a smiling Connor standing behind it. His heartbeat began to slow down, and he offered a shy smile back. “Mark, I swear, if you’re torturing my date, I will get your ass fired so fast, it’ll make your head spin,” he grinned, walking towards Evan and slinging his arm around his shoulders. Evan blushed at the contact, feeling heat wherever Connor touched. 

_ How does do that? _

A look of understanding came over the security guard’s - Mark’s?- face, and he winked at the red-faced boy. “Just making sure we didn’t have anyone trying to kidnap you.” 

Connor made a noise deep in his throat, and dropped his hand down to Evan’s, linking their fingers together. “Ready to go, Ev?” Evan nodded, and let Connor lead him into the streets of New York City.

They made small talk for a few minutes, just discussing how their day had been. Evan usually hated small talk, because it often meant that the other person didn’t actually care what they had to say, and was making sure that there was no awkward silence. But listening to Connor tell Evan about how his sister had almost killed him when he finally arrived at soundcheck, ten minutes late, didn’t feel forced. And Evan felt at ease, chiming in with little comments or giggles, or some stories of his own.

After walking for around ten minutes, they arrived outside a little Italian restaurant, that was tucked away next to a huge clothing store. “This good?” Connor asked. “I know the owners, no one will bother us or anything.”

“I love Italian!” gushed Evan, excitement in his eyes. “My mom used to make the best pasta carbonara, whenever she had the day off from work.”

Connor beamed, a full fledged smile that stretched from ear to ear, showing off two rows of perfect white teeth.  He opened the door for Evan, and they walked into the tiny room filled with the smell of spice and warm bread. 

A long-haired lady with pale skin showed them to booth in the back, handing them two menus, and winking at them before lighting a candle and disappearing with a, “I’ll give you two a few minutes.” Evan took a deep breath and slowly scanned the menu, preparing himself for what was to come. He knew he had to order. Or he could just not eat. Not eating sounds good. But then Connor would ask why, and Evan really was a terrible liar, and Connor would see right through him. Okay, so maybe not eating wasn’t the best option. 

Evan sneaked a glance at Connor, who was studying the menu with an intensity that Evan didn’t know could come from choosing which pasta to eat. He nudged Connor with his elbow, and jokingly whispered in his ear, “Tough decision?” 

Connor whacked Evan lightly with the menu, and attempted in frown in his direction. “I’ll let you know that picking what carbs to eat, is a very important choice, one that could haunt you for the rest of your life.” Evan snickered, and Connor moved a little closer to him. “Is t-that so?”

“Is this Evan Hansen being  _ sarcastic? _ ” gasped Connor, feigning shock. “It’s humanly possible?” Evan opened his mouth, about to shoot back another sassy- well, sassy for him- comment, when he spied the waitress walking back towards their table, and the happy little bubble that they had enclosed themselves in popped.

_ Don’t be ridiculous Evan. You can do this.  _

But Evan could feel his hands starting to sweat and shake, and his fingers began to go numb. He squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to take deep, calming breaths. 

Connor noticed the quick change in personality, and immediately put two and two together. “Tell me what you want,” he demanded quietly. Evan looked up at him, confusion evident on his face. “Just do it.” Evan whispered the name of some dish into to Connor’s ear, and Connor ordered the two meals with ease. 

Once the waitress had left once again, Evan looked up at Connor with shining eyes. “No one’s ever done that for me b-before,” he mumbled. 

“Well, fuck them,” Connor said. 

Evan squished up his nose and pursed his lips, with a little grin. “Yeah,” he agreed.

Connor and Evan got their food and ate, telling jokes and laughing quietly in the back of a miniscule Italian restaurant, as if they were the only people in the world. Throughout the night, they seemed to be getting closer and closer together, until Evan was practically sitting on Connor’s lap. The brunet had to eat with his left hand in order to keep his hand around Evan’s waist, but he really didn’t mind. He also didn’t mind when there was a brief argument over who would pay, that ended with Connor sitting on the bill, and Evan just sighing, digging his head into the side of Connor’s neck. Nope, Connor was not complaining. 

“You know, I never told you how cute you look tonight,” Connor murmured, as they stood outside, a few hours later, muscles braced tight against the cool summer air. 

Evan flushed red, and grinned shyly. “Y-You’re not too bad y-yourself, I guess.”

“Smooth.” Connor moved closer to Evan. 

“I k-know.” Their foreheads were basically touching, and Evan could feel Connor leaning in. He closed his eyes, and their lips were about to meet, when-

“Connor! Connor Murphy!”

They broke apart, and turned towards the shouting that was getting louder by the second. The bottom dropped out of Evan’s stomach when he saw a mob of people rushing towards him and Connor, waving cameras and notepads around. 

“Oh  _ shit _ , this is not happening right now,” Connor cursed. He took one look at Evan’s face, which was as white as a sheet, and immediately threw off his sweater and tossed it at Evan. “Pull up the hood, and there’s sunglasses in the right pocket,” he hissed. Evan did as he was told, shoving a too-big pair of glasses over his eyes. He could feel Connor’s arm pull him close to his body, and Evan huddled into the taller man’s chest to block out the bright flashing and yelling.

“Connor! Is this your new boyfriend, Connor? Connor?!”

“Move,” Connor growled, pushing his way through the wall of people. Evan clutched onto the fabric of Connor’s shirt, as they ran down the street, leaving the yelling voices and pushing people behind. 

“I-I think t-they’re gone,” wheezed Evan, trying to catch his breath. He looked around, and saw that they were on a dark, sketchy street, with abandoned buildings and no streetlights. “Um, Connor?”

Connor pulled away from Evan, and drew back his fist, hitting his hand against the wall. “Damn it!” he yelled, shaking his fist in pain. Blood dripped down his knuckles, and Evan reached out to him in horror. “Connor, w-what was-”

“ _ No _ , Evan! Don’t touch me!” 

Evan drew back after hearing the venom in Connor’s voice. “But-”

“Don’t you get it? Those pictures are going to be everywhere! In less than twenty minutes, they’ll know your name, where you live, everything about you! They’re going to fucking stalk you, and ask you questions, and never leave you alone! Do you want that? Do you want people looking at you all the time? Because it sucks, okay? Sometimes, it really fucking sucks!” Connor was clenching his fists, so tight that his fingernails were leaving little dots of blood across his palms.

Evan reached out a little, and when Connor didn’t move back, he grabbed his hands, and massaged the feeling back into them.“If it means I get to be with you, I want it,” breathed Evan, his voice only wavering slightly. “I’ve, only known y-you for like, three days, b-but I really l-like you, and I don’t know if y-you feel the same way, but, um, I think you’re a-amazing? Y-Yeah.”

Connor stared at Evan for a moment, before letting out a huge gush of air “Okay,” he seemed to decide. “Okay. But I’m warning you.”

Evan dared to move closer to Connor, and wrapped his arms around the taller man’s waist. “It’ll be alright,” he sighed. “But, um, h-how are we getting out of here?”

Connor pulled out his phone, and brought it up to his ear, one arm still resting on Evan’s back. “You better hope that Zoe answers her fucking phone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this thing where connor is really confident and protective with evan:)
> 
> also, the plotline kind of starts here so,,, yay?
> 
> and you didn't think I was going to make them have their first kiss outside in the middle of some creepy street right;)?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zoe to the rescue, evan is sleepy, and we meet our fav asshole, Larry!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another one??? I honestly have no self control
> 
> okay so there are a few things that I don't think I've mentioned about like where they live and stuff so here ya go:
> 
> +they're all the same age, except for Zoe (but she graduated high school a year early, you'll find out why later)  
> +Evan doesn't have a cast  
> +so the stadium, hotel, all that jazz is around an hour away from the coffee shop, and Evan lives around ten minutes away from the shop one way, and Connor, Zoe and Alana live about ten minutes away the other way (so hypothetically, it would take around fifteen-twenty minutes to drive from Evan to Connor's). also, Zoe and Alana live on one floor of an apartment together, and Connor lives alone on another floor (yes, he owns the full floor, but it's just one huge apartment and he's rich)
> 
> no tw for this chapter!

**_Breaking News:_ ** _ Connor Murphy spotted in New York with new lover?! _

**_Breaking News:_ ** _ Secret relationship scandal with one half of the famous band, ‘For Forever?’ _

**_Breaking News:_ ** _ Who is the mysterious boy that was with Connor Murphy tonight? Image attached below. _

Connor was wrong. It hadn’t taken twenty minutes for the picture to be spread all over the Internet. 

It had only taken ten. 

Only moments after Connor had hung up the phone with his sister, telling them their location, and making sure that Evan was okay with spending the night at his place, Connor’s phone had began to explode with text messages, social media alerts, and news articles. Evan had sent a text to Jared, telling him that he was spending the night at Connor’s, before shoving his phone away, and wrapping his arms around Connor’s slim torso, ignoring the onslaught of teasing that was about hit him. Evan could feel buzzing in his pocket, but chose to keep his eyes squeezed tight, ignoring everything except for Connor, who was holding onto Evan as if he let go, Evan would crumble into dust, and blow away on the howling wind that was sweeping through the alleyway. 

They stayed there silently, with fistfuls of Connor’s shirt grabbed tightly in Evan’s hands, and with Connor taking deep breaths and tensing every time a new notification lit his phone up, until a shiny silver car pulled up next to them, and honked loudly on the horn. 

“Connor Murphy, you better have a really good excuse for this!”

**********

The backseat was warm, with plush seats and fancy cup holders, and Evan had never felt more uncomfortable in his life. The two girls in the front- one of which Evan recognized as Zoe- were staring at him, their eyes burning holes through his body. Evan shifted awkwardly, and tried to take up as little space as possible. 

“This is Alana Beck,” Zoe frowned after a minute of quiet. She started the car and began to race down the road at a speed that made Evan’s stomach twist into knots. Evan waved nervously, and gave a soft ‘hi’ to the beautiful, dark-skinned woman sitting in the passenger's seat. Alana smiled back. “You must be Evan,” she said, before winking in Connor’s direction. “Connor’s told us all about you!” 

Connor made loud coughing noises, and Evan turned beet red. Zoe swung her head towards the taller man, and glared at him. “What the fuck was so important, that you had to interrupt my date for it?”

Connor’s phone rang again, and he glanced down at it in annoyance. “Um, my ‘secret sex life’ was apparently.” 

Zoe slammed on the brakes and whirled around. “WHAT?” 

“Fucking reporters,” Connor sighed. “We were outside, and all these people came out of nowhere and started stalking us.” He turned off his phone and threw it on the ground, creating a crack in the top left corner. Zoe frowned, and started the car again, much slower this time, her left hand on the wheel, her right intertwining with Alana’s. The only sound in the car was the quiet noise of some jazz song playing over the radio. 

Evan could feel his eyelids began to drop, and he fought to stay awake. Connor moved a little closer to him, and then his shoulder was right next to Evan’s head, and without really thinking, Evan leaned on Connor, and drifted into unconscious. 

Around an hour later, Zoe pulled the car into a parking lot and took the keys out of the ignition. She glanced into the backseat, and watched her brother run his fingertips through the ends of the sleeping Evan's hair, with a content smile spread across his normally sharp features. Connor looked up to see Zoe watching him, and mouthed a ‘thank you.’ She smirked back, and pulled open the car door. 

Connor nudged Evan slowly, and whispered in his ear. “C’mon Ev, you gotta get up.” 

Evan just dug his head further into Connor's shoulder, and made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter. 

Connor laughed a little, and picked the half-asleep Evan up, bridal style. He kicked the door shut and chased Zoe and Alana into their apartment building.

They all climbed into the same elevator, Evan now fully passed out in Connor’s arms. Alana grinned at them, and whispered, “He’s cute.” 

“I know.” 

The elevator dinged, and the doors opened. Zoe yawned, and grabbed Alana’s hand, pulling her out into the hallway. “See you tomorrow, bro. Be good, okay?” 

“Thanks Zoe,” he smirked. “I owe you one.”

“Damn right you do,” she said, sticking out her tongue at him as the elevator doors clamped shut. Connor laughed to himself, and looked down at Evan, who was cuddled into Connor like a koala bear.

How did this happen? How did Connor end up carrying a sleeping boy around New York after only their first date? Connor had sworn off relationships after the last time, but somehow, he found himself falling for this big-eyed, sweet boy who he found having a panic attack in a bathroom. Not exactly Connor’s  _ type _ . Connor’s type was more the bad boy, with messy hair and an attitude. Evan was more like the boy next door, someone who’s never so much as hurt a fly. But, for some reason, being with Evan felt  _ right _ . Whatever this was, it felt right.

Connor was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed the elevator stopping on the top floor. He squeezed through the opening, and came to his door, which was the only apartment on the floor. He unzipped the pocket of the jacket that was still wrapped around Evan, and pulled out his keys. Evan mumbled something underneath his breath, but didn’t wake up. Connor let out a sigh of relief, pushing his way into his apartment.

Connor headed straight for the bedroom, and laid Evan down on the bed with all his clothes still on. He took off the smaller boy’s sneakers, and threw them into the corner of his room, before pulling the blankets up to Evan’s chin. He stood up, ready to go out and sleep on the couch, when he felt something grab onto his wrist.

Connor looked back at Evan, who peered up at him through sleepy eyes. “Stay?” he whispered. “P-Please?”

Connor smiled.

“Always.”

**********

Evan woke up to a still-warm, but empty, bed, and a terrified feeling burning like hot coals in the pit of his stomach. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and glanced around the room, the events of last night coming back into his mind.

Connor’s bedroom was huge, most likely bigger than Evan’s entire apartment. It was painted a deep maroon colour, and was frighteningly bare, with only a few framed pictures of him and Zoe standing on his dresser. The closet door was wide open, revealing an array of dark clothing and shoes tossed everywhere, as if a tornado had come through overnight and stole everything that wasn’t black.

Evan pulled the covers off of him and stood up, looking down at Connor’s jacket that he apparently hadn’t given back last night. He mentally debated whether or not to take it off, but ended with him arguing that it was kind of cold, and Connor wouldn’t mind if he kept it on for a few more minutes, right?

Padding out of the bedroom in only socks, Evan smelt something cooking, and followed his nose to the left to find an expensive looking kitchen, complete with Connor standing at the stove, focused on flipping a pancake, and looking absolutely  _ gorgeous.  _

_ ‘Is this really the best time for that?’ _

Evan wrung his hands together, wondering if he should say anything to alert Connor that he was there. Thankfully, Connor looked up and grinned up at him before he had to say anything.

“Hey, you’re up!” Connor set a plate of food on the island in the middle of the kitchen, gesturing for Evan to take a seat. “Your phone’s right there, it wouldn’t stop ringing last night, so I just turned it off.” He sat down across from Evan, and twirled a piece of hair around his finger. “Also, your name hasn’t been released yet, so you should still be safe for awhile.”

“T-Thank you,” Evan said quietly, and shoved a tiny bite of pancake into his mouth. He looked at his phone, and saw over two hundred text messages, mostly from his mother. Feeling the hot coals flare up again, Evan clicked on his mom’s contact, and brought the phone up to his ear.

“Evan!”

“H-Hi mom.”

“Sweetie, it’s so good to hear from you again, but I have a shift in ten minutes and I have to ask- why is your face plastered all over every website there is? This morning I woke up to hundreds of messages asking what were you doing with Connor Murphy, and I had to tell them that I had no idea!”

Evan felt terrible. Not only had he made his mother worry, people had recognized him, and it was only a matter of time before someone told the wrong person, and soon everyone would know. “Um, well, we were uh, kinda on a d-date last night? And some reporters s-saw, and uh, yeah.”

“You have a friend?! Honey, I’m so proud of you!” Heidi shrieked, completely missing the point. “Oh shit, I’ve got to run. Love you!” She hung up, and Evan was left with the dial tone buzzing in his ear. The other texts were only from Jared, at first making dirty jokes, and then questioning why he was popping up all over social media. Evan just texted him saying that he would explain everything when he got home, before slipping his phone in his pocket.

“Um, I hate to make this harder for you, but my wonderful father called this morning,” Connor began, a sarcastic edge slipping into his voice on the word ‘wonderful.’ “He was wondering- well, not really wondering, more like yelling- about who I was on a date with, and why he hadn’t heard about this first.” Evan watched as Connor leaned forward on his elbows and rolled his eyes. “And then, he demanded to meet you.”

Evan’s eyes widened at the last fact, and he shivered slightly. “Um, o-okay? When?”

“Today.”

“Oh… good?”

“Not really.”

**********

Larry Murphy stood in front of Evan, piercing him with an chilly stare, so cold that Evan was sure he was about to get frostbite. Connor was standing right by Evan’s side, with their hands wrapped together tightly. Connor had seemed to be doing okay as he was ushered back into his childhood home, which wasn’t really a home, more like a frigid mansion filled with bad memories. Cynthia greeted them at the door and lead them to the living room, smiling a little at Connor and Evan. Yeah, Connor was doing fine. Until Larry walked in, and started questioning the pair about who Evan was, and what they were doing last night.

“So, what am I supposed to say about this, Connor?”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. That’s not how this works, and you know that.”

“It’s my fucking life.”

“Have you even thought about what this means for your career? Dating a nobody from off the streets?”

Evan deflated a bit at being called a nobody. He knew that he was, but hearing it out loud hurt even more. He was probably just here until Connor found someone smarter, or prettier, or even just someone who didn’t have panic attacks every other day.

Connor could feel Evan’s hand go limp at Larry’s words, and scowled. “Have you even thought about how much I don’t care about my fucking career right now? Or what you think? Hell, or what anyone else thinks? He’s not a nobody, his name is  _ Evan.  _ And I  _ like  _ him. So why don’t you back the fuck off?”

“It’s our name on everything Connor, the record label’s on every piece of merchandise there is, and what about your sister,  _ us _ ?

“YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT YOU?” Connor exploded, ripping his hand away from Evan. “You don’t get an opinion on my life anymore! Okay?”

“I made you Connor, I  _ made  _ your career,  it’s _ my _ record label, you and Zoe-”

“Fuck off, Larry. We’re leaving.”

“You can’t just walk away-”

“Watch me!” Connor grabbed Evan by the hand again, and stormed out of the house, past a shocked Cynthia, slamming the door behind him, and storming halfway down the street before Evan stopped him.

“C-Connor, are y-you okay?”

Connor broke away from Evan, and ran a hand through his long hair.. “Yeah, just perfect,” he spat. “My father’s an ignorant asshole who thinks he can control my fucking life, why wouldn’t everything be amazing?”

Evan couldn’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes from the harshness in Connor’s tone, and a few spilt over his eyelids and ran down his cheeks. His lip began to quiver, and he blinked furiously. 

Connor glanced down at Evan, who was silently crying, and cursed. “Oh no, shit, no no, I’m sorry Ev, I’m sorry, don’t cry.” He took Evan’s face in his hands, and wiped the tears off with his thumbs.

“N-No, n-n-n-no, I-I’m sorrysosososorry, you d-didn’t d-do any-anything, sorrysorrysorry _ sorry-” _

“Shhhh, Ev, it’s not your fault, it was mine, I shouldn’t of yelled, I just was pissed off, okay? I’m really sorry.”

“I-it’s o-okay.” Evan took a deep breath, and gave Connor a watery smile. “I g-get s-shitty fathers, mine l-left when I was s-seven.”

Connor pulled Evan in for hug, sweetly, slowly, and laid his chin on top of his head. “It sucks, doesn’t it?” A nod. “And did the innocent Evan Hansen just swear?”

“Sh-Shut up, Connor.”

“I’m petrified.’

“You s-should be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm... I wonder did anyone pick up on the fact that Connor has had a "past relationship" that didn't turn out well? *cue evil laughter*
> 
> I might not be able to update as frequently because I have to do this camp thingy for the next couple weeks, and then I have cousins coming, but i'll try to update at least every second day!!! also, all your comments and kudos actually make me scream with excitement, you guys say such sweet things, and it makes me so happy!! thank you all so much! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a half of the 'for forever' scene, and connor asks an important question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah. I had a head-on collision with writer's block, and I knew what I wanted to happen, I just couldn't put it into words! so, I'm sorry if this is really bad, but it's the best I could come up with:( 
> 
> other than that, I'm having such a fun time writing this fic! this is actually a blast, and I'm so excited for the next few chapters!
> 
> no tws for this chapter!

_ Today’s Headline News: The mysterious boy, from the picture taken two nights ago with Connor Murphy, has been revealed as Evan Hansen, an NYU student. More information below.  _

**_You have one new message from: Connor._ **

**Connor:** did you see the news?

**Me:** Yeah… There’s people outside of my apartment building.

**Connor:** give me twenty minutes 

A knock echoed through the silent apartment, and Evan jumped off of the couch, where he had been sitting, buried underneath about ten blankets. He peeked out through the peephole, and let out a relieved sigh when he saw Connor standing outside. 

“Jesus, you wouldn’t think that putting on a pair of fucking sunglasses would turn you into a whole different person.” Connor breezed past Evan without an invitation, and dramatically flopped onto the couch, kicking his feet up. “But I walked right past those fucking idiots, and they never even looked at me.”

“Yeah, um, haha,” Evan giggled nervously, because _ohmygod, Connor Murphy was in his_ _apartment, and he was sitting on his couch, ohmygod._ Evan’s hands twitched, and he automatically grabbed the hem of his shirt and twisted it around his finger. “Um, how c-come they didn’t go to your place and, you know...” Evan trailed off, and gestured towards the curtained window, that had crowds of reporters standing outside, blocking the sidewalk, hoping for a glimpse of the so-called “lovers.”

Connor pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. “Oh, they did. But I might’ve threatened them a little,” he admitted. “I told them that if they didn’t get their asses out of my business, I would personally make sure that they got fired within the next five minutes. And maybe some other stuff too.”

“W-Wow…” Evan perched awkwardly on the edge of the couch and coughed a little. Connor picked at his nail polish for a second, before shooting his head up and staring Evan in the eye. “How are you doing?”

Evan was taken aback by the out-of-the-blue question. “E-Excuse me?”

“You  _ hate  _ people looking at you, you can’t stand crowds, how can you deal with a mob of assholes standing outside your window, basically stalking you?” Connor spread his arms, as if to indicate the whole situation. 

Evan blushed. “Well, um, Idon’treallymind?” Connor cocked his head, and raised a questioning eyebrow at Evan. “O-Okay, yeah, I’m actually terrified, but, uh, itdoesn’treallymatterbecauseIreallylikeyouso, um, I’m fine, I am perfectly fine.”

Connor stared at Evan for a moment, and Evan shrunk under his gaze. “C’mon,” he said suddenly. “I want to take you somewhere.”

“Okay?” he said, watching as Connor stood up, pushed his sunglasses on his face, and made his way towards the door. Evan grabbed his coat and keys off the counter, following Connor blindly, a knot forming in his stomach.

**********

Connor pulled his car up into a secluded little area, a small building surrounded by trees, with little benches spread out all across the grass. 

“A La Mode?” Evan questioned, reading off the pink glowing sign that was attached onto the structure.

“Yeah, it’s this really cool ice cream place. I used to come here with Zoe and my parents, before… um, I mean, when we were kids.”

Evan noticed how Connor was starting to pick at his nail polish again, a habit, he was realizing, Connor did whenever he was feeling uncomfortable. The blond reached his hand over, tentatively placing it on Connor’s arm, and Connor’s fingers stilled. He cleared his throat, and observed Evan softly. “Let’s go in,” he suggested, and Evan nodded in agreement.

Connor and Evan got out of the car, and walked into the shop, Evan looking around in amazement at all of the retro movie posters and hundreds of ice cream flavours. “This is so cool!” Evan gushed, grinning at Connor. 

“Isnt it,” he said, smiling back, glad that Evan liked it. “What do you want?”

Instantly, Evan’s face was wiped of all happiness, and he stared down at his shoes. “N-Nothing,” he whispered, letting his hair fall into his face. “I didn’t bring any m-money with m-me,  _ I’mreallysorry. _ ”

Connor rolled his eyes, and nudged Evan gently. “Hey, I brought you here, I’m buying you ice cream. Now pick something, or I’ll choose for you.”

Evan gazed up at Connor with wide eyes, and said quietly, “Cookie dough in a cup, please.”

Connor smirked, and went up to the counter, ordering the ice cream while Evan stood behind him, biting at his fingernails. The taller man paid and turned around, passing Evan one cup, and grabbed his other hand. “Do you want to sit outside?” he asked. Evan nodded vigorously, and let Connor lead him out to the benches that framed the property. 

Once they were out of the store, and away from any chance of social interaction, Evan visibly relaxed, and the tension that had built up in his shoulders was released. He tilted his face up towards the late afternoon sun, and let the warmth wash over his freckles. Evan let out a little giggle, and looked over to Connor, who was staring at him with a smile on his face. “What?”

“Nothing, you’re just really cute,” Connor smirked.

.

“I’m r-really not,” Evan stuttered, feeling his face heat up. 

Connor grabbed Evan’s waist and pulled him in close. “Don’t say that. You’re absolutely adorable,” he muttered into Evan’s honey-blond hair. 

If there was a world record for the reddest blush ever, Evan would’ve won it, hands down, in that moment.

They sat down onto a wooden bench, and ate their ice cream slowly, laughing at each other, and asking pointless questions. Evan told Connor about the time that Jared ate four bathbombs on a dare, and Connor laughed so hard that he had tears running down his cheeks, and ended up wiping his face on Evan’s sleeve.

“Gross!”

“It’s your fault I’m crying in the first place.”

“Yeah, and it’s your fault my shirt is soaked!” Connor laughed at Evan’s attempt at being angry, and easily threw his hair up into a bun. Evan watched as his pale hands wrapped the dark strands with an elastic, and grinned when Connor’s nose scrunched up from focusing.

“Um, Connor?”

Connor hummed to let Evan know that he was listening, and Evan choked back the question that had almost escaped his lips.  _ Damn it Evan, control yourself.  _ “Uh, how did you and Zoe start your band?” he improvised.

Connor laughed a little, and a look that Evan couldn’t quite understand clouded his eyes. Nostalgia? Sadness? “Oh,” he began, a bit surprised. “Well, um, we’ve played music our whole lives, because of Larry and all, but we never really got into it. And then um, some  _ things  _ happened,” Connor furrowed his eyebrows, looking indecisive, before shaking his head sadly. “Anyways, during my senior year, Zoe and I were messing around with her guitar in my room, and we just started singing and playing chords, just fucking around, when Cynthia came in and asked what song we were singing, and that she really liked it. That’s when we realized that we were writing a fucking  _ song, _ ” Connor grinned, pride showing on his face. “We wanted to try and get it recorded ourselves, without Larry getting involved, but he insisted, and forced us to sign onto his record label. Zoe graduated high school a year early, we were on tour by the next summer, and now here we are.” 

Evan gaped at Connor. “So you just like, um, wrote a song without even trying?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Holy s-shit.”

Connor tossed back his head and laughed, a musical sound of pure joy that made Evan’s heart skip a beat. “Holy shit,” he agreed. 

Evan took another bite of ice cream, letting it melt on his tongue. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” he murmured underneath his breath, slipping his eyelids shut.

“Me too.” 

“Y-You weren’t supposed to h-hear that,” Evan stammered, eyes flying open.

Connor said nothing, only slipping his gaze down to Evan’s lips. “You have ice cream on your face,” Connor breathed. 

“O-Oh?”

He reached out and softly rubbed his thumb along the corner of Evan’s mouth. Evan didn’t move, and just stared at Connor’s concentrated expression, feeling his heart thump in his chest, so loudly that Connor must’ve been able to hear it. Connor paused for a minute, his hand still resting on Evan’s face. He flitted his eyes up to Evan’s, and sunlight shone on his lashes. “Evan,” he said softly. “Can I kiss you?”

Evan couldn’t say anything, only being able to nod. Connor pressed his lips to Evan’s and the world around them seemed to slow down. Connor’s lips were soft, unlike what Evan had expected, and tasted like strawberries. Evan grasped the front of Connor’s sweater, and Connor put one hand on Evan’s back, the other digging into his soft hair. Evan smiled against Connor’s mouth, and they pulled back and leaned their foreheads together. 

“That was…”

“Amazing.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed, still a little out of breath. They stayed like that for a minute, just holding onto each other, savouring the moment. Connor moved back first, and gripped onto Evan’s hand, like it was the only thing grounding him to life. 

**********

The moment of bliss was broken, when Connor pulled up outside of Evan’s apartment building, the car instantly being surrounded by reporters. Evan squeezed Connor’s hand slightly, the hand that he hadn’t let go of since they had broken apart. Connor squeezed back, and took a deep breath, before shoving open the car door, forcing people back.

He pushed his way to the other side or the car, ignoring the shouts and flashing lights, and instead opened the car door for Evan, pulling him close. Evan breathed out a sigh of relief. Being close to Connor made him feel safe, made him feel  _ wanted _ . In the times when he normally would be freaking out, like now, Connor kept him sane, even if he wasn’t the calmest person himself. And Evan loved it.

“Back the fuck up!” Connor hissed at a brown haired reporter wearing bright red lipstick, who had grabbed his arm. 

“How long has this relationship been going on for, Connor?”

“Evan, look over here!”

“Evan, how did you meet Connor?”

“What did I say?” Connor shouted, as mob continued to follow them. “He doesn’t want to be questioned, so how about you fucking leave him alone!” Connor pulled Evan into the apartment building, past the glass doors, and into the elevator, slamming the ‘close’ button so hard, that Evan was scared his fist might end up on the other side of the wall. Connor let out a sigh, and smiled at Evan. “You okay?” he questioned, and the shorter boy nodded. The elevator dinged, and the pair stepped out. 

“Um, t-thank you for doing that back there.”

“Anything for my boyfriend.”

“Your b-b-boyfriend?” Evan gasped, liquid fire coursing through his veins at the word.

For the first time since they had met, Connor looked  _ nervous.  _ “Um, I mean, if you  _ want  _ to be I guess, you don’t have to, I’m don’t wanna force you or anything-” Connor was cut off by Evan practically jumping on him, curling his arms around Connor’s torso. “ _ Yes, _ ” he whispered, burying his face in Connor’s chest.

Connor beamed, and sunk into the hug. “ _ Awesome, _ ” he grinned. They held onto each for longer than what was probably deemed “socially acceptable,” but neither of them really cared. 

“So I guess I’ll see you soon?”

“D-Definitely!”

Evan waved to Connor as he walked down the hall, and closed the door softly behind him, before letting out an ear-piercing shriek of excitement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor 100% got into his car, and squealed at the top of his lungs after evan said yes. 
> 
> side note: I heard the great comet was closing, and I'm really sad??? like why, its such a great show???
> 
> next chapter is a time skip of about two weeks (because I just realized that these boys have only known each other for a week), where evan is starting a new semester at college, and we meet an oc whom I hate with all my heart:) also, all of the characters are gonna meet each other at some point, don't worry!
> 
> okay, the only thing that's keeping my from throwing my computer out the window are your comments and kudos, thank you so much for everything, and stay safe xx<3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jared is a mom for 0.3 seconds, evan is nervous and overwhelmed, and connor loves evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had enough social interaction in the past week to last me a year
> 
> okay, so there's a time skip of about two weeks, and it's the first day of a new semester at evan's college. also, we meet an OC in this chapter, who only shows up for about a minute, thank goodness
> 
> I don't think there are any tws for this chapter, but stay safe xx

**_You have two new messages from: Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3: ** dont worry about today, okay?

**Connor <3: ** youll be fine

**Me:** Thank you:)

**Connor <3: ** do you want to come over after your classes today? I want cuddles:)

**Me:** Sure! I have an appointment with my therapist until 4 though, is that okay?

**Connor <3: ** yea, ill pick you up

**Connor <3: ** at nyu, right?

**Me:** Yes.

**Connor <3: ** cool, see you then <3

**Me:** <3

**********

“If anyone gives you shit, just tell me, and I’ll kick their ass. ‘Kay, Acorn?”

Evan rolled his eyes at Jared, trying to ignore the feeling of dread settling in his stomach. He felt like a first grader leaving their parents on the first day of school, about to burst into ugly tears and throw a temper tantrum. “Yes, Mom.”

“Love you,sweetie,” Jared said in a sickly-sweet voice, attempting to pat the top of his head, with an annoyed Evan swatting his hand away. “Now, get out of my fucking car, Hansen.”

Evan rearranged his face into something that resembled a smile, and forced himself to walk across the parking lot, up the stairs, and towards the building. He squeezed his eyes shut, and took a deep breath, before shoving the doors open and walking inside. 

Immediately, the usual noise of students shouting and laughing was silenced, and Evan could feel eyes burning into him. His stomach tied itself into knots, and he stared at his feet, hearing the whispers that filled the air.

_ “Is that Evan Hansen?” _

_ “He’s  the one that’s dating Connor Murphy, right?” _

_ “I love his band!” _

_ “Why is he  _ **_here_ ** _?” _

Evan focused on his breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, and fiddled with the zipper of the grey sweater he had stolen from Connor a few weeks ago. It was soft, and way too big on him, hanging halfway down his thighs. He pulled the sleeves over his wrists, and clutched the strap of his bag a little tighter.

“Hey, you’re Evan Hansen, right?”

Evan was so caught up in putting one foot in front of the other, just focusing on getting to class, that he didn’t even notice when a tall, muscular boy with bleach blonde hair, and a green tank top stepped in front of him. Evan recognized him as Matt Anderson, the school’s token popular jock, who somehow manages to get away with everything, just because he has a rich father who basically pays for the school to stay open, and thinks he’s all that because he has a Instagram page full of B-lister celebrities. Not that Evan usually thought these things on a regular basis, no, he was way too nice for that. This was just what he happened to overhear from the back of a classroom, as he blended in with the walls. “No! Uh, I m-mean, y-yes? Um, y-yes I’m Evan, w-why?”

The taller boy raked his eyes up Evan’s body, and his skin crawled wherever Matt looked. He crossed his arms over his chest self-consciously, and dug his fingernails into his arms, a sharp, stabbing feeling washing over his skin.  _ Don’t look at me, don’t look at me, pleasedon’tlookatme- _

Green Tank Top’s gaze landed on Evan’s face, and the blond screamed inwardly as he smirked. “I’m Matt. Matt Anderson,” he sneered, and reached a hand out for Evan to shake. Evan wiped his own quivering hand on his pants, before tentatively returning the gesture. “Is it true?” Matt whispered, pulling Evan in a little closer, so that Evan could feel hot breath on his face. “Are you dating Connor Murphy?”

He let go of Evan’s hand, and Evan backed up, his shoulders shaking. “Um, y-yeah, that’s, uh, that’s ri-right, I a-am,” he sputtered, tripping over his words, as Matt took a step closer.

“I know Connor’s ex-boyfriend- he’s probably told you all about him- and I just wanted to introduce myself,” he bragged,a smug smirk resting on his lips. But Evan wasn’t watching him. All he could think about was what Matt had just said.

_ Connor’s ex-boyfriend? _

“Hello? You there?” Matt waved his hand in front of Evan’s face, snapping him back to reality. 

“S-Sorry, wh-what did y-you say?” Evan could feel his face burning with embarrassment, and Matt looked at Evan like there was something seriously wrong with him. 

_ ‘That’s because there is.’ _

“Whatever, man. I’ll see you around.” Matt strutted off, hips swinging, and Evan breathed a sigh of relief. He turned, and darted down the almost-empty hall, slipping into his first class before the door shut. 

Evan’s ears were ringing, so loud that he couldn’t even hear the teacher at the front of the class welcoming everyone. He couldn’t hear the order to take out their books, couldn’t hear what page to turn to, only being able to follow along with the rest of the classes’ actions. 

_ ‘Breathe, Evan. Jesus, he was only trying to talk to you, and you screwed it up. That’s pretty pathetic.’ _

He took a deep gulp of air, trying to calm the pounding of his heart against his ribcage. Something wasn’t right. Even though Evan didn’t have much experience with, well, talking to people, were you supposed to feel like you needed a two hour shower to scrub the other person’s gaze off of you? Was this normal? He never felt like this with Connor, or Jared, or even Zoe, for that matter.

Evan tried to push the thoughts from his mind, and began to mindlessly copy notes down from the board. He thought about what Matt had told him, about how Connor had probably told him about his ex-boyfriend. But Connor had never even mentioned his past relationships. What was so important? Did Connor not trust him or something? 

_ ‘You’re such an idiot. No one talks about their ex-boyfriends, have you ever even been in a relationship before?’ _

_ No. _

_ ‘Really? I couldn’t of guessed.’ _

**********

Connor glared down at the piece of papers spread out across the couch and over the floor. He had been trying for days to get this right, but the words just weren’t working. Strumming his guitar mindlessly, he furrowed his eyebrows and crumpled the paper that held the latest attempt.

“Knock, knock!”

Connor turned around, to see Zoe walking through his front door, swinging a set of keys around her middle finger. “Zoe, what the fuck?!”

Zoe jumped on the couch next to her older brother, causing paper to fly up around her. She grabbed one out of the air, and stared down at it. “You finished the milk last night, so I was coming up to drink yours,” she explained absentmindedly. “What’s this?”

“It’s nothing- really, please don’t read that-” Connor jumped on Zoe, trying to wrestle the sheet out of her hands, but she curled in on herself and screeched with laughter.

“Connor! Did you-”

“I swear to god, Zoe-”

“Did you write a  _ love song  _ for  _ Evan Hansen?! _ ” she screamed, bouncing up and down in excitement. “No way! My brother,  _ Connor Murphy _ , wrote something  _ sappy? _ Holy shit, this is the best day of my life!”

Connor’s face burned bright red. “It’s really not a big deal-”

Zoe pressed a hand over Connor’s mouth. “Shut up. Right now. And play it for me!”

Connor gently pushed her fingers away from his face, and shook his head. “It’s not finished yet, I can’t get the chorus right.” He looked down at the papers that were filled with crossed out words and guitar chords, and stuck out his tongue, as if his anger would somehow make the right words appear.

Zoe just grinned, and plucked the instrument out of his hands “Well, did you ever consider asking your favourite little sister for help?”

“You’d do that?” he asked, surprised. 

She threw a ‘well, duh’ look his way, and positioned her fingers over the strings. “What do you like about Evan? I mean, what do you want to say?”

Connor’s face lit up, and he thought about all the things he loved about Evan. His cute smile, his perfect laugh, the way his face lit up whenever he talked about something he was passionate about. The list could go on forever. “Well, uh, okay don’t laugh, when we’re together, it’s like, it’s like the world falls away? Kinda, I’m not the depressed kid with the shitty dad, and he’s not the college student with anxiety? When we’re together, we’re just Evan and Connor, and it’s only us, not any of the other shit.” He scratched his cheek, slightly embarrassed that he had just confessed all that to his sister.

Zoe paused, absorbing this, and suddenly began to strum the guitar, humming a little underneath her breath. Connor gazed at her, as she frowned down at the strings, before grabbing a notepad and writing something down. “What about something like this?” she asked, handing him the paper. 

He read the lyrics that were written down. “Yeah, that’s good, but I’d change this line…” Connor scribbled at the sheet, and Zoe silently nodded as she read over his shoulder.

They promptly fell into their usual routine, with one sibling writing and the other editing, both creating the tune together. It was nice, Connor thought, to just write with his sister like they used to do, back before they were a band, with pressure for each song to be better than their last. It was nice to just be brother and sister again. It was nice to have fun.

“This is it!” Zoe squealed, pointing down at the verse that they had finished.. “It’s perfect!” Connor beamed at the song they had just created, and playing a riff on the guitar to show that he agreed. “When are you going to play it for him?”

“Not sure, I’m picking him up after his appointment later on, but I don’t know-”

“You have to do it then!” she shrieked, jumping up. “Come on, I have to do your makeup!”

“Zoe, you really don’t have to-”

She pointed a long, indigo-painted fingernail in his face, effectively shutting him up. “Nope. I am not letting you look like  _ that  _ while you sing your boyfriend a love song. Absolutely not.”  

He looked down at his holey sweatpants, and ran a hand through his tangled hair. “What’s wrong with how I look?”

“Do you really want me to answer that question?”

“Not particularly.”

**********

“H-Hello?”

“Hi sweetie, how was your first day back?” 

“Oh, hi mom.” Evan huffed out a sigh at his mother’s voice. He loved her, but he had just suffered through a grueling appointment with his therapist, being questioned on how he was feeling, who his friend’s were, his classes, basically anything under the sun, and really wasn’t in the mood to play Twenty Questions, especially after listening to everyone whisper about him all day as he walked through the halls. It was a lot to handle, and Evan was just feeling overwhelmed.

“Evan, you there?”

“Huh? Oh, y-yeah, I’m here.”

“Are you okay, honey? You sound tired.”

“I’m fine, it’s just been a l-long day.”

“Did anyone bother you at school?”

A picture of the smirking Matt flashed in the front of Evan’s mind, and he shook his head to clear the image. “No mom, I’m  _ fine.  _ I g-gotta go.”

“Okay. I love you Ev.”

“Loveyoubye,” Evan blurted, and pressed the end call button. He took a shaky breath, and leaned his head against the wall. Everything just felt like it was spinning out of control, with voices bouncing around in his skull, and memories were starting to come back, memories that he would much rather forget. A buzzing noise interrupted his spiraling train of thought, and he fished his phone out of his pocket.

**_You have one new message from: Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3: ** im here

Evan tried to calm his trembling hands, and texted back a quick ‘ok.’ He rushed out of the building as fast as he could, and scanned the parking lot for Connor’s car.

**_Ding!_ **

**Connor <3: ** u look cute;)

Evan glanced up, and looked around once more, finally spotting Connor leaning against his car, staring right at him with a grin. He smiled back, and walked down the steps towards his boyfriend, the knot in his chest loosening ever-so-slightly.

_ Connor looks good. Like really good. Like better-than-normal good. _

He was wearing a light gray button-down, with skin-tight navy jeans, and his hair was up in a bun again, except this time, there wasn’t a hair out of place. As Evan got closer, he noticed Connor had winged eyeliner on, two perfect black lines, sharper than a knife. 

“Ready to go?” Connor grinned, wrapping an arm around Evan’s waist.”I have to show you something.” 

Evan nodded, and he could feel every eye in the parking lot on them. “Yeah,” he confirmed, trying to make sure his voice didn’t waver. “I’m ready.”

_ Just breathe. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was mainly a set up for the next one, which is gonna be really long, and the boys are gonna become Emotional Messes:(
> 
> also, connor in makeup gives me life, and he 100% did his own eyeliner(because Zoe couldn't get the wing right, and eventually was like 'just give it to me')
> 
> thank you for everything!!! you guys are the best, and I scream every time someone comments or leaves kudos!!! have a great day/night <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go!!! I'm updating this like ten minutes before midnight, so it technically counts as Saturday, right? 
> 
> also, the pov is all over the place, and i've been in a pretty shitty head space lately, so if this is terrible, i apologize in advance 
> 
> okay, this chapter gets pretty heavy, and if you feel like it will trigger you at all, PLEASE don't read! you are way more important than a silly fic!!!
> 
> tw: nightmares, past suicide attempts, self-hate, past self-harm, past drug use

**_You have no new notifications._ **

Evan climbed into the car in a hurry, banging his head off of the roof, and dropping his bag on the ground, so that all his books spilt out. “Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry-”

Connor slid into the driver’s seat, and reached across to help pick up the books. “Ev, it’s okay, don’t worry,” he comforted, smiling over at the shorter boy. “Are you alright? You took your medicine, didn’t you?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, I did, it’s j-just been a l-long day.” Connor opened his mouth to ask something else, but Evan cut him off, which was something he’s never done before. “”Can we not talk about it? P-Please?”

Connor looked over at Evan, and Evan tried to shoot him a reassuring smile, but it really looked more like a grimace. The taller man frowned, and turned his attention back to the road. Evan struggled to take a breath, and he bit his thumbnail. 

_ ‘Why are you screwing everything up today?’ _

Connor turned to the left, and the car began to drive down an unfamiliar road. “Um, Connor? Where are we g-going?”

“I wanted to show you something, if that’s okay. You don’t have work or anything, right?”

Evan shook his head, and tried to ignore the feeling of panic creeping up in his throat. He had hated surprises ever since his mom had tried to throw a surprise party for him when he was five, ending with him crying in the bathroom because he had been so scared when everyone had jumped out at him.

Connor noticed his trembling hands, and he laced their fingers together. “Hey,” he said softly, squeezing Evan’s hand. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”

Evan immediately felt bad. Connor was just trying to be nice, and Evan was just making everything worse. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he be normal, and go to school without freaking out and making his boyfriend worry. What was wrong with him? Evan stared out through the window at the blurred city streets, and dug his nails into the palm of his hand. Pressing his temple against the cool glass of the window, Evan closed his eyes, and began to doze off, trying to block out the day.

**********

Hair tickled his face, and a sing-song voice whispered in his ear, “Evaaaaannn, we’re heeerrree.”

Evan pushed Connor’s face away blindly, and kept his eyes shut. “‘M tired,” he mumbled, but Connor just flicked his ear gently. 

“Trees,” he whispered, a grin creeping across his face.

Evan’s eyes flew open. “Trees?”

“Trees.”

Evan surveyed the view outside the window, and saw that they were on the side of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by trees, there was an old barn that looked like it was about to fall apart, and one huge sign with faded out words that Evan couldn’t make out. The property was enclosed by a huge fence that had cracked white paint splattered across it.

“Where are w-we?”

A nervous expression crossed his face, and Connor stared down at his hands. “It’s this old apple orchard that I used to go to with Zoe- I dunno, you said that you really liked trees, maybe this was a bad idea-”

“Isn’t u-unnecessary rambling my thing?” Evan giggled. “I love it.”

Connor let out a sigh of relief, and reached into the back to pull out a black guitar case covered in stickers. Evan shot him a confused look, but he just shrugged and kicked the door open. “Don’t question it. C’mon, we’re going in.” Evan followed him out of the car, and laughed as Connor sprinted across the grass, and started to climb through a hole in the fence.

“Shouldn’t this be i-illegal or something?”

Connor froze, with one-half of his body through the wood, and turned slowly back towards Evan with one eyebrow raised and a smirk he was trying to hide. “Only if we get caught,” he deadpanned, trying to be serious, but failing miserably. 

Evan grinned, and the weight in his chest subsided a little.

He followed Connor through the fence, and into a grassy area with rows of trees stretching up to the sky. Connor grabbed his hand absentmindedly, and pointed out little things, like a stream that trickled into a small pond, or the tree that he used to climb with Zoe when they were kids. Evan gazed around in amazement, taking in all the sights and the scent of apples that still hung in the air. 

They had been walking for around ten minutes, when Connor suddenly stopped in front of a large oak tree, and turned to Evan with a wary look on his face. “Don’t laugh, okay?”

“Um, okay?”

Connor plopped down onto the grass and leaned back against the tree, patting the ground next to him expectantly. Evan carefully lowered himself down, and Connor took his guitar out of the case, fiddling with the strings for a minute, before taking a deep breath, and began to strum the instrument. 

Evan’s jaw dropped open, and he gaped at Connor as he sang. Words were tumbling out of his mouth, beautiful words, telling a story about how the world falls away, and how it was “only us.” The sun was shining on his face, and in that moment, he looked peaceful, _happy_ , singing softly and sweetly about _Evan._ _He was singing about Evan._

Connor plucked at the guitar one last time, and the notes faded away to nothing in the quiet air. “You, uh, you don’t have to say anything, I was just-”

Evan launched himself at Connor, and locked his arms around his neck. “It’s perfect,” he whispered into Connor’s shirt.  _ “Thank you.” _

Connor gripped Evan’s back, and leaned into the hug, kissing him gently on the head. “I’m glad you like it,” he muttered, closing his eyes. “I was worried.”

Evan gazed up at Connor with shining eyes. “No one’s ever done anything that nice for me before,” he admitted. Connor ran a hand through his short blond hair, and noticed that Evan had  been talking without stuttering or saying ‘um’ once. He beamed, and decided to take a risk. “You deserve it, Evan. You deserve everything.”

The look that Evan gave him after was worth it. 

The two sat there in a peaceful silence for what felt like only a short time, but was really hours, with Evan’s head lying in Connor’s lap. The sun slanted through the leaves of the tree above them, leaving strips of sun across Evan’s face, turning his eyelashes golden, and warming his cheeks. He fiddled with pieces of grass and little flowers that had been growing out of the ground, weaving them together to make a crown.

“Here you go.” Evan placed the crown on Connor’s head, a pink blush dusting his nose.

Connor turned the same shade, and scoffed half-heartedly. “Careful, Ev, you’re going to ruin my ‘bad boy’ image.”

“You are literally the softest teddy bear I’ve met.”

“Take that back right now.”

“Or what?”

Connor grinned evilly, and positioned his fingers over Evan, splaying them across his stomach. “Or…?” he challenged, dragging out the ‘r.’ Evan’s eyes widened when he realized what Connor was about to do, and he tried to squirm out of his grip, but Connor just started to tickle him, effectively pinning him to the ground.

“No… Connor, stop!” Evan laughed, as Connor continued to wiggle his fingers across his torso. “I take it back! I promise!” Connor came to an abrupt halt and leaned back, looking at the out-of-breath Evan lying on the ground proudly. 

“Told you I’m evil.”

Evan tugged on one of the strings of Connor’s sweater and tried to glare at him. “I’ll never doubt you again.” They sat there for a few more minutes, watching the sun cross the sky, lighting up the air in rosy shades of pink and orange. Evan felt calm for the first time that day, and he could almost forget about the fact that he had to go back to school and face all those people again tomorrow. He yawned, and Connor checked the time on his phone.

“It’s getting late… Do you wanna come back to my place, and eat some food and watch a movie or something?” Connor said, standing up and stretching out his sore muscles. Evan nodded, not wanting the day to be over, and followed, brushing dirt off of his pants. Connor reached out his hand, and Evan grabbed it eagerly, and they strolled slowly out of the orchard.

**********

“Connor,  _ no. _ ”

“Connor,  _ yes. _ ”

“Th-There is no way in heck I’m watching  _ Mean Girls. _ ”

Connor just grinned, and pressed play on the remote, settling back into the couch. “It’s a completely unrealistic portrayal of shitty American high schools, what’s not to love?” 

“Do I really need to answer that q-question?”

Connor threw a piece of popcorn at Evan, and he ducked. “C’mon, you know you love it.”

“I know I love  _ you _ .”   
  


Everything in the room froze, and the temperature seemed to drop. Evan’s eyes widened in shock at what he just said, and Connor just stared at him with a surprised look on his face. He clapped a hand over his mouth and began to stutter out apologies through his fingers. “Oh g-god, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, well I  _ did _ , but y-you don’t have to say it b-back or anything-” Connor quickly cut him off by pulling his hand off his mouth, and pressing their lips together. “Evan,” he whispered breathlessly. “I love you too.”

“You d-do?”

_ “Yes,” _ he grinned, and slid down so that he was lying pressed between Evan and the back of the couch. “I do.”

Evan sighed happily and snugged his face into Connor’s chest. Connor let him, and grinned down at his small body. “Wait,” he said, noticing what Evan was wearing for the first time. “Is that my sweater?”

Evan looked at him with big doe eyes, and something in Connor’s heart melted. “Yes, and you’re not g-getting it back,” he retorted, tilting his chin. 

“Didn’t think I was.”

The movie played faintly in the background, and for a moment, everything was perfect. Evan closed his eyes, and let the sound of Connor’s breathing relax him. He felt something soft being tucked around him, and a voice whispered, “Goodnight,” in his ear, before he drifted off into sleep.

**********

_ Evan was back at the orchard, standing hand-in-hand with the person next to him. They were ambling along, listening to the birds chirp, and watching the breeze ruffle the grass. The pair stopped at the base of the oak tree, that Evan recognized as the one him and Connor had sat under. Except this time, it was taller, almost 150 feet, stretching its branches to the sky. _

_ Evan turned to the person next to him, expecting it to be Connor, but his blood ran cold when he saw Matt’s leering face staring back at him. “Loser,” he sneered, tightening the grip on their hands, so hard that Evan could feel Matt’s fingernails digging into his skin. “You think he loves you? You’re pathetic. He hates you.” He pushed Evan into the trunk of the tree, and Evan gasped for breath, feeling the rough bark dig into his skin, causing his back to scream in pain. “You’ve gotten no better since that day,” Matt taunted with a cruel smile. “Why don’t you just go ahead? No one would miss you. Not Connor, not Jared, not your mother. You’d be doing them a favour.” _

_ “No!” Evan choked out, struggling to breathe. “No, they w-would, I know they w-would, C-C-Connor-” _

_ Matt pressed his body even tighter against the tree one last time, before letting him go, Evan sliding to the ground. “Don’t lie to yourself, Evan,” he jeered, before shimmering and disappearing into the sun. Evan grabbed onto his forearms, feeling hot tears run down his face. He stared up at the tree, squinting into the sunlight, and all of a sudden, his limbs were moving of their own accord. He was climbing the tree, one branch at a time, he just kept getting higher and higher,  _ **_he was up so high-_ **

_ The ground looked so small below him, and Evan felt nauseous. “Do it!” Matt’s voice chantend, and Evan shook his head, trying to grasp onto something so that he wouldn’t fall. But it was too late, the branch cracked, and Evan fell, hitting the ground with a thud. _

_ He was paralyzed, he couldn’t move, all he could do was stare up into the sky, arms frozen by his sides, and pray that someone would find him. _

_ But no one did. _

**********

Connor rubbed his eyes, and propped himself on his elbows, glancing around the inky room. The sky outside the window was studded with stars, and the clock on his phone said that it was close to 1am. For a second, Connor wondered why he was sleeping on the couch, but then he looked down, and saw a sleeping Evan beside him.

_ Oh. Right. _

Connor smiled, and sighed softly, burying himself back underneath the blanket that they were sharing. His eyelids slipped shut, and he was almost asleep again, when a hushed whimper reached his ears.

He turned his head around to look for the source of the noise, and saw that Evan’s eyebrows were now furrowed, and he was clutching the edge of the blanket in his hands, so that his knuckles were turning white. Another terrified whimper escaped his lips, and Connor knew immediately that he was having a nightmare. He shook Evan’s shoulder lightly, hoping to wake him up. “C’mon Ev, it’s just me, you gotta wake up, okay?”

Evan was full on shaking now, and his breath was coming in shorts gasps of air. Tears were leaking from his closed eyes, and running down his face. His chest was heaving, and he thrashed around, kicking his legs, and murmuring under his breath, words that Connor couldn’t make out. Connor’s heart cracked in his chest. “Evan, wake up!”

“No!” Evan rolled over, and fell off the couch with a thump, letting out an ear-shattering scream. His eyes flew open, and he looked up at Connor, before bursting into tears. “C-C-C-C-” He couldn’t force the words out, and he just sobbed even harder, curling into a ball, hugging his knees into his chest.

Connor slid down next to Evan, and pulled the smaller boy into his lap. “Shhh, shh, it’s okay, baby, you’re okay, it wasn’t real, it was just a dream.” Evan shook his head furiously, and Connor pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’ve got you.” They stayed like that, until Evan could breath normally and Connor hugged him even tighter. “Do you want to tell me what it was about?” Connor asked.

Evan’s eyes welled up with tears, and he reached a shaking hand up to rub at his face. “I c-c-can’t, I d-don’t kn-know what to d-do, C-Connor,  _ help-” _

“It’s just a dream, it’s okay Ev,” Connor comforted him, and grabbed his hand, rubbing circles on it with his thumb.

“N-No, it w-wasn’t a dream- w-well, it was, but it was tr- _ true _ ,” Evan sniffed.

Connor drew back and stared at him, feeling a pit open up in his stomach. “What do you mean?”

Evan took a deep breath, realizing what he was about to say. “I-It was my senior year in high s-school-”

“No, Evan, you don’t have to tell-”

“I n-need to, j-just let me finish. O-Okay, so, it was senior year, and, and I just felt so _alone,_ my mom worked all, all the t-time, I didn’t have anyone, Jared just c-called me a, a ‘family friend,’ and I thought it would be better for e-everyone if I wasn’t there,” They were both crying now, Connor rocking Evan back and forth and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. “I wanted- I wanted to _die,_ Connor, I wanted it to be _o-over_ ,” he sobbed. “So, one day, I c-climbed the highest t-tree I could find, and I-” He broke off, and shook his head. “I was l-lying on the ground, thinking that s-someone was going to find m-me- but no one d-did. I walked to the hospital, and o-only ended up with a broken arm, and my mom freaked out, she saw right through m-me, and I went to t-therapy, but some d-days, I feel like nothing’s _better,_ and I never told J-Jared, and, I don’t, I don’t _know_ anymore.” Evan finished, and they sat there in shock for a minute, Connor absorbing all the information and Evan still silently crying.

Connor knew that no amount of pity or sympathy was going to help Evan. No action was going to make the voices just go away, no words were going to magically make him feel better. But Connor knew how it felt. He knew how it felt to be an empty shell, a hollow figure forcing themselves through each day, wanting for it to all stop. He knew how it felt, and he never wanted Evan to feel those things, feel that hopelessness and despair.

“It happened to me before then,” Connor broke the silence. “It started in second grade, when I threw a printer at my teacher. She kinda deserved it, the bitch, calling me a spoiled brat and skipped over my turn to be the line leader.” He laughed without humour, but quickly sobered. “I had really bad anger issues, but fucking Larry refused to take me to a professional. He said it would ‘ruin his reputation’ to have a messed-up son. Honestly, I don’t really blame him.”

“C-Connor-”

Connor sucked in a deep breath through his clenched teeth. What was he doing, why was he telling Evan this? “In eighth grade, I started smoking, doing drugs, I cut myself, anything really to take the edge off. But nothing worked, obviously, I needed help, and no one would give it to me. Zoe was terrified of me, I would scream and bang on her door, threatning to kill her-” Connor let out a strangled sob, and Evan wrapped his arms around the taller man. “She hated me, my parents hated me, I had scars running up my arms, everything you can think of. And it was just too much. There were pills in our bathroom, and I couldn’t do it anymore.”  Evan dug his head into the crook of Connor’s neck, and Connor could feel the collar of his sweater gradually getting wetter with tears. “After I got out of the hospital, Larry threw me into therapy, gave me medicine, but he never really cared. He just wanted the perfect son. That’s why, after Cynthia found me and Zoe singing together, he threw us into all of this.” Connor gestured around the room, as if to indicate his life now. “And I’m glad he did it, I guess, but he doesn’t care about us. Not as his son and daughter anyway.” He finished his story, and he leaned his head back against the couch. Everything was silent, and Evan curled up into Connor.

“Can we make a p-promise?” Evan whispered, so quiet, that if Connor didn’t want to answer, he could’ve pretended not to hear.

“Sure.”

“If we e-ever feel like that again, we t-talk to each other first? Like, no doing anything… well, you k-know.”

“Okay,” Connor breathed. “Okay, we can do that.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Evan sighed, and let himself breathe. They were both exhausted, mentally and physically, too tired to move to the bed, or even the couch. Connor wrapped an arm around him, and Evan’s head fell onto his shoulder. “Evan.”

“Hm?”

Connor chipped the edge of his nail polish off, and laid his cheek on Evan’s hair. “I just wanted to tell you, that you’re not alone anymore, okay? I love you, and you’re perfect.” He whispered the last words, as if they scared him to say out loud.

Evan looked up at him, and pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips. “I love you too,” he said simply, but the meaning behind them was so much more. “And you’re not alone either.”

They didn’t say anything else, and the pair slowly began to fall asleep, still entangled in each other’s arms. And everything was okay.

For a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took way longer then it should've to write, and i don't think i really liked how it turned out:(
> 
> so, this was a lot to shove into one chapter, but i feel like they're the kind of people that, once they start talking, the words just spill out until everything's out in the open. also, the song Connor sang to Evan was only us (duh) so just,, try to imagine it like a solo and with a few lyrics changed to fit their situation?
> 
> whew, im pretty tired now, so have a great day/night wherever you are!
> 
> thank you all for everything, your comments and kudos make my day!!! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan and connor have a idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um, thank you so much for over 1000 hits??? it's only been like two weeks, and it might not seem like a lot, but this is this first time people have actually read my writing before, and idk, it just makes me really excited!!!
> 
> okay, so I've been worrying a lot about the characterization, because I don't want them to be too far off from the actual characters, but I'm trying to keep in mind that they're adults now, and a lot of stuff has happened since high school? but that probably means we're going to be seeing connor's other side of his personality, and stuff like that so,,, yay? if you have any advice on this, please tell me, I would love to hear it!
> 
> also, here's a summary of the past chapter in case you didn't want to read it: evan and connor went to the orchard, and connor sang evan the song he wrote him. later that night, evan wakes up from a nightmare, and then end up talking about their pasts in the middle of the night
> 
> tw: referenced past suicide, past self-harm and past drug use (only mentioned in like one paragraph though)

_ Today’s News Headline: Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen spotted outside of NYU yesterday. Pictures below.  _

Connor pried his eyelids open and yawned, rolling back his shoulders. The hints of early morning sun were shining through the windows, and Connor glanced around the room, wondering for a second why he was on the floor, when he felt a weight on his legs, and looked down to see Evan Hansen sound asleep.

_ Oh shit. _

Memories of the night before flooded his head, and Connor’s breath hitched in his throat. Did Evan actually tell him that? Did  _ Connor  _ actually tell  _ Evan  _ that?

Connor could feel himself starting to panic and he decided that it would probably be best if he got out of that room, and fast. Reaching blindly behind him, he grabbed a pillow, and slowly maneuvered Evan’s head so that he wasn’t lying on Connor’s legs anymore. Evan shuffled around in his sleep a little, but didn’t wake up. Connor breathed a sigh of relief, and pushed himself off the floor, gliding silently down the hall into the kitchen. 

He began to boil water for tea, and leaned up against the island, looking out over the city skyline. Everything seemed to glow in the sunrise, and the buildings sparkled, reflecting their light into the air. These were the kind of mornings that Connor loved, the mornings where everything was silent, and he didn’t have to worry about freaking out at anyone, or having people take pictures of him. He liked being alone with his thoughts, to take the time to breathe, and sort through everything that was going on.

Well, he usually did anyway.

But now, his thoughts were plagued with nightmares, and trees, and  _ Evan, _ the Evan that had tried to jump out of a tree, the Evan that had tears running down his face, the Evan that had told Connor that he loved him. Evan loved Connor. Connor loved Evan. And that kind of terrified the shit out of him.

Connor was scared of loving Evan. He knew that was literally the most cliche thing ever, but it was true. He was scared of loving him, being with him, hurting him. He was scared that Evan was going to break him, use him,  _ leave  _ him, like people had done before. And he didn’t want that. Not with Evan. Connor honestly didn’t think that Evan  _ would  _ do that, but there was a tiny piece of his brain always whispering, ‘what if?’ making him draw back, stay away, never letting anyone in. But Evan and his stupidly perfect smile, and his stupidly perfect voice, and his stupidly perfect  _ everything,  _ had somehow rooted his way into Connor’s heart, setting up camp in the place that Connor had swore not to let anyone in. And what scared Connor the most, was that he didn’t think he  _ wanted  _ Evan to leave either.

The kettle whistled, and Connor was snapped out the trance he was in. He poured the boiling water into a mug that Zoe had bought him ironically, one that read, ‘World’s Best Dad,’ and let the tea leaves steep into the cup.

He wrapped one hand around the mug, and brought it to his lips, his thoughts still rampaging through his brain. The things that he had told Evan last night, were things that he had never discussed with anyone, other than his therapist and his family. But he hadn’t told Evan all the details. He hadn’t told Evan about how he had been high almost every day, how he had cut his arms to ribbons every week. He hadn’t told Evan about how he had broke Zoe’s door down one night, high off his ass, screaming while she cried, pressed into the corner. It had taken years to mend their relationship, and it had only been recently that Connor had been able to touch her without her flinching.

The hot liquid burned as it ran down Connor’s throat, and his head hurt. 

“Hey…”

Connor whirled around, to find a yawning Evan standing a few feet away from him. “Oh, hi,” he mumbled, wincing at the way his voice cracked. “Do you want tea?”

Brilliant, Connor. Absolutely brilliant.

“No, thanks,” he said quietly, sliding onto a stool that was sitting at the island, and folding his hands neatly on his lap. “I didn’t know you, uh, you d-drank tea.”

Connor just shrugged.

They sat in silence for a few moments, with Connor tapping his fingers against the side of his mug, and taking scalding sips, and Evan sitting across from him looking deep in thought. Connor took a deep gulp of air, and opened his mouth, unable to stand the quiet anymore. “So, um, about last night…”

Evan instantly got a panicked look on his face, and his hands went to the hem of Connor’s- well, Evan’s now- sweater. “W-We don’t have t-to talk about it if you don’t want t-to, I k-know you probably t-think I’m messed up or s-something-”

Connor snorted. “Yeah, you’re the one who’s messed up, that’s right. Listen, if there was a competition for the most fucked up person, I’d be the champion.”

Evan gave him a strange look. “But there isn’t.” 

“No, there’s not.” Connor swallowed a mouthful of tea.

Evan paused for a moment, seemingly thinking something over. “I just… I just w-wish there was something we could  _ do, _ ” he said carefully.

Connor sat down the mug, and propped his chin up on his hands. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Evan looked down, and scratched at the back of his neck. “Well, um, there’s just a lot of p-people who don’t u-understand, um, mental health? And I was thinking, like, what if they did? W-What if there was something that h-helped people, who, um, who don’t have supportive families? Or who just need someone to talk to? Or, um people who don’t u-understand?”

“Like fucking Larry.”

“Like f-fucking Larry.”

Connor nodded in agreement, because even though Evan wasn’t doing to best job of explaining, he understood what he was trying to say. “Kind of like, a project or something, to help raise awareness? To show that they’re not alone?”

Evan’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Yes, exactly!”

“Maybe we… Jesus Christ, I don’t know, maybe we  _ could _ do something.”

“R-Really? Like what?”

“Fuck, I don’t know…”

The room fell back into silence, but not the awkward kind, more like the kind where everyone feels like they’re on the brink of something important, but they don’t quite know what.

Connor sighed. “Maybe we could, uh, talk to Zoe and Alana? Alana always the one who comes up with ideas for music videos, projects, all that shit. She’d probably think of something.”

Evan took a quick glance at the clock on the wall, and a small frown formed on his lips. “Um, I k-kind of have to go to class, but uh, do you want to come over tomorrow night?” HIs eye twitched, and he tangled his fingers back into his shirt. “J-Jared, uh, Jared wanted to meet you, so maybe he could help too? Alana and Zoe could come, and you know, we could have supper?”

Connor was suspicious, because he was starting to figure out that when Evan was lying, or when he felt awkward, he would always tug on the fabric of whatever he was wearing, and Evan was pulling on the sweater like his life depended on it. “Yeah, sure, I’ll tell them.”

“Just, can we not t-tell them about the stuff from last night?”

“‘Course.”

Evan looked at the clock again and said that he should go, making a move towards the door. Connor just laughed at him, and asked if he was planning to go without his books, and in the same clothes he had been wearing since yesterday.

Evan blushed, and grabbed an apple off the fruit bowl on the counter, throwing it at his head. Connor caught it with a grin, and took a huge bite. And in the warm morning air, everything was bright, and shiny, and perfect.

**********

“You did WHAT?!”

Evan stuck a lid on a cup of coffee, and slid it across the counter towards a middle-aged woman with long dreadlocks. He flinched at Jared’s voice and shushed him. “I didn’t mean to get you i-into this, I’m s-sorry! But he was doing that thing with his e-eyes, and I didn’t know w-what to say! So, I just kinda… asked them over for supper?”

Jared smirked at his discomfort, and began to arrange brownies on a tray to display. “I have no interest in meeting Hot Topic and his sister’s or whatever, or making them food.”

Evan gave him a pleading look. “Please, Jared? Y-You know what happens when I try to cook!”

“Yes, and I’m never letting you touch my oven again,” Jared said, scrunching up his nose, remembering the time that Evan had tried to bake a cake for his mom’s birthday, but put in way too much baking soda, causing the cake to literally explode. “But it’s not happening. Besides, they probably like caviar, or something fucking weird like that.”

Evan didn’t usually play the bad guy, but there was no way that he was about to make food, and he wasn’t going to just call Connor and cancel. “Jared Kleinman, if you don’t do this, I will call your mother and tell her all about the time you used her credit card to order two hundred dollars worth of bath bombs.”

Jared turned pale. “You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Evan stared Jared down, raising one eyebrow and pursing his lips together into a straight line. Jared attempted to stare back, but threw his arms up and conceded when Evan’s fingers crept to his pocket and started to pull out his phone. “Fine, fine!” he grumbled, and Evan smiled winningly. “But you’re paying for it.”

“Of course, Jared.” Evan turned towards the espresso machine, this time with a spring in his step, and a smirk on his face.

**********

**_Message to: Sis and Future Sis-In-Law_ **

**Me:** we’re going over to evan’s for supper tmrw. u have no choice. Eat whatever he gives you, and if you embarrass me, ill drink all of ur milk

**Sis:** connor, you touch my milk...

**Me:** like i said, u have no choice

**************

Evan straightened his button-down, and stared at his reflection in the mirror. His hands felt sweaty, and he shoved them into the pockets of his too-big pants and tried to take calming breaths. This had seemed like a good idea when Connor had been sitting in front of him, looking at him with his pretty eyes, or when he had convinced Jared to buy enough chicken to feed the entire U.S military. But now that he was actually waiting for someone to knock on the door, he kind of felt like he should pack a suitcase, change his name, and move to Japan. How could’ve he actually thought it was a good idea to have his boyfriend, his boyfriend’s sister, his boyfriend’s sister’s girlfriend, meet his idiot roommate to talk about the future of mental health?

This was a new low, even for Evan.

“Hansen, get out here! I am  _ not  _ greeting your boytoy at the door!”

Evan trudged out to the kitchen, and saw Jared wearing a ‘Kiss The Cook’ apron, basically having his head stuck in the oven. He cleared his throat, and Jared whirled around, a pan of garlic bread balanced in his hand. “Oh, good, can you try this- oh shit Ev, what’s wrong.”

Jared noticed his trembling fingers, and Evan immediately clenched his hands into fists.  “Nothing!” Jared rolled his eyes, and threw the pan on the counter. “Okay, well, uh, what if they think our apartment is too small? Or, l-like, if they can’t find it or something? What if they’re  _ vegetarians,  _ ohmygod, I didn’t even  _ think _ of that-” Evan babbled, thinking up more and more reasons of how this could go wrong.

“ _ Breathe, _ Evan, Jesus Christ,” Jared muttered, grabbing Evan’s forearms, and rubbing his hands up and down. “Listen, Connor’s been here before, he knows where it is, and they’re not going to think our apartment is too small. And you’ve seen Connor eat meat before, right?”

Evan’s mind flashed back to their third date, well, it wasn’t exactly a date, it was really more like Connor wanted McDonald’s, and Evan wanted to be with Connor, so he watched him eat chicken nuggets, and ended up spilling an entire bottle of water on him. Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best example- even though Connor hadn’t cared, he had just laughed and kissed Evan- but either way, Connor was not a vegetarian, and Evan nodded at Jared.

“And don’t you think Connor would’ve told you if someone couldn’t eat something?” Another nod. “See, you’re fine.” Jared smiled at Evan and flicked the oven off. 

A sharp knocking at the door made Evan literally jump out of his thoughts. Wiping his hands on the sides of his jeans, he grasped at the doorknob, and after a few tries, he managed to get it open. Connor was standing on the other side, wearing his normal grey sweater and an apologetic look on his face. “Zoe and Alana are here,” he said as a greeting, scratching the back of his neck. “They’re just-”

“-telling you, Avril Lavigne is dead!”

“Zoe, that’s absolutely ridiculous-:

“It’s true!”

Zoe and Alana were walking down the hallway, arms wrapped around each other, in the middle of a heated argument. Connor elbowed them both, and Zoe broke off, facing towards Evan, smiling. “Hi, Evan! How are you?”

Evan managed a small small, and he opened the door wider so they can all come in. “I’m g-good, how are you?”

“I’d be great, if Alana would just believe me that Avril Lavigne is being replaced by-”

“Did someone say Avril Lavigne?” Jared strutted into the room, and held out his hand for them to shake. “The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman, at your service.” The girls introduced themselves, but Connor just stared at his hand as if it was some sort of snake. “So you’re the one who left Evan to have a panic attack in the bathroom,” he sneered. The air instantly became uncomfortable, and Jared dropped his hand to his side. Evan gave Connor a look that said ‘shut up right now.’

“Ah, um, fuck, nevermind,” Connor mumbled after seeing Evan’s face.

The hurt look on Jared’s face was covered up by a smirk, and he gestured towards the dining room. “Yeah, whatever. You guys want some food or what?”

Everyone nodded in agreement, and Evan led them to the table, while Jared went and got the food from the kitchen. He felt an arm encircle his waist and he glanced up to see Connor staring down at him.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, squeezing Evan’s hip. “It just kinda slipped out.”

Evan smiled, despite himself. “Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s fine. Just, j-just maybe you could apologize to Jared or s-something?” Connor nodded reluctantly, and they all sat down as Jared brought out the food. 

Small talk was made as they ate, and Evan could feel his heartbeat slowing down. This was alright, no one openly hated each other, no one was arguing. He shoveled a spoonful of peas in his mouth, and nearly choked when he felt a warm hand on his thigh. Connor stared at Evan, silently asking if this was okay. Evan nodded softly and swallowed. 

“Do you want to ask them about it?” Connor whispered, while the other three discussed conspiracy theories. “We can wait if you want.”

Evan shook his head. “No, uh, let’s do it now,” he agreed. 

“Okay.” Connor sat up, and cleared his throat so that everyone turned towards him and Evan. “Um, me and Evan have something to talk to you guys about-”

Jared held up his hands, and glared at the two. “You guys better not be getting married, I swear, it’s only been like a month, and I haven’t even given Connor the shovel talk yet.”

The girls burst into laughter, and Evan and Connor turned turned red. “No, no that’s not it,” he denied, running a hand through his hair. “Um, okay, so the other night, me and Evan were just talking about life, and uh, other stuff, and we were thinking that, like, there’s a lot of people who don’t exactly understand mental illness and stuff? So we were thinking, that we wanted to start a campaign, or project, or something like that? To raise awareness?” Connor explained, and Evan nodded in agreement.

Jared and Alana looked at them with interested expressions, but Zoe was basically beaming. “ _ Yes,” _ she said, with a proud look on her face. “What kind of project were you thinking?”

“Um, w-we haven’t exactly figured that out yet?”

The table was silent for a moment, until Alana burst out into laughter. Evan’s heart sank. Did she think it was stupid? “You guys honestly don’t know what to  _ do? _ ” she laughed, wiping tears from her eyes.

“No?”

“Okay, Connor, think about it. You and Zoe are literally the biggest band in America right now. You  _ sing  _ for a living. What do you think you should do?”

“Oh…  _ Oh!” _

“Am I missing something over here?” Jared asked, scratching his cheek. 

“A benefit concert,” Alana grinned. 

“We could write songs…”

“Do interviews!”

“Go on television!”

“Um, I can’t sing? Or t-talk?”

All eyes turned to Evan, and his face lit on fire. But Connor grinned, and just put his hand on his shoulder. “You, Jared and Alana could help organize it! It’ll be amazing!”

“Me?” Jared asked, slightly surprised. 

“Yeah, you,” Connor said, smiling a little in his direction.

The excitement in the room was infectious, and Evan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest. He grabbed Connor’s hand, and squeezed it tightly. “Do you think, um, do you think we can a-actually do this?” he said quietly, only loud enough for Connor to hear.

“Yes,” Connor grinned. “Yes I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo lotta stuff happened in this one.
> 
> the author may or may not be projecting her opinions into her writing (ik that's bad, but I honestly couldn't help myself on this one), because it's a huge issue that some people don't believe mental illness is a real thing?? like, they think that it's so easy to get rid of it, but it's not, and people need to understand that?
> 
> but the squad is gonna help people, and help spread the word and I'm really excited for that!!! of course, not without some angst, that will eventually show up
> 
> also, connor is really insecure about his relationship, because he doesn't like getting attached to people, and he loves evan a lot:(
> 
> wow, this got really long, but I just want to say thank you so much for your comments and kudos, they are honestly the best part of my day!!!<3


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan is nervous, connor doesn't like his father, and there's kissing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa, this is shorter than normal, but I'm really tired, and currently working on another deh oneshot at the moment!
> 
> tw for panic

**_Group message to: Connor <3, Living Meme, Zoe, Alana and Me_ **

**Zoe:** connor, that is the stupidest name ive ever heard.

**Connor <3: ** its not as bad as ‘bathbomb protection squad’

**Living Meme:** i came up w that:(

**Connor <3: ** petition to kick kleinman out of this group chat

**Zoe:** petition to kick connor out of this group chat?

**Me:** No…

**Connor <3: ** i luv you

**Me:** <3

**Zoe:** ew

**Living Meme:** EW

**Alana:** Ew.

**Connor <3: ** you practice that or something?

**Connor <3: ** because that was pre simultaneous

**Zoe:** im willing to bet money that you had to search up that word

**Connor <3: ** fuck you

**Alana:** oKAY

**Alana:** But being serious for a second here, we need to come up with a name for this project. We can’t advertise anything until you idiots come up with something.

**Connor <3: ** um, you could help 2???

**Alana:** I’ve done enough, thank you very much.

**Alana:** Whose idea was it to have a major online presence, and create a website that thousands of people will visit every day? Whose idea was it to plan a benefit concert with all proceeds going towards our mental health awareness foundation?

**Alana:** BUT IT ALL MEANS NOTHING IF WE CAN’T COME UP WITH A FREAKING NAME!!

**Zoe:** babe, how much caffeine have you had today?

**Alana:** Too much. 

**Living Meme:** we can c that

**Connor <3: ** okay okay

**Connor <3: ** oh shit larrys calling me

**Zoe:** what?!?!

**Zoe:** fuck

**Zoe:** connor?

**********

**_You have one new message from: Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3: ** i need to talk to you

**Connor <3: ** can i come over

**Me:** yeah,.. ojay

**********

In the fifteen minutes it took for Connor to send him the message and get to Evan’s apartment, he had washed the dishes, scrubbed the floors, and cleaned his bedroom, until everything was spotless and organized. Jared had come out of his room at one point, but Evan just threw a soapy sponge at his face and screamed at him, something about cryptic text messages and Connor. He had stood there for a second, with soap in his eyes, and muttered the words ‘stress cleaning again’ underneath his breath, before turning back to hide away. Evan didn’t pay any attention to him, just turned back towards the shiny kitchen and let his thoughts run rampant. 

What the hell does, ‘I need to talk to you’ mean? Wasn’t that like, the start of every breakup in every hetrosexual movie on earth? Oh god, was Connor going to leave him? He must’ve done something wrong, but Evan didn’t know what. Maybe Connor was just sick of him.

Yeah. That was probably it. 

Evan tugged on a loose thread that was hanging off the hem of his polo shirt. His legs were shaking, and blood was pounding in his head, turning his palms sweaty and clammy. Collapsing on the chair closest to him, he tried to take deep breaths like how his therapist had taught him, in for four, hold for seven, out for seven, or was it nine? Why was the world spinning around him?

Through the blurry haze, Evan could hear knocking, and a few seconds later, the click of a lock. A figure appeared in front of him, and he tried to choke out an apology, but he could feel a hand placed gently over his mouth to quiet him. 

“Shhh, it’s okay, you’re okay, just breathe.” Connor’s voice broke through Evan’s head, like sunshine on a cloudy day. He inhaled deeply a few times, letting air fill his lungs, before blurting out as many words as possible in one breath.

“I’msosorry,Idon’tknowwhatIdidbutpleasedon’tleaveme-” Connor cut him off before he could pass out from lack of air. “Ev, what are you talking about?”

“You s-said you ne-needed to talk, and I thought t-that you were go-going to b-break up with me,” Evan shuddered, and Connor hugged him closer.

“Jesus, Evan, I’m sorry, I should’ve known, I’m not breaking up with you, don’t worry. Although, you might want to after I tell you this,” Connor said, chipping at his nail polish. 

Fear shot through Evan’s body, and he looked up at Connor’s with confused eyes. “What do y-you mean?”

Connor leaned back, and picked at the skin around his fingernails. “Okay, so you know how I said that Larry had called me?” Evan nodded. “Well, he was talking about how he wanted to meet you, like actually meet you, without the screaming, and I was like yeah, no way. Then we started arguing, and something slipped out about the project.” Connor glared down at his fingernails, as if they had personally wronged him. “He told me that we- and I mean, like, all of us- are coming over for supper on Friday night, to ‘talk about this  _ situation. _ ’ I tried to get us out of it, but we, uh, we really have no choice.”

Evan wondered what Larry had said to Connor to make him think that way.

“It’ll b-be fine, right? It’s j-just one supper.”

Connor fixed Evan with a stare. “You can’t actually believe that. Do you even remember what happened the last time?”

Yeah, Evan could remember being called a nobody and then practically bolting out of the house. Not his idea of a fun night. “O-Okay, yeah, but w-who really cares what he t-thinks?” Evan said bravely. “We’ll go in, explain o-our idea to th-them, shove some f-food down our throats, and leave. Simple.” 

“He’s going to tear our project to shreds,” Connor sighed. “He’s going to chew it up and spit it out, and tell us we can’t do it.”

Evan burrowed his head into the crook of Connor’s neck, kissing his shoulder. “And we’ll do it anyways,” he murmured

Connor grinned devilishly. “I’m liking this sassy Evan Hansen,” he chuckled, lifting Evan’s chin up with his finger. 

Evan hummed happily, and reached up to press his lips against Connor’s. Connor kissed back gladly, and snaked a hand into Evan’s short hair, pulling him closer. Evan pushed Connor backwards, so that he was wedged into the corner of the couch, and kissed him again, basically climbing on top of him. Connor grabbed Evan’s hips, and deepened the kiss, biting down on his bottom lip. 

Evan could feel fire burning in the pit of his stomach, a fire he only ever got when he was with Connor. He grasped at the front of Connor’s shirt, and Connor pulled him tighter against his chest. Connor was warm, and he still had that faint scent of cinnamon around him, the same scent that Evan could smell when he first met him. He still tasted like strawberries, just like their first kiss, in the sunlight outside an ice cream shop. Back when they didn’t know anything about each other, back when they honestly had no idea what they were doing, back when-

“Okay, if you guys are gonna have sex, could you not do it on the couch?”

Evan scrambled off of Connor, and straightened his shirt hurriedly, feeling his face heat up. “Jared!” he screamed, seeing the brunet leaning against the wall with a glass of water in his hand. “What the hell?”

Jared smirked, and set his glass down on the coffee table, before making his way over to the couch and sitting in between the two boys. Connor flipped him off, but he just ignored him, and stretched his arms out. “Not my fault that I come out to get a drink and see two gays making out.”

Connor growled at him, at batted at his arm. “I swear Kleinman, if you don’t get out of my space, I’ll have no choice but to knock you into the next fucking century.” 

“That wasn’t even a good insult,” Jared yawned, before standing up abruptly. “Do you guys wanna play Monopoly?”

“With you? No.”

“C-Connor!”

“Just telling the truth.”

Jared laughed, and pulled out the board game from a closet in the corner of the room. “Didn’t think you would,” he grinned, throwing the top of the box across the room. “That’s why it was a rhetorical question.”

“You know this game ruins relationships?”

“Noted.”

“I’m i-in.”

“I’ll do it, but only so I can kick your asses.”

“Doubt that, Murphy.”

**********

“Fuck this!”

“That’s s-six hundred dollars you o-owe me now …”

Connor flipped the board over, and Jared fell to the ground laughing as paper bills floated into the air around them. “I  _ hate  _ this fucking game!” Evan shook his head, and a hundred dollar bill that was caught in his hair tickled his nose and dropped to the ground. 

“Maybe you sh-shouldn’t have landed on Boardwalk three different times.”

Connor tried to glare at Evan, but couldn’t help from smiling when Evan scrunched his nose up and gave him an innocent grin. “Maybe you shouldn’t have bought three houses to put  _ on  _ Boardwalk!” 

Jared threw a handful of game pieces at the two, and Connor screeched when one hit his eyebrow. “Wow, you were right, Monopoly really does ruin lives.”

“NO SHIT KLEINMAN!”

“CONNOR!”

“Sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> evan is the monopoly king, jared is really good at ruining romantic moments, and connor is a sore loser 
> 
> yeah, I actually had a plan to move along the plot line for this chapter, but dead girl walking has been stuck in my head for 36 hours now, and I really just wanted them to kiss again.
> 
> next chapter: they have dinner with larry, and it goes about as well as you'd expect
> 
> thank you for reading! if you'd like to drop a comment, that'd be amazing, because I am starved for attention!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dinner with larry...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops, this is a day late,,,,
> 
> warnings for a mention of suicide, and larry being a dick

**_Now playing: CANDY STORE from HEATHERS: THE MUSICAL_ **

When Connor had asked if Evan and Jared had wanted to come over before dinner to  “bitch about Larry because it’s no fun doing it by yourself,” Evan really hadn’t expected it to turn out as if they were a group of high school kids getting ready for the “biggest party of the year!” or whatever high schoolers do before they go out and get drunk on the weekends. Evan wouldn’t exactly know, because as a high schooler, he had mainly just hid out in his room and watched tree documentaries. 

But when Connor had plugged his phone into his speaker, that probably cost more than Evan’s apartment, and Candy Store had come on, Evan knew that that was the end of them listening to Connor bitch about how idiotic his father was. Jared had went through a Heathers phase for two months last year, and memorized every song, along with the entire script, and by association, Evan knew it too.

And now, he was watching Connor and Jared singing and dancing, with Connor sounding amazing, and Jared pretending that he could hit the harmonies, making his stomach hurt from laughing so hard.

“Come on, Hansen, you know this!” Jared laughed, and Evan shook his head, wildly grinning.

“Not happening, Jared.” 

Connor grabbed Evan’s hands, and yanked him to his feet, pulling them both off-balance. “If you know it, you’re doing it,” he said in a sing-song voice, before belting out the high note. Evan shook his head, but began to move his feet in time with the music, softly singing underneath his breath, and shrieking when Connor literally shoved Jared to the ground, and screamed in a high falsetto, “Shut up, Heather!”

The song ended with a bang, and the boys held their positions for no less than a half a second, before they heard cackling from the other side of the room. Evan swung around, and saw Alana and Zoe crying with laughter, the camera of Zoe’s phone pointed at them.

“That is going all over the internet,” she wheezed, pressing stop and typing something on the screen. “I can’t believe you have that song on your phone!”

“Zoe!” Connor screeched, making a grab for the phone, but Zoe just tossed it to Alana. “I swear to god, if you post that anywhere, I’m going to kill you!”

Zoe faltered, but only for a second, before the grin is spreading back across her face. “Too late,” Alana laughed, passing the device back to Zoe. “Are you guys ready to go?”

Connor nodded, and grabbed his coat. “Jared’s gonna take you two in his car, so you guys can make out in the backseat, ‘kay?”

Jared fake-gagged behind him, and Evan giggled.

**********

Connor pulled the car up in front of his old house, just sitting there, staring at the building, making no move to get out. Evan reached his hand over the console, and laced their fingers together.

“Um, it’s g-going to be fine?” Evan said, trying to comfort Connor. “I’m not r-really good at the whole ‘making people feel better’ thing.”

Connor laughed. “Neither am I.”

Evan tried to smile, and squeezed Connor’s hand. “J-Just letting you know, I’m probably going to freak o-out and cry or something.”

“I’m going to scream in Larry’s face.”

“This should be l-lovely.”

Connor snorted. “You think?”

Evan gave Connor a half-hearted chuckle. “C’mon, let’s just go in.”

Connor muttered something underneath his breath, and Evan could feel the knot that had been forming in the bottom of his stomach, grow. The five of them had already talked before they left, saying that Alana was going to explain the plan, since she was the best spoken out of all of them. Still, Evan was nervous. He knew that Larry didn’t like him, and he probably would like their idea even less. Evan followed Connor out of the car, and up the front steps, just like he had all those weeks ago. Connor slipped his arm around Evan’s waist and knocked sharply on the door. 

“W-Why don’t you just walk in?”

Connor looked over at Evan, confused. “Hm?”

“Well, uh, it’s your house? Can’t you just go inside?”

Connor turned his head away, and looked at the door. “Not really my house,” he said, biting his bottom lip.

Evan didn’t ask any more questions.

This time, it was Zoe who opened the door, with a nervous expression on her face. She didn’t say anything, just pursed her lips and walked deeper into the house. The grip on his waist tightened, and Evan walked in through the front hall, matching Connor’s steps.

They stepped into the living room, to see Jared and Alana sitting on the couch in complete silence, Zoe leaning up against the wall, and Larry in the middle of it, standing stick straight with his arms crossed. He turned towards the boys, and scowled when his eyes landed on Evan and Connor connected together at the hips. Evan can see Connor’s eyes burning, and he put his hand on the small of his back, attempting to get his to calm down.

Connor took a deep breath, and lifted his chin slightly. “Larry.”

“Connor.” Larry stares back with equal venom, and the room fell into a tense silence, the two men standing there staring at each other. For a moment, no one moves, and Evan could feel the electricity in the air, but not the good kind. More like the kind of electricity that would blow everything up, if it strikes something at the wrong moment.

“Oh! Hi, Connie, sweetie!” Cynthia bustled into the room at just the right moment, and everyone seemed to let out a breath of air. Connor furrowed his brow at the nickname, but offers his mother a small smile. “Um, dinner’s ready,” she said, before rushing back into the kitchen. Connor doesn't say anything, just turned and marched out into the dining room. Evan watched as Larry rolled his eyes, and followed his wife into the kitchen.

“Okay,” Zoe sighed, and blew a piece of hair out of her face. “Okay, just ignore basically everything he says and we’ll be fine.” Alana nodded in agreement, and her and Jared stood up simultaneously. Evan stayed rooted to the spot, feeling the knot pressing down on his lungs, making it hard to breathe. Zoe glanced over at him, and saw the anxious expression spreading across his face.

“Hey,” she said, placing her hand on his upper arm and guiding him towards the dining room. “Just breathe, okay? It’ll be over soon.”

Evan exhaled. “I’m g-going to say something stupid, I k-know it, and t-then I’m g-going to screw this up even more-”

Zoe laughed drily, and shook her head. “Evan, this is already going to be so bad, that it’s not going to matter what you say.” She led him into the dining room, and shoved him down into a fancy chair next to Connor, who has his head down on the table, taking a seat across from him. Alana sat down next to Zoe, and Jared hovered over a chair for a second, before sitting down on the other side of Evan.

Evan sucked a deep gulp of air into his lungs, and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. The dining room was huge, with an actual chandelier dangling from the ceiling, and expensive-looking paintings hanging from the wall. It was fancy, but the room felt cold, and Evan couldn’t picture a baby Connor and Zoe sitting around the table finger painting, or doing homework. He could remember the odd time his mother had been home for supper, and evenings then had always been warm, filled with tacos and nervous, but happy, laughter. But if Evan willing to bet money, he was guessing that no one had made Zoe and Connor cookies after a bad day, or laughed with them about a funny story that they had heard, or congratulated them when they got a good grade on a test. 

Cynthia walked into the room, with platters of food stacked up her arms, and Larry trailing slowly behind her. Evan could feel Connor tense beside him, and he reached underneath the table to put his hand on his thigh. The only indication that he got that Connor had felt him, was Connor’s hands, which were curled into fists, releasing slightly. 

“I made gluten-free lasagna!” Cynthia chirped brightly, passing the pan around. Evan could feel Larry’s eyes burning into the top of his head, and he shoveled a forkful of pasta into his mouth. His stomach twisted, and he fiddled with the buttons on his shirt. Everyone ate in silence while the minutes ticked by, the only noise in the room being the clattering of metal and Alana offering a compliment to Cynthia about the food, even though it tasted a bit like cardboard. 

“So,” Larry growled, making them all jump in their seats. “What’s this I hear about some sort of project?”

They all exchange glances, before Alana clears her throat and speaks up. “Well, Mr Murphy, we were all talking one night, at Evan and Jared’s house, and the topic of mental health somehow came up.” Larry stared at them, and looked as if he was about to say something, but Alana cut him off before he could open his mouth. “And we were thinking, there isn’t exactly a lot of things out there to help people with mental illnesses, and things like that, right? So, we decided that we were going to create a website, do benefit concerts, things like that, to help raise awareness, since Zoe and Connor have such a big influence on the media, and give people a safe place to open up and share their stories. The five of us could talk about our pasts, and-”

“No.”

Larry shut her down, without any emotion in his voice. The only thing that moved was his lips, spitting out the word, and then tightening into a thin, straight line. Alana didn’t look surprised, but she clenched one hand into a fist, and gave him a fake smile. “What do you mean, no?”

Larry rolled his eyes. “I am not letting my children put their names all over an idea as ridiculous as this, one that supports a cause that doesn’t even exist. They’re not going to “talk about their pasts,” and they’re not  _ raising money _ by playing music. I said no.”

The room seemed to be spinning on it’s axis, and Evan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew that Larry “didn’t believe” in mental health, but to go so far to say that it doesn’t exist, and that it’s  _ ridiculous, _ was absolutely insane.  He looked around in disbelief, just to make sure that he had heard correctly, and this wasn’t some sort of sick joke. Jared had a shocked expression written across his face, and Zoe looked pissed off, but Connor was  _ furious. _ There was a fire in his eyes that Evan had never seen before, and it was honestly kind of frightening. His hands were clutched around his utensils so tight that his knuckles were turning white, and Evan reached out to take them, but Connor just slammed his fists down on the table and Evan had to snatch his hand back in order to not get stabbed.

“Larry fucking Murphy you do not get to decide this for us, I swear-”

“I am your  _ father _ -”

“No! No you’re really not!” Connor screamed. He was standing up now, and his face was turning red with anger. “You never did anything for us, and you don’t get to just say no!”

“Never did anything for you? Connor Murphy, are you even listening to yourself?”

“Fuck you, Larry! When I was sick, you never did  _ shit _ , just tried to cover up that you had a  _ messed up son _ who needed to go to therapy every day so he wouldn’t try to fucking kill himself!”

Evan could feel his heart slamming against his ribcage, and his face was pale. His hands were shaking like crazy, and his palms were sweaty, soaking onto his khakis when her tried to wipe them off. Connor had never gotten this mad in front of him, and Evan had no idea what to say to make him  _ stop. _

_ ‘You can’t do anything, Evan. Unless you have a time machine to go back to when you suggested this thing, or even better, go back to when you first met Connor, so that his life wouldn’t have become ten times worse with you in it.’ _

“Larry, honey, maybe we should-”

“Cynthia, no. They can’t just think they can do whatever they want, and run off to go play games with random people that they just met up with a month ago-”

“PLAY GAMES!?”

“DO WHATEVER WE WANT?!” Zoe had joined in, and was standing next to her brother. “Dad, you need to stop! We’re doing this, whether you like it or not!”

Larry turned toward Evan, and Evan shrank back in his seat, wilting under Larry’s gaze. “Is this your fault?! Connor never wanted to do  _ anything _ before he met you, did you come up with this, this  _ project _ ?”

“Don’t you dare blame this on him!” Connor shouted, standing in front of a shaking Evan. “Just because you’re a fucking terrible father-”

“Get out.”

“I’m-”

“I said get out. All of you.” Larry glared at them, and Connor flipped him off, storming out of the room. Evan jumped up, wincing as his chair squeaked against the floor, and ran after Connor.

“C-C-Connor! W-Wait!” Evan rushed out to the car, where Connor was jamming the keys into the ignition with such force, that Evan was terrified that they were going to break and leave them stranded here. He could hear yelling from inside the house, but the engine roared to life, and Connor stomped on the gas pedal, leaving Evan scrambling to put on his seatbelt.

“C-Connor, uh, maybe, m-maybe w-w-we should slow, slow d-down-”

“Shut up! Just… shut up for a minute okay?” Evan jerked his arm back at the harshness in his tone, from where he was going to touch Connor’s arm. “Fuck, what is  _ wrong  _ with him?” 

Evan didn’t think that this was a question that exactly required an answer, so he stayed quiet, and let anxiety gnaw at the inside of his stomach, until he couldn’t take it anymore. “Are y-you o-o-okay?”

Connor slammed his hand against the wheel, making the car swerve to the left, and Evan grabbed onto his seat, trying not to be sick. “Do I  _ look _ like I’m fucking okay?” Connor hissed, straightening the car. Evan crossed his arms over his chest, and tried to choke back the lump that was forming in his throat. 

They pulled up in front of Evan’s apartment, and Evan unlocked the door as fast as he possibly could. “I’ll, uh, see you soon?” Connor grumbled, a sad note in his voice, as if he was trying to apologize for basically screaming in Evan’s face.

Evan didn’t reply, and slammed the door shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh connor
> 
> and yes, I made them do candy store, because lets face it, we would all love to see ben platt, mike faist and will roland do that, am I right?
> 
> okay, so I'm not going to be able to update until Tuesday, because I have relatives staying at my house, and i'm being forced to socialize! but I just posted a new treebros oneshot, and if you wanted to check that out, that'd be amazing!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and thanks for all your comments and kudos, I scream at each one! <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys talk, and they have their first official meeting of the project

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, I miss updates and come back with a shitty filler chapter, ahhhh, I'm sorry:(
> 
> but here you go, hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> warnings for mentions of suicide and one mention of drugs

**_You have three new messages from: Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3: ** im sorry ev

**Connor <3: ** are you ok?

**Connor <3: ** ev, please just tell me you’re okay. im worried about you

**********

Evan was mad. And anxious. Which, for him, was not the best combination.

One minute, he was pissed that Connor had just shut him down like he was some sort of child that he didn’t want to deal with, and the next, he was worried that he shouldn’t of slammed the door on Connor, and that now Connor might never want to talk to him again, and  _ ohmygodwhatifConnorhateshim- _

He really didn’t know what to do, except for run into his bedroom and lock the door. Ignoring the dings coming from his phone, ignoring Jared’s knocks and questions coming through the wall, he curled up in his bed, not even bothering to change his clothes. Light rain was tapping on his window, and he could feel thin streams of tears running down his face, which was strange. Why was Evan crying, when he’s the one who should be mad, he’s the one who should be making  _ Connor  _ cry, making Connor apologize for yelling at him. Why was he acting like this, with thousands of emotions flying around in his stomach, so many that he couldn’t even place a single one.

Evan realized how stupid he was sounding, and pulled his covers over his head, burying himself from the outside world.

**********

**_You have 8 new messages from: Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3: ** i know i screwed up, i shouldn’t have snapped at you, im really sorry

**Connor <3: ** jared says you won’t come out of your room?

**Connor <3: ** he says you won’t unlock the door and ur not making any noise? are you okay?

**Connor <3: ** he’s going to bed, he says youre prob asleep

**Connor <3: ** please be ok

**Connor <3: ** ev?

**Connor <3: ** if you don’t answer in the next ten minutes, im coming over

**Connor <3: ** its been ten mins, im omw

**********

Evan was awoken by a loud banging coming from somewhere outside the apartment, and a frantic voice yelling words he couldn’t pick out in his half-asleep state. Rolling over onto his side, he squinted and checked the time on his phone, seeing that it was half past two. Then, he saw the missed texts from Connor, and, eyes widening, he scrambled out of bed towards the door, that sounded like it was about to get broken down.

He yanked the door open, and looked at Connor standing in the threshold, hand poised to knock right on Evan’s face. Letting out a little squeak, Connor dropped his arm, and pulled Evan into a hug.

“Jesus Christ, Evan, you scared the shit out of me,” Connor breathed into Evan’s hair. “I thought you had… well, you always answer right away, and after um, after what just happened… I… I just got worried.” Connor trailed off, and Evan stood there silently, his arms held stiffly at his sides. Connor pulled back, and the blond stared at his shoes, refusing to meet the other’s eyes.

Connor scratched the back of his neck. “Can I come in?”

Evan stepped back slightly, allowing Connor to move past, and closed the door behind him. The taller man shifted his weight from one foot to another, and hesitated, before shoving a blue package at Evan that he hadn’t noticed.

“Um, I brought you Oreos?”

Evan stared down at the pack of cookies, and said flatly, “You c-came over here to m-make sure I wasn’t d-dead, and you brought m-me  _ Oreos? _ ”

“Yes?” Connor flinched. “I wanted to say sorry, too, and Oreos seemed like a good idea at the time? But now I’m thinking that they might be kinda stupid.”

Evan snorted. “You think?”

Connor attempted a small chuckle, but his face immediately sunk back into a somber expression. “I’m really, really sorry about yelling at you. I probably should’ve warned you a bit better beforehand about that.”

Evan led him over to the couch, and sat down, still keeping a little bit of space between them. “Yeah, I g-guess,” he whispered, staring down at his hands. “I j-just, don’t like p-people yelling? At all? Like it ma-makes me really anxious?” Evan let out a tiny chuckle, even though there was nothing remotely funny about the situation. “And then, my t-thoughts kind of go insane, and I can’t decide whether to be mad, or scared, or  _ what,  _ and then I just get so confused and I start crying-”

“Did I make you cry?” Connor was talking quietly now, running his knuckles over a spot on his collarbone. The room was silent, and Evan could hear Jared’s soft snores coming from his room, still fast asleep. 

Evan paused for a moment, before nodding his head quickly. Connor blinked once, and his eyes looked wet.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, closing the space between them and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. They sat like that for a few minutes, just holding onto each other and listening to the rise and fall of the other’s chest, grasping onto the fact that they were both still breathing.

“Do you w-want to stay tonight?” Evan mumbled, scared of disrupting the comfortable silence. Connor just hummed in agreement, and maneuvered the two of them so they were lying down, pressed against each other.

“You do k-know I have a b-bed, right?”

“Too far.”

“Literally two steps away.”

“Too far.”

Evan giggled, the first truly happy noise he had made since before the dinner, and Connor ran his fingertips through the ends of his short hair repeatedly. It was quiet, and Evan could feel his eyelids drooping, lulling him into sleep.

“Evan?” 

“Hm?”

“I’m really sorry.”

Evan flipped over so his cheek was squished against Connor’s chest. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s really not,” Connor sighed. “And the thing is, I can’t promise I’m not going to make you cry again. Fuck, that sounds terrible. Okay, what I’m trying to say is, sometimes I snap, and yell, and, I don’t know, but like, I can’t exactly help it-”

“I know.”

“And I’m trying, I really am, but sometimes I just spiral out of  _ control.  _ It’s like, I can hear myself talking, but I can’t stop from saying stuff I don’t mean-”

“I get it.” Evan nuzzled his head deeper into Connor’s chest and sighed. “I can’t p-promise I’m not go-going to break d-down at the  _ stupidest  _ thing, or cry at things t-that really don’t need to be c-cried about.”

Connor let out a breathy laugh that wasn’t really a laugh, more like a release of the air that was building up in his lungs. “It fucking sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Y-Yeah.” Evan grabbed Connor’s hand, and started picking at his black nail polish, that was now chipped and needed to be repainted. “Also, I’m r-really sorry for slamming the door in your f-face.”

The brunet rolled his eyes. “I deserved it, I was being a bitch.”

“Kinda.” Evan bit the inside of his cheek. “But, if y-you, if you ever w-wanna talk, I’m here.”

“Ditto.”

“No one says ‘ditto’ anymore.”

“I just did.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “You can be really a-annoying, you know?”

Connor laughed. “Yeah, but you love me.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

**********

**_Group message to: Zoe, Alana, Living Meme, Connor <3 and Me_ **

**Zoe:** we’re meeting on Tuesday evening to discuss this project thing, because i don't give a fuck what larry says, and we need a name

**Me:** I can’t…

**Living Meme:** me and ev have to work tues evening

**Zoe:** thursday then? at mine and alana’s?

**Me:** That works!

**Living Meme:** sure

**Connor <3: ** depends

**Zoe:** shut up connor 

**Connor <3: ** ;)

**Alana:** Please, never use that face again.

**Connor <3: ** ;););););)

**********

Evan knocked lightly on the door, jumping back when he heard screaming coming from the other side. 

“GET THE DOOR, ZOE!”

“CONNOR, HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND!”

“THAT COULD BE KLEINMAN, AND I’M NOT INTERACTING WITH HIM ANYMORE THAN I HAVE TO!”

“Be nice.”

“GET THE GODDAMN DOOR, CONNOR!”

Pounding footsteps stomped towards the hallway, and the door opened a sliver, so that Evan could see Connor’s brown-and-blue eye peeking out. He let out a little giggle, and curled his fingers into a wave. Connor let out a relieved sigh, throwing the door open with a bang, and grabbed Evan’s arm, pulling him inside.

“Do you know how long I’ve had to watch the two of them make out on the couch?” Connor laughed, walking into Zoe’s living room. Evan slid down onto the couch, chuckling. Alana and Zoe were tangled in each other's arms, grinning madly at the two from the loveseat across the room.

“What time is Jared going to be here?” Alana asked, unwinding herself from Zoe, and reaching out for a sleek, silver laptop sitting on the coffee table.

“Um, a-any minute actually?” Evan said. He glanced up at the fancy clock on the cream-coloured wall, that had little swirls of gold engraved in the mahogany wood. “He just h-had to grab his co-computer from the apartment, and then he s-said he’d be over.”

“Great,” Alana said absentmindedly, tapping on the keyboard of her laptop, before switching it around and balancing on Evan’s knees. “What do you think about this for a template? Jared sent it to me yesterday.”

Evan scanned the screen, and saw that it was the outline for the front page of a website, one with inspiring quotes splattered across the screen, and a big white space in the middle for the logo that they still hadn’t come up with. It had headlines across the top in black and blue writing, categories for different types of mental illnesses that held links for all sorts of information about the topic, along with something called “Chat Room,” and a list of suicide prevention hotlines. 

“T-That’s really good,” Evan smiled, tilting the screen towards Connor, who was peering over his shoulder. 

Alana beamed. “Isn’t it? I have no idea how Jared managed to pull this off in under a week, but now, all we have to do is come up with a name, and we’ll-”

She was cut off by the slamming of the door, and heavy footsteps coming from the front hall. Jared poked his head in, and grinned when he saw the four of them looking at the website. “I know, I know, my computer skills are fabulous, no need to thank me.” He sighed dramatically as a greeting, and ignored Zoe’s glare when he flopped down on the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

“Yes, you’re amazing, but I’m serious, if we don’t come up with something to call this thing, your computer skills won’t mean shit.” Alana rolled her eyes and leaned back on the heels of her hands. 

“What about, ‘Alana Beck For President 2k17?”

“Jared Kleinman Sucks?”

“Anybody Have A Fucking Map?”

“Y-You Will Be Found?”

Four sets of eyes turned on Evan, and he shrunk back against the couch. “W-What?”

“Evan, that’s perfect!” Alana cried, grabbing her laptop and furiously typing something in. “Why couldn’t you have come up with that like two weeks ago?” She muttered the last part to herself, not even looking up.

“I like that,” Connor agreed, scooting closer to Evan, and wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Me too.” 

“I’m still saying mine was better, but that works too.” 

Evan blinked in surprise. When he had said that, he didn’t actually expect for anyone to _ like _ it, just laugh like they had with the other ones. Alana slammed her laptop shut, and grinned up at the rest of them. “Jared, do you think you could come up with some kind of logo by Saturday?”

Jared nodded, and linked his fingers behind his head. “Why Saturday?”

“We’re launching the website in the morning, because Connor and Evan have an interview that night,” she stated matter-of-factly, unaware of the fact that the bottom just dropped out of Evan’s stomach, leaving him with a sick, light-headed feeling.

“Excuse me?” Connor said in disbelief, raising his eyebrows. “Did you just say that  _ we _ had to do an interview?”

“Yes.”

“About  _ what? _ ”

“Oh, just about the project, things like that.” Alana said. She paused for moment, scratching behind her ear. “They’ll probably ask you about your relationship too.”

“T-That really isn’t the best i-idea, I mean, shouldn’t Zoe or you d-do it?” Evan’s fingers started to fly to the edge of his shirt, but were caught by Connor, who squeezed his hand gently.

“Yeah, I thought about that,” Alana explained. “But you guys were really the ones who came up with the whole concept, and plus, I’m not dating Connor, and no one’s seen you yet, Evan. You haven’t done any interviews, and all you have to do is answer a few questions and smile. Connor’s going to be with you the entire time.”

“This is the guy who threw a jug of water over the interviewer after he asked him if he’s ever smoked pot,” Zoe said, gesturing towards a nodding Connor. “He probably isn’t the most sane person to be with on set.” 

Alana rolled her eyes, and handed them a sheet of notebook paper each, crammed with tiny writing in bullet points. “These are the things that’ll come up in the interview, just answer them, and you’ll be fine.” Evan’s eyes ran over the paper, that had little things like “talk about the benefit concert” and “make sure to mention the link to the website.’ He could feel Connor tensing beside him, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “Please? It’s only one interview, and I really don’t feel like calling and cancelling.” She looked at them with big, brown, doe eyes, and Evan felt terrible, because it probably wasn’t easy to get them an interview on such short notice, and he was ruining everything with his inability to talk in public. As usual.

“Y-Yes! Uh, I mean, y-yes, we’ll do it!” Evan blurted, and Connor turned to him with a worried look in his eyes.

“Are you sure?” he asked, lowering his voice. “If you don’t want to do it, just tell me, and I’ll-”

Evan put his hand on Connor’s shoulder, and smiled up at him. “It’ll be fine.” 

He didn’t believe that for a second.

Alana clapped her hands together, and smiled brightly. “Perfect! Now, we have to discuss a few more things…” She kept talking, going through links, and website colours, and ideas for logos that were all blurring in Evan’s mind, and he cuddled into Connor’s side. Connor massaged his fingers into Evan’s shoulders, and Evan sighed , trying to ignore the fact that, in two days, he was going to have to go on live television, where everyone will make fun of his stutter, and how there’s no way that anyone could ever love anyone as pathetic as him.

**********

“Seriously, Ev, if you don’t want to do it, I’ll burn down the building or something, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Connor was speaking in a hushed tone, trying to not be overheard by Jared, Zoe and Alana, who were standing in the kitchen, shrieking and throwing ice cubes at each other. Evan didn’t really know what they were trying to accomplish, because, from what he could tell, all they were doing was making a mess.

“No, really, I’ll be f-fine,” Evan stuttered. “It’s just a s-stupid interview, ri-right?”

Connor looked worried, but he pulled Evan into a hug, and rested his chin on Evan’s hair. “Okay, but if you don’t want to, text me and we don’t have to do it.” Evan nodded, and breathed into Connor’s sweater, the sweater that Evan thought he just never washed up until a few days ago, when he found out that he had seven copies of the same one, one for every day of the week.

“Hey Hansen, you ready to go?” Jared grumbled, walking into the room, face and hair dripping wet. The other two girls entered behind him, looking significantly less messy and a lot happier. Evan bobbed his head, and pulled away from Connor, after kissing him on the lips.

“See ya,” he murmured, walking towards the door, where Jared was giving him an evil smirk. 

Connor smiled. “See ya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor would totally burn down a building if it meant that evan didn't have to do something he didn't want to
> 
> next chapter: the interview!!!
> 
> okay, so how would you feel if I wrote a oneshot on how zoe and Alana met, because I lovelovelove galaxy gals! would anyone read it, idk?
> 
> thank you so much for reading, I thrive off of your comments and kudos!! <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the interview!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, this is late, but for some reason, this was the hardest chapter to write, and I had a really bad headache, so I couldn't write. either way, hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> warning for a panic attack

_ Today’s Headline News: Tune in tonight to ‘The Late Night Show,’ to see Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen talk about their new project, ‘You Will Be Found.’ Link to website below. _

Evan peered out the window, and checked his watch for the seventh time in the past five minutes. He had been ready for over an hour, and even though Connor was only two minutes late, Evan was internally freaking out. He tapped his foot on the shiny lobby floor uncontrollably, trying to ignore the weird stares he was getting.

**_Ding!_ **

Evan snatched his phone out of his pocket, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was Connor saying that they’d be there in a moment. Leaning back against the wall, Evan slipped his phone into his jacket, the black jacket that Jared had basically forced him into, saying that he couldn’t wear a polo shirt in front of millions of people.

That sentence didn’t exactly calm Evan’s anxiety.

A long black car pulled up outside the building, and he could see Connor’s fluffy brown hair through the tinted windows. He stumbled out the doors, and a wave of cool evening hit his face as he walked towards the car. 

“Hey,” Connor smiled, while Evan slipped into the huge backseat next to him, with Alana sitting across from them in the huge backseat.

Evan tried to grin, but never said anything back, because he was scared that if he opened his mouth, he would throw up from all the nerves that had been building up in his stomach from the past few days. 

“Hi, Evan!” Alana chirped, rustling through papers that she had spread across the seat. “How’re you?”

“O-Okay,” Evan managed to choke out, fingers tapping against his leg. Alana barely gave him a second glance, and launched into an explanation of what they had to do when they arrived at the studio. Connor seemed to be following along, and Evan figured that he could just tell him what to do, so he stared out at the blurring streets and winced at the burning feeling that was welling up in the bottom of his stomach.

**********

Muffled screams and shouts bounced around in Evan’s skull as the car pulled up in front of the studio where they’d be filming the interview, and Evan could see mobs of people lining the sidewalks with phones and signs, held back by security. Breathing suddenly became harder, and Evan blindly reached over to grasp Connor’s hand. Connor clutched at Evan’s fingers, and the door was opened by the chauffeur for them to climb out.

When the crowd caught sight of the three of them, the yelling intensified, making Evan tuck his chin down. Alana was waving at everyone, beaming, and Connor was offering the hordes of people a small smile.

Evan couldn’t force himself to look up.

They pushed through the mass, and made it inside the studio, greeted by a warm rush of air and an empty, fancy lobby with high ceilings and colourful paintings. Connor ran a hand through his wind-swept hair, and Evan straightened his jacket around him. 

“I’m going to go make sure that they know you’re here,” Alana smiled, rubbing at a spot on her glasses, before shoving them back onto her face. “Connor, do you know where to go?” Connor nodded, and Alana dashed down a hallway to their left, heels clicking against the hardwood floor. 

“Alana basically organizes everything we do,” the brunet said, explaining her presence. He glanced at her retreating form and shoved his hands into his pockets. They walked down a hallway in a different direction, and gave their names to a bored-looking security guard, who pointed them towards a room that had a sign with their names pinned on it.

Evan stepped into the room that was filled with fluffy couches, bright mirrors, and a table full of different kinds of makeup. He looked around in awe, but Connor just flopped onto the couch, shoving his head into a pillow, groaning.

“You’re g-going to ruin your s-shirt,” Evan stuttered, grabbing Connor’s wrist and pulling him upwards, smoothing out the wrinkles in his dark purple button down. Connor just rolled his eyes.

“I honestly don’t give a fuck about my shirt,” he grumbled, but stood up nonetheless. Connor made his way over towards the table filled with makeup, and picked up a light foundation that matched Evan’s skin tone. He stared down at it for a few moments, before uncapping the bottle and squirting some onto his fingertips.

“Connor, wh-what are you-”

“Shh,” Connor said, moving closer, and spreading the foundation over Evan’s face, ignoring his squeaks of protest. “You need makeup, or else you won’t be able to see you onscreen.”

“That’d be o-okay.”

Connor picked up some light powder that Evan didn’t know the name of, and dusted it on his cheeks. “No, it wouldn’t be okay, because you’re cute.”

Evan glowed red, and closed his eyes so that Connor could smear a soft gray eyeliner across his eyelids. “You’re impossible.”

Connor poked him with the eyeliner.

After a few more minutes of Connor finishing up Evan’s makeup, and his own, they sat down, and waited for someone to come in and bring them out to set. Evan could feel his hands starting to get sweaty, and he debated going to the bathroom to dry them off, but what if they didn’t have any paper towels, and he’d have to dry them underneath the hand dryer, and then they’d just be sweaty and  _ warm _ , which is even grosser, and-

“...Ev? You okay?”

Evan was broken out of his spiraling thoughts by Connor’s concerned voice. He shook his head, trying to clear his brain, and bit his lip. “Yeah, I’m, I’m totally f-fine, just perfect, I’m g-great.”

Connor tilted his head. “Okay, you’re definitely not fine.”

Evan snorted. “T-True, but I will be. E-Eventually.” 

“ _ Evan _ -tually.”

“That’s the worst pun I’ve e-ever heard, and I live with J-Jared.”

The taller man threw his head back and laughed. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Yes it w-was.”

The room fell back into comfortable silence, and Evan tried to focus on his breathing, deep gulps of air being pushed in and out of his lungs. Connor was picking at the skin around his fingers, turning his cuticles red, and Evan really wanted to tell him to stop, but the words got stuck in his throat, and he ended up just making choking noises, waving it off when Connor raised his eyebrows.

A sharp knock sounded at the door, and a woman with her red hair pulled up into an impossibly tight bun stuck her head in. “You’re on in five,” she snapped, turning on her heel, and strutted away, leaving them to chase her down the hallway towards a dark room with a red light hanging above a door on the other side of the room. 

“When the light turns green, walk through those doors,” she said briskly, before slamming the door shut leaving the pair alone, with only the glow of the light.

They stood there in silence, and as the minutes ticked by, Evan could feel his legs getting shakier and his stomach twisting. Any normal person would at least be a little nervous to be going on national TV. But for Evan, having millions of people’s eyes on him was probably up there on his “Worst Things Ever” list, coming only behind being abandoned by everyone he’s ever cared about, and snakes. Which was kind of a weird order, but snakes are really, really scary. 

Evan started to yank at the hem of his shirt subconsciously, and tried to take deep breaths. Connor glanced over and grabbed his fingers, rubbing little circles onto the back of his hand. “If you don’t want to answer anything, just squeeze my hand, and I’ll change the subject or something,” Connor said softly, and listened as some sort of theme song played outside. Evan just nodded, and removed his hands from the fabric. The light switched to green, and they pushed open the door to cheers and shouts.

A live studio audience sat in seats, and it felt like there was thousands of people there, all yelling at the two of them. Evan rearranged his face into something resembling a smile, and sat down on a fancy couch next to the interviewer. On the screen behind them, the band’s name filled the space, before fading out into the ‘You Will Be Found’ logo, which was words stacked on top of each other, colors ranging from light blue, to navy, to black. Evan had to admit that Jared had done a really good job, considering he only had 36 hours to finish it.

“And here we have Connor Murphy, from the band ‘For Forever’ and his boyfriend, Evan Hansen!” The interviewer was a man wearing a dark green tuxedo, and his black hair was slicked back. “So, Connor, you’re a part of ‘For Forever’ and this is your boyfriend, correct?”

Connor rolled his eyes at the man. “No shit.”

The crowd seemed to find that funny. The interviewer did not.

He frowned, slightly before plastering a bright smile back onto his lips. “Okay! So, Connor, how did the two of you meet?”

Connor and Evan exchanged glances. “Well, uh, we met at one of my concerts, and it just kind of clicked?” Evan nodded in agreement, keeping his lips smashed together.

“Isn’t that  _ sweet,”  _ the man purred, leaning back in his chair. “Evan, what were your first thoughts when you met Connor?”

The blond tensed up. He really didn’t feel like explaining how he had been having a panic attack on the floor of the bathroom the first time they had met, and his first thought had been worrying about the tears on his face. “Um, w-well, I just thought he was, was r-really nice? And pretty. De-Definitely pretty.” Evan’s face lit up, and Connor laughed.

The interviewer backed off Evan for a few minutes, questioning Connor about his latest songs, and the band. Evan let out a breath of air that he hadn’t realized he had been holding, and Connor squeezed his hand reassuringly. He let himself zone out. This wasn’t so bad. As long as Connor did most of the talking, and Evan just smiled, he could get away with not saying much. 

“...Evan? Hello?”

Evan flinched, and titters rippled through the audience. His heart skipped a beat, and he began to shake. The room began to blur, and Evan felt as if he was underwater, unable to breath or say anything. The only thing he could feel was Connor’s hand in his, and he squeezed it tight, hoping that Connor understood what he meant.

Low voices whispered in his ears, and he squeezed his eyes shut, blinking back tears. The words ‘is he okay?’ and ‘commercial break’ floated around in his head. 

“And when we come back, we’ll hear more about their new project, ‘You Will Be Found!’ Stay tuned!” The interviewer’s voice jumped out at him, and the lights on all of the cameras switched to off. There was a hand on Evan’s cheek, and he forced himself to look up at Connor who was watching him. “Can you hear me?” Connor asked quietly, moving so that Evan was blocked from the audience, because if there was anything worse than having a panic attack, it was having a panic attack in front of an audience. People ran onto the set, waving around water bottles and makeup brushes, but Connor didn’t break eye contact with Evan, even when a man brushed some shimmery powder onto his cheekbones.

Evan nodded a little. “Y-Y-Yes,” he gasped.

“You don’t have to finish this if you don’t want to,” Connor whispered, tucking a piece of blond hair behind his ear. 

Evan was really tempted to get up and walk away, not looking back, but he knew that Connor hated interviews just as much as he did, even if he didn’t show it, and he really didn’t want to leave him alone. “N-No, I can do it, it’s, it’s f-fine.”

“Evan-”

“Really. I-I’m good.” Evan tried to smile up at Connor, but Connor just moved closer. 

“Are you sure?”

“Y-Yes.”

A loud voice broke through their conversation, and started counting down the seconds until they were back on the air. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt as the blinding lights flashed, and the interviewer gave a blinding smile to the camera. “And we’re back! So, earlier today, a new website was launched, by Connor and Zoe Murphy, Alana Beck, Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman, called ‘You Will Be Found.’ Can you two tell us a bit about this website?”

Feeling as if he had to redeem himself from earlier, Evan took a deep breath and jumped in. “Um, well, ‘You Will Be F-Found’ is a project that we c-came up with, for people, people who uh, feel alone sometimes? It’s a s-safe place for people to d-discuss mental illness, and talk about their problems without feeling scared, and to remind you, that you are not alone, and uh, yeah...” Evan finished lamely, and cleared his throat. 

“Also, we’re going to be holding a benefit concert sometime next winter, to raise money to go towards suicide awareness,” Connor supplied, brushing a piece of hair out of his eyes, and  Evan looked up at him gratefully.

“Who’s idea was this?” the interviewer questioned, tilting his head to the side. 

“It was really Ev’s idea to do something to raise awareness, and Alana came up with the website and concert.”

“Well, we all wish you best of luck!” he gushed, and smiled towards the crowd. “Thank you to everyone for watching tonight, and go check out the ‘You Will Be Found’ website!” The crowd cheered, the same theme song playing from before, and the lights shut off. Evan breathed a sigh of relief, and Connor pulled him into a hug.

“How was that?” Connor mumbled into Evan’s shoulder.

“T-Terrible.” Connor laughed and pulled away, keeping one arm wrapped around Evan’s waist. 

“You guys, that was great!” Alana smiled, running over to the two of them from her spot standing next to a bunch of people with clipboards standing behind the cameras. 

Evan rolled his eyes, and forced his feet to move with Connor’s, making their way out of the studio and out the back exit towards their car. “I s-sounded like an idiot on national tv, I’d s-say that went, went pretty b-bad.”

“I’ve seen way worse,” Alana grinned, climbing into the car. “Zoe once laughed so hard at banquet, that she spit water all over some important politician.”

Evan laughed.

The car ride back was filled with Alana’s stories of how Connor and Zoe had messed up at past social events, and Connor getting progressively more annoyed. By the time they pulled up in front of Evan’s apartment, he was ready to throw her out the window, after hearing the story about getting his hair stuck in a door, and they literally had to cut him out of it.

Connor pushed Evan out of the car, and walked up with him towards the doors. He scratched his cheek, and pursed his lips, before grinning down at Evan. “Tonight sucked.”

“Yeah, it k-kinda did,” Evan snickered. 

“Maybe we can do something this week? Get lunch or something, like normal people?”   
  


Evan encircled his arms around Connor’s stomach, and buried his face into his shoulder. “Sounds g-good.”

Connor pressed a kiss to his hair. “Text you later?” Evan nodded, and watched as Connor strided to the car, turning around to wave at him. Evan smiled, and waved back, before swinging around and walking into the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana is a mom friend, 100%
> 
> also, the boys in m a k e u p
> 
> next chapter: matt returns...
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and if you want, leave a comment because they're the things that actually motivate me to write!!! <33


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has a lot of emotions in a short period of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, the wifi on my computer decided to completely shut down on me, and i'm posting this on my phone, so if the formatting is off, that's why!!
> 
> this is pretty bad, but i wanted to get something out so that i could get back on my regular posting schedule so,,, yay?
> 
> i'm not sure if this warrants a trigger warning, but there's a bit of an uncomfortable situation with Evan and Matt, so stay safe, and I love you all<3

_**Incoming call from: Mom** _

“H-Hi?” Evan pulled a shirt over his head as he picked up his phone, checking the caller ID three times before answering.

“Hello, sweetie! I saw you on TV the other day, I’m so proud of you!” Heidi’s voice rang into his ear, and Evan resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he adjusted his collar. Despite how much he loved his mom, the interview had been two days ago, and it was only now that she was bothering to call him?

“Yeah, yeah, t-thanks, Mom,” Evan grumbled, and he could practically hear Heidi’s face fall through the phone.

“Oh… So how’s Jared, honey?” Evan internally berated himself, because now his mother just sounded sad, and it was all Evan’s fault, it’s all his fault, it’s always his fault-

“Evan?”

“Um, he’s f-fine,” Evan blurted, shaking his head and moving towards the kitchen, where Jared was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms with only the marshmallows, because he thought the actual cereal tasted like cardboard. Evan just thought that he skipped health class in high school.

“Are you alright, baby? You sound distracted.” Evan grabbed an apple from a bowl on the counter and sat next to Jared, ignoring his look of disgust towards the apple. “No, I’m good,” he mumbled, tugging at his shirt. “But I h-have class in a, in a little w-while, so can I call you later?”

“Of course!” Heidi chirped, but Evan could sense the masked disappointment in her voice, and a knot formed in stomach. “Love you, Ev!”

“L-Love you too, Mom.”

Evan hung up the phone, and sighed. The past two days had sucked, mostly due to the fact that millions of people had saw the interview, and stalked all of his social media, commenting on every photo, so much that he had to turn off his notifications and block quite a few people. And now, he has to go back to school, and deal with all the stares that had almost faded away, but were surely about to come back from the fact that yesterday, their faces had been plastered across every news outlet there was.

**_Ding!_ **

**_You have one new message from: Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3:** want to get together after ur morning classes? I know a place

**Me:** Sure! 12:30 good?

**Connor <3:** yup<3

Jared threw his spoon at the sink, barely missing Evan’s head. “Ready to go?” he chuckled, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Evan wrinkled his nose and nodded, following Jared out of the door and down to the car.

“You want to hang out after school tonight?” asked Jared, jamming his keys into the ignition. “I can pick you up after class, and we can go see that new superhero movie that just came out?”

“Y-Yeah, sure,” Evan said absentmindedly, staring out the window and tapping his fingers against his leg, not really paying attention to what he had just said.

**********

Evan’s pencil flew across his paper, trying to jot down everything the teacher was saying before the bell rang. He could feel eyes burning into his back, and he hunched even farther over his desk, head tilted down.

People had been staring at him all day. Evan wasn’t stupid. He could hear their whispers, see their hands. Calling him ‘that kid who had a panic attack of TV.’

He ignored it as best as he could.

The annoying beeping noise echoed through the room, signaling the end of class, and Evan slammed his books shut, cramming them into his bag, without making eye contact with anyone. People were talking and laughing all around him, but Evan just fiddled with the edge of his shirt, and stood up, starting towards the door.

“Hey, Hansen! Wait up!”

Evan froze, and turned slowly around, because that was the voice that haunted his nightmares. He peered up, and a shudder ran down his spine as eyes burned into him, eyes that he had been trying to avoid for months.

“I saw you on TV,” Matt smirked, leaning back against the nearest desk. His tank top was red today, even though it was October, and most people by now were wearing sweaters and drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

“Oh, uh, t-that’s cool?” Evan stuttered, and his eyes darted towards the door, debating if he could make a run for it. The classroom was slowly emptying, and Evan really didn’t want to be alone with Matt.

Matt reached out, and wrapped his fingers around Evan’s forearm, making his stomach lurch. _Get your hands off of me, don’t touch me, don’ttouchme-_

“What happened to you? You like, totally blanked out and wouldn’t answer anyone’s questions,” Matt chuckled, but it wasn’t a happy laugh. It was more like a ‘ha ha, let’s make fun of the poor kid who can’t talk in front of people, isn’t that _funny_?’

“Um, n-n-nothing, I just f-freaked, freaked out a little I-I guess?” Evan’s body tensed, and he took a step away, wrenching his arm from Matt’s grasp. “I s-should g-go, um, see y-you another, another t-time, bye.” Evan’s voice came out high-pitched and squeaky, and he grabbed all his stuff, backing out of the room as quickly as he could.

“See ya, Evan,” Matt said, a lilt to his voice.

Evan turned, and bolted out of the room.

**********

Soft jazz music played over the cafe’s speakers, and Evan fidgeted with the crust of his sandwich, refusing to look up at Connor, instead choosing to gaze at the brown tabletop. He had barely said three words to his boyfriend, letting Connor talk about whatever had happened earlier that day with Zoe, Alana and a spilled bottle of nail polish all over his couch. Evan wasn’t really listening.

The cafe that Connor had took him to was definitely not a “Connor place.” It was quiet, and was painted in all pastel colours, and it looked like the kind of restaurant that people went on their lunch break to drink tea and chat about work. But Connor had said that he knew the owner, and no one would bother them there, so Evan didn’t question it. Not that he normally would’ve.

“You okay, Ev?”

Evan startled, and smoothed out his shirt, letting out a nervous laugh. “Of c-course I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be, e-everything is perfect, I’m g-great, how are you?”

Connor frowned. “What happened? Did someone say something to you at school, cause I swear to god, I’ll kick their ass-”

“No! No, n-no one said a-anything,” he lied, biting his bottom lip. “I’m just j-jumpy today? Well, uh, I’m p-pretty jumpy every day, but more than u-usual?” Evan internally groaned, knowing that he wasn’t making this situation better.

Connor reached across the table, placing his hand overtop of Evan’s, and Evan flipped it around so their fingers were intertwined. “You don’t have to lie to me, Ev. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong.” Evan took a deep breath, and sipped his lemonade to avoid talking. The straw made a slurping noise, and Evan winced, pushing the glass away.

“Evan-”

“H-Hey, did Jared s-send you that meme?” Evan interrupted, plastering a smile across his face.

Connor frowned, but pulled out his phone, and showed a picture to Evan. “This one?”

Evan and Connor talked for awhile, with Connor looking worried the entire time, and Evan stammering his way through every topic, which he hadn’t done around Connor since the first time they had met. And Connor noticed it too.

“Okay, let’s get out of here,” the brunet said, standing up and throwing some bills on the table. Evan jumped up, smacking his knee against the underside of the table and winced. “Do you want to go to the orchard after your class?”

Evan felt his stomach untwist a little at the thought of the tall trees, with no one around, and nodded, completely forgetting about his plans with Jared. “O-Okay.”

Connor unlocked the door to his car and slipped inside. “You know, I never showed you the duck pond last time we were there.”

“D-Duck pond?”

“A pond with ducks.”

A smirk flashed across Evan’s face. “ _Really_.”

“Uh-huh.”

Evan rolled his eyes.

**********

**_You have new four messages from: Living Meme_ **

**Living Meme:** where ru?

**Living Meme:** did u forget or something

**Living Meme:** evan?

**Living Meme:** im leaving now. you can walk home.

**********

Evan flopped face-down on his bed, exhausted. Him and Connor had went to the orchard that afternoon, and walked to the small pond to feed the ducks. Well, Evan fed the ducks. Connor tried to eat the bread, got chased by a bird, and then fell in the pond, all in the span of twenty minutes.

Evan didn’t think he had ever laughed harder in his life.

Slam! Evan jumped up at the noise, and swung his head towards the door, where the sound had come from.

“Knock, knock,” Jared deadpanned, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. “Hey, Evan.”

Evan ran his fingers through his hair. “H-Hi?”

“You forget something today?”

Evan smacked his forehead and groaned. “Ohmygod, I’m so s-sorry, I completely f-forgot, I’m s-sorry, I’m an i-idiot.”

“Yeah. You kinda are.” Jared adjusted his glasses, and an awkward silence filled the room. The good feeling that came from watching Connor scream and throw bread at birds was slowly disappearing, and Evan was grasping at straws.

“I’m r-really sorry,” Evan mumbled, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He really didn’t know what else to say, but Jared was just standing there, staring at him like he just killed his cat or something. “D-Do you want to play Mario Kart o-or s-something?”

_Really, Evan? Mario Kart? After you just ditched him?_

Jared pursed his lips, and seemed as if he was going to say no, until he glanced at Evan’s fidgeting fingers, and his teeth that were chewing on his bottom lip, looking like he was about to draw blood. “Sure, Acorn,” he sighed, turning around to go into the living room. “But I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Evan pushed himself off the bed. “P-Probably.”

“Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jared is just trying to be nice:((( and matt makes me mad. just his presence. i really hate him. 
> 
> ALSO, i'm seriously considering doing a oneshots (after my galaxy gals one) about them at the duck pond, because i can just picture Connor getting chased by ducks as Evan laughs and throws bread at him
> 
> as you can see, i was very bored today. 
> 
> yikes, anyways, thank you for reading and commenting, your comments are so sweet, and i squeal and smile every time i get a new one<333


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ideas are tossed around, and everything crashes down on Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woohoo, this sucks, but anyway, here ya go!
> 
> also, there's a time skip of around a week and a half after the texting part!
> 
> warning: panic attack, and also, what could possibly be self-harm (evan digs his nails into his arms) so stay safexx!!

**_Group message with: Alana, Zoe, Living Meme, Connor <3 and Me_ **

**Alana:** Have you guys checked the website lately?! Over 4 million people have visited the page!!

 **Zoe:**!!!

 **Me:** Yay!

 **Living Meme:** whoop-de-doo

 **Connor <3: **excitement.

 **Me:** _Jared._

 **Zoe:** _connor._

 **Living Meme:** yes, acorn?

 **Connor <3: **yes, lovely sister?

 **Alana:** OKAY!

 **Alana:** What I was _going_ to say, is that we need to step it up.

 **Me:** Step it up?

 **Connor <3: **jesus christ

 **Alana:** I mean, we have to keep adding to it and interacting with people, right? So, I was thinking, and last night, I had a brilliant idea.

 **Living Meme:** another one?

 **Alana:** Shut up, Jared.

 **Alana:** And actually, it was two ideas.

 **Alana:** One: We share our stories.

 **Connor <3: **what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

 **Alana:** Okay, so I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that we’re not the most mentally stable group of people.

 **Alana:** So what if we shared our experiences with the rest of the world? We could make videos of us talking about our pasts, mental illnesses, things like that. It could help other people, and let them know that they aren’t the only ones who have felt that way. Only if you guys want to share, though. I can do the the first video, too. We can do a new one every month, starting in November.

 **Me:** That’s a really good idea, Alana!

 **Zoe:** not bad, babe.

 **Living Meme:** im down

 **Connor <3: **that’s cool, but I don’t think I want to talk about me yet. or maybe ever.

 **Alana:** Of course, Connor! We don’t have to anything you’re not comfortable with!

 **Me:** What’s idea number two?

 **Alana:** Connor and Zoe release a new album.

 **Zoe:** Lana, honey, you’ve fucking lost it.

 **Alana:** Here me out on this one. We can pick a few of your favourite songs, write some new stuff, put it all onto one, exclusive album. All proceeds go to suicide awareness, and you can use the songs from the album to sing at the benefit concert.

 **Connor <3: **larry will be so pissed

 **Connor <3: **let’s do it

 **Zoe:** connor, are you sure?

 **Zoe:** you realize you might actually have to work for once, right?

 **Connor <3: **um, i work all the fucking time, thank you very much??

 **Zoe:** last time we tried to record a song, you hacked the system and auto-tuned our voices up two octaves

 **Living Meme:** damn

 **Living Meme:** im impressed, murphy

 **Connor <3: **that song sucks anyway

 **Alana:** Honestly, you guys. You all have the attention span of a goldfish.

 **Alana:** Except for Evan.

 **Me:** Thank you Alana!

 **Alana:** You’re welcome.

 **Alana:** So, what do you guys think?

 **Connor <3: **i like it

 **Zoe:** im in

 **Living Meme:** lets do this bitches

 **Me:** Sounds good!

 **Alana:** :)

**********

Everything was falling apart.

Ever since Alana had suggested the idea to write an album, Zoe and Connor had been working non-stop, and Evan hadn’t seen Connor in over a week. And even then, it was just Connor stopping by his apartment to drop off Alana’s pages of ideas for Jared, for the video that they were making. Jared had barely been home since the night when Evan ditched him, choosing instead to pick up extra shifts at the coffee shop and hide out at the school’s library in the nighttimes. Evan didn’t know what he was doing, and he didn’t bother to ask. On top of that, Matt had cornered him _again_ today, slinging his arm around Evan’s shoulders and asking him if he had the notes for their last class. Evan had stuttered out some incoherent reply, and ran off to his next class, screaming internally.

So, when the teacher said the words, “oral presentation,” it took all of Evan’s strength to not burst into tears in front of everyone. He knew there was no way he could get up in front of the entire class alone, and do a two and a half minute speech on a “topic of his choice.”

He’s screwed.

Evan shakily unlocked the door to his apartment, dropping his keys twice, before finally twisting them violently, and shoving the door open. He stumbled into the apartment, and slammed the door behind him, letting the contents of his bag spill all over the floor. Everything was blurring, and Evan could feel the events of the past week building up in his throat, choking him, making him gasp for air that didn’t seem to be there.

Through the hazy panic, Evan could feel the outline of his phone in his pocket, and grabbed it, frantically clicking on Connor’s contact, and typing what was hopefully an understandable sentence. Evan fell to the ground and curled into a ball, tears streaming running down his face. White noise rang in his ears, and he slammed his eyes shut.

**********

**_Message to: Connor <3_ **

**Me:** cinver,.. van you cxme iver>?

 **Connor <3: **what the fuck

 **Connor <3: **im coming, just hold on

**********

Evan could hear the click of a door and a gasp from his spot on the floor, and he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. His nails were digging into his arms, leaving white, crescent-shaped moons in his skin. A voice bounced around in his skull, whispering words he couldn’t understand, and Evan whimpered, burying his head even deeper into his legs.

“Breathe… have to… Evan… hear me?”

Evan couldn’t make out anything over the ringing in his ears.

“Ev… where… medicine? ...Evan?”

He blindly gestured towards his bedroom, and the voice seemed to get the hint, because their footsteps rushed away, and he could hear muffled crashing noises. Two circles were pressed into his palm, and Evan shoved them down his throat, swallowing them dry.

“You have… Breathe… It’s okay… You’re okay, just breathe, it’s okay, shh, shh.”

Evan’s senses slowly returned around him, and he could smell cinnamon. Cinnamon and smoke. It smelt like Connor.

_Connor._

Evan buried his head into the front of Connor’s shirt, sobbing loudly as a warm hand rubbed circles on his back, whispering comforting words in his ear as he cried, soaking the fabric. “I-I-I’m sorry, I’m so, so s-sorry-”  


“Stop, it’s okay, you didn’t do anything, you’re fine,” Connor soothed. He ran a hand through Evan’s hair, and Evan tried to match his breathing to Connor’s, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight. His tears slowed, and he rubbed his arm, hands hiding the half circles in his skin. Connor hugged him tighter and breathed out a sigh.

“What the fuck happened, Ev?” Connor said softly, trying not to scare him.

“It’s stupid- it’s so s-stupid- _I’m so stupid-_ ”

“No, his you’re not stupid, Evan, you’re amazing, don’t _say_ that.” Connor wiped the tears off his face with his sleeve. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No- No, it w-was nothing r-really, it’s just, everything just k-keeps building up, and I-I haven’t talked t-to Jared in, in _days,_ and I have to g-give a p-presentation in, in front of the, the class in order to pass, and I can’t d-do it alone, and n-now I’m wa-wasting your time, and you have o-other stuff to do, and-” Evan sucked in a gulp of air into his burning lungs, not even realizing that he was crying again.

Connor threaded his hand into Evan’s hair again. “You’re gonna be okay, and you’re not “wasting” my time. I’ll help you with your speaking thingy and you’ll pass the class, and it’ll be fine.It’ll be fine.”

“B-But you have to w-write-”

“Evan.”

“S-Sorry, sorry, I d-didn’t mean-”

“Fuck, Evan, I didn’t mean it like that,” Connor murmured. “I’m sorry.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek, and his gaze fell on his bag, that was lying at an odd angle on the floor, as if it had been thrown there and forgotten about. “Let’s just… fuck, let’s just do something else.”

Evan nodded, and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “O-Okay.”

Connor reached over to his messenger bag, and slid it closer, shuffling around in a pocket, before grabbing out a baby blue bottle. “Hold out your hand.”

Evan obliged, flattening his fingers out against Connor’s left palm, and Connor opened the bottle, balancing it between his knees. “C-Connor, what are you d-doing?”

“Nail polish,” Connor said, not looking up from Evan’s nails. “Whenever I get pissed, I paint my nails. It’s calming.” Evan tried to hold his hands as still as possible while Connor stroked the pale blue colour onto his nails, the room falling silent.

Evan couldn’t stand the quiet. His mind was still racing, and all he could think about was how Connor probably had way more important things to be doing then painting his stupid boyfriends nails. Before he could stop himself, apologies were tumbling from his lips, saying sorry for being such a burden, and so annoying, and so _pathetic,_ and Connor should just _leave him already-_

Connor cut him off by smashing his lips onto Evan’s, and he moved his hands out of the way so he wouldn’t get wet nail polish in Connor’s hair. “Evan. Stop,” he whispered, pulling away from the shorter boy. “I’m not leaving you just because you’re having a bad day, that’s fucking ridiculous.” Even though Connor’s words were harsh, his tone was soft, and Evan snapped his mouth shut. Connor blew on Evan’s nails, and touched then lightly, making sure they were dry. “What do you want to do for Halloween?”

Evan blinked at the sudden change of subject, and wrinkled his nose in confusion. “H-Huh?”

“Halloween? You know, the holiday where people dress up, ask strangers for candy and celebrate the dead? Happening in like a week? October 31st?”

“I’m f-familiar with t-that one,” Evan snorted, trying to smile.

Connor laughed, probably more than the comment warranted, but Evan appreciated the effort. “I mean, do you and Jared want to come over, and hang out with me, Zoe and Alana? I’m guessing you’re not the “big party” type.”

That was an understatement. Ever since sixth grade, where some kids in his class had stole the mask to his costume and threw it in the garbage, Evan instead chose to hide up in his room, hiding under the covers every time the doorbell rang, because his mom was usually working and there was no way Evan could make small talk with three hundred different strangers. “Yeah, uh s-sure? Do w-we need to, to dress u-up or a-anything?”

An evil look came over Connor’s face. “Yes,” he said seriously. “And I’m picking your costume.”

“F-Fine,” Evan grinned, tugging at a loose thread hanging off of Connor’s sweater. “But I g-get to choose yours too.”

“Deal.”

Evan nuzzled his head into the crook of Connor’s neck, and peered out at his nails. “I like them,” he mumbled, more to himself than anyone else, but Connor heard him, and smiled.

“Told you.” Evan giggled, and a strange look flashed across Connor’s face, and he opened his mouth hesitantly. “And Ev? I’m sorry for like, uh, basically abandoning you. Like, Alana’s been making us write like crazy, and that’s not really an excuse, but, uh, I’ll make her take it down a notch, and we can all hang out or something.”

Evan nodded in agreement, and even though nothing was really _fixed-_ Jared still wasn’t talking to him, he still had to stutter his way through a speech in front of his class- he could breathe a little easier with  Connor lying next to him, and that was enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, it all kinda goes downhill from here.
> 
> EVAN THINKS HE'S A BURDAN, AND HE'S NOT, and let's face it we've all had those days where everything seems to be going wrong and you just feel like curling up underneath a pile of blankets to watch bad movies
> 
> here's what happened in this chapter if you're confused at all: the five of them were talking, and Alana has the idea for Zoe and Connor to release a new album for suicide awareness, and they agree. then, it skips to around a week and a half later, and evan has a panic attack, because everything just seems to be crashing down around him. connor comes over, comforts him, and paints his nails
> 
> also, I just posted the oneshot on how zoe and Alana met in this fic! go check it out!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and thank you for all of your comments and kudos, they make me soso happy! I love you all<3


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really not sure what this chapter is, but I wanted to give you guys some Halloween fluff before everything falls apart, and autumn is my all-time favourite season!
> 
> warnings for underage drinking (because the drinking age in new York is 21 and I only realized this halfway through writing this chapter, oops)

**_Group message with: Connor <3, Living Meme, Alana, Zoe and Me_ **

**Connor <3: **happy halloween bitches

 **Zoe:** go to _bed_ connor

 **Zoe:** DO NOT STOMP ON THE FLOOR I CAN HEAR YOU

 **Zoe:** ALANA IS SLEEPING

 **Connor <3: **ill do whatever the fuck i want

 **Connor <3: **:)

 **Living Meme:** happy halloween asshole

 **Connor <3: **love ya bathbomb

 **Living Meme:** do NOT call me BATHBOMB

 **Zoe:** bathbomb

 **Connor <3: **BATHBOMB

 **Me:** Go to bed.

 **Connor <3: **AND YOU WOKE UP EVAN GOOD JOB EVERYONE

 **Zoe:** YOU STARTED THIS

 **Me:** Okay, we should stop now!

 **Me:** Con, please go to bed. It's one am.

 **Connor <3: **what is sleep

 **Zoe:** you have ten seconds to get off the group chat before i actually kill you

 **Connor <3: **terrified

 **Connor <3: **is everyone still coming tonight?

 **Me:** Yes!

 **Zoe:** no shit

 **Zoe:** GO TO BED

 **Connor <3: **jesus, no need to yell

**********

“Get moving, Hansen! I’m not waiting for forever!”

Evan adjusted his plain black shirt that Connor had insisted he wear as a part of his costume, and dashed out to the kitchen, to see Jared wearing a violet t-shirt with the word ‘Bathbomb’ printed on it. He could feel Evan’s wide eyes on him, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Zoe and Alana made it for me,” Jared growled, grabbing his keys from the table. “Where’s your costume?”

“C-Connor has it,” Evan mumbled, and Jared rolled his eyes. He said something underneath his breath that Evan couldn’t pick out, and stalked out the door, leaving Evan alone to stumble after him.

On the way to Connor’s apartment, Jared kept his eyes focused on the road, and his lips were pressed together in a straight line. The music was turned up so loud that Evan couldn’t think, let alone try to talk to Jared. As soon as they pulled up in front of the building, Jared yanked the keys out of the ignition, and slammed the car door shut. Evan tripped after him, and picked at the remains of his nail polish during the elevator ride, with only quiet jazz music filling the silence.

Evan could hear shouting over the pounding music coming from Connor’s apartment, and he turned to Jared tentatively, hoping to at least get a smile out of him. “H-How do th-three people make that much noise?”

Jared didn’t reply.

Connor answered the door wearing angel wings, a halo, and a huge scowl. “Evan Hansen,” he spat, grabbing Evan’s arm and pulling him through the threshold. “I hate you.”

Evan grinned, momentarily forgetting Jared’s weird behaviour. “I t-think you look c-cute,” he giggled, flicking at the fluffy halo, proud of the costume that he had picked for him, even though Connor had told him multiple times that it couldn’t be a ‘happy’ costume, because Halloween was all about celebrating ‘the darkness of my soul.’ Evan told him that that was stupid, and Halloween was about being scared that someone was going to jump out at you for twenty-four hours straight.

Connor rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop a tiny smile from creeping on his face. “I think _you_ look cute,” he smirked, gently pressing their lips together.

“Okay, _please_ tell me there’s alcohol here somewhere, because there’s no way I’m gonna be able to survive tonight without it,” Jared huffed from behind them, crossing his arms.

“Kitchen,” Connor murmured, grabbing Evan’s hand and dragging him around the corner to his room, leaving Jared alone. Evan stood in the doorway nervously, while Connor dug through his closet, throwing clothes everywhere, until he pulled out a pair of devil horns and red wings triumphantly.

“No. N-No way.”

“Yes,” grinned Connor, lifting up his chin. “If I have to be an angel, you’re a devil.”

It was Evan’s turn to roll his eyes. Connor smiled, taking it as a form of consent, and straightened the horns around Evan’s ears. “Cute.”

Evan flicked him.

Connor pulled one side of the wing over Evan’s right arm. “Um, how was the presentation?” he murmured, lowering his voice considerably, even though there was no way anyone could hear him, judging by the blaring music and screams coming from the kitchen.

Evan’s mind flew back to him standing in front of the class, and dropping his note cards. “Uh, it went, it w-went okay,” he stuttered, only partially lying. He hadn’t had a panic attack or anything, but he had had to restart twice and stuttered his way through a painful two minutes of forty sets of eyes burning into him, as if he was some sort of zoo animal. “I lived, I g-guess,” he tried to joke.

Connor chuckled softly, and grabbed his hand, leading him out towards the kitchen, where the others were standing, drinking and laughing.

“EVAN!” Zoe screamed, running over and wrapping her arms around the surprised boy. “Happy Halloween!” Her eyes were wide, and she had whiskers drawn on her face and crooked cat ears on her head. She laughed loudly, and took a long drink from the glass in her hand.

“Alana, how much has she had to drink?” Connor demanded, glaring over Zoe’s head at Alana, who was wearing a witch’s hat and a grin.

“I _told_ her she has to work tomorrow,” Alana said, rolling her eyes. “But she just said that she’ll be fine, which we all know isn’t true.”

“Zoe gets really bad hangovers,” explained Connor to Evan. “Like, ‘throw-coffee-in-your-face-if-you-piss-her-off’ hangovers.” Evan nodded, and stared down at his nails. He knew that he should probably take the chipped blue polish off soon, but whenever he looked at it, it gave him a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. And it reminded him of that happy moment in his really shitty week. It used to be, when Evan was having a bad day, week, whatever, there wasn’t anything anyone could to make it better.

Somehow, Connor had managed to change that.

Connor thrust a cup at him that had a fruity-smelling liquid and Evan looked down at it for a moment, debating the pros and cons of getting drunk, before gulping down a huge mouthful, adrenaline buzzing through his veins.

“Slow down,” Connor laughed, taking a sip out of his own cup.

Evan ignored him, and downed the rest of his drink.

It only took thirty minutes for Evan to become completely drunk, which, if he was being honest, had never really happened before. Oh sure, there had been the odd time when him and Jared had picked the lock on his parent’s liquor cabinet, but Evan always felt bad. Most of the time, he chose to sip water while Jared got wasted and contemplated the meaning of life. And of course, he was never invited to any parties, so Evan instead chose to stay home and watch tree documentaries. Because of, that, well… he was a complete lightweight.

“Jaaaarrreeddd,” Evan giggled, tugging on the boy’s shirt. “Connor has reeeeeaaaally pretty hair. It just… it just looks so _soft,_ and I just wanna touch it.” Evan stared across the room at Connor, who was only slightly tipsy and was laughing at his sister. Zoe had her cat ears balanced across her nose, and was meowing loudly, ignoring Alana’s pleas to stop.

Jared threw a Skittle in his mouth from a bowl on the counter and slapped a hand on Evan’s shoulder drunkenly. “Yeah, he does have nice hair.”

“I want him to be my boyfrieeennddd,” Evan slurred, propping his head up on his hand. Connor felt the shorter boy’s eyes on him, and turned around, grinning. Evan blushed, and hid his face in Jared’s shoulder. “Oh my goodness, he’s, he’s _looking_ at me, what do I doooooo?”

Jared tried to ruffle his hair, but ended up missing, and he knocked Evan’s horns askew. “Go talk to him, I think he’s into you.” His eyes widened, and he clutched at Evan’s arm, as if he just thought of something important. “But- But, you won’t ditch me, right? We’ll still be best friends?”

Evan nodded seriously. “Of course, Jared.”

“Promise?” Jared held out his finger for a pinkie promise, and Evan connected their fingers together.

“I promise.”

Jared burst out laughing, and pushed Evan away from him. “Go get your man, Ev!”

Evan tripped over his feet, and stumbled towards Connor, banging into him. The taller man caught him, laughing, and Evan stared up at him in awe. “Um, uh, you’re really, uh, pretty. Do you, uh, do you wanna be my boyfriend?”

Alana, who was still sober, burst out laughing while Zoe looked on in confusion.

“Evan, honey,” Connor said, brushing a piece of his blond hair behind his hair. “You already are my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for like, two months.”

“Really?!” Connor nodded, and Evan broke out in a huge smile, jumping up into Connor’s arms like a koala. “Yaaaaaayyyyyy!”

Connor stumbled under his weight, and Zoe laughed at the two of them, taking another gulp of her drink. “You know what?” she said, leaning up against the island in the middle of the kitchen. “We should watch a horror movie!”

They all nodded in agreement, except for Evan, who buried his face in Connor’s chest. “Horror movies are funny. I don’t like funny movies,” he murmured.

“I think you mean scary, Ev,” Connor chuckled, carrying him to the living room and dropping him on the couch. Evan stretched his legs out, placing them on Connor’s lap and hummed happily.

Alana switched the lights off, and started to play a movie about some creepy doll, that Evan actually did find funny instead of scary, laughing at the jumpscares while everyone else screamed. Connor jumped every time the music dropped and rose, but Evan just giggled and played with the strings of the pillow that he was clutching to his chest.

Towards the end of movie, the couple onscreen were kissing, and Evan sat up abruptly, wide-eyed. “Connor,” he whispered, pointing at the TV. “One day, I want to kiss you like that.”

Connor pecked the tip of his nose lightly, and Evan looked up at him, astonished. “We _have_ kissed like that. Lots of times, actually.”

Evan giggled, and fell backwards into the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m so lucky,” he breathed, focused on wiggling his toes back and forth.

A few minutes later, the end credits began to play, and Alana yawned, rolling her shoulders back and making her bones pop. “We should get going,” she said, turning a lamp beside her on and helping Zoe off the couch, who was twirling her hair around her finger and talking about how ridiculous donut holes were, because why would you just buy a part of a donut when you could get a full one for basically the same price? “Don’t do anything stupid, you have to go to the studio tomorrow.” Alana opened the door, walking out into the hallway and Jared jumped up,

“There is no way I’m staying with the two of them,” he slurred, stumbling after Alana and Zoe. “I don’t know what they’re planning to do.” Alana rolled her eyes, but nodded tiredly, too exhausted to argue with Jared, who obviously wasn’t changing his mind anytime soon.

“I wouldn’t want you to,” Connor yelled after him, and Jared flipped him off without looking back. Connor chuckled and closed the door behind him, clicking the lock shut.

“Jesus, I really need-” Connor cut off abruptly as he turned around, seeing Evan passed out on his couch, little huffs of air escaping his lips.

Connor smiled, and grabbed a blanket, tucking it under his chin. “Night, Ev,” he whispered, switching the lamp off, and letting the room plunge into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drunk evan is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever written! also, soon we find out what's going on with jared, so yay!
> 
> okay, this fic is now updating every third day, because school is starting next week for me and I don't have the time to write as much:(((
> 
> next chapter: we meet larry again:(
> 
> thank you sososo much for reading, and if you want, leave kudos or a comment, because they make me so happy and they motivate me to write! <333


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone new enters, and no one is really happy about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we meet a new oc! I really didn't mean for him to show up in this chapter, but he kind of just showed up!
> 
> warnings for past self harm

_ Today’s Headline News: ‘For Forever’ plans to release new album this winter to raise money for suicide awareness. _

**_Group message with: Alana, Zoe, Connor <3, Living Meme and Me_ **

**Alana:** Connor, you have one hour to get your ass over here before I fire you.

**Connor <3: ** you can’t fire me 

**Alana:** Try. Me.

**********

Evan woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding headache.

Morning sunlight burned through the room, and Evan squinted, trying to block out all the memories that were fighting for space in his head. He rolled over on his side, and saw a piece of paper tucked underneath a glass full of water, with an Advil next to it. He reached out a sore arm, and lifted the glass slightly, pulling out the note.

_ Figured you might need this. I’m in the kitchen. _

__ __ __ __ __ _ \- <3 _

Connor’s handwriting was slanted, but surprisingly neat, and Evan smiled slightly at the note. He swallowed the pill, pressing the palms of his hands to his throbbing temples. The powdery substance stuck in his throat, and he gulped down nearly the full glass of water.

Evan could remember bits of pieces of last night, like the taste of strawberries, two fingers connecting together, and, for some reason, the sound of laughter while burying his face in something soft.

Evan was never getting drunk again.

He sat up with a groan, and pulled off the devil horns that had somehow stayed on his head. Treading lightly, Evan padded his way down the hall towards the kitchen to find his boyfriend.

Connor was leaning up against the counter, drinking a cup of tea and reading a thick book. He had a pair of glasses on, and, for the first time since Evan had met him, he was wearing a tank top that showed all of his shoulders, collar, and arms. Evan grinned for a moment, but the smile was wiped off his face in an instant, when his eyes landed on Connor’s wrists.

His heart sunk.

There were thin, white criss-crossed lines running from the edge of his palms to his elbows, too many to count, and Evan couldn’t stop staring at the scars, even though he knew he really shouldn’t. He knew that they were there, but there was something different about hearing Connor tell him and actually seeing them.

Evan must’ve made some sort of noise, some sort of squeak, because Connor turned around, pulling off his glasses with a grin. Until he saw Evan’s gaze fixed on his arms, and all the colour drained from his face.

“Oh. Um…” Connor looked around frantically, and he pressed the insides of his arms into his thighs. Evan’s eyes widened, and he stumbled over, touching Connor’s shoulders.

“No! I’m s-sorry, I shouldn’t of been staring, t-that was so rude, o-oh my god. But, uh, I m-mean, uh, you don’t- you don’t h-have to, uh, c-cover your arms? Oh, shoot, I mean, o-only if you wa-want to? Uh, I mean- I don’t know what I mean?” Evan said the last part all in one breath, and Connor snorted. He relaxed his muscles slightly, but kept his wrists turned away from Evan. “Um, they’re not- you haven’t- th-they’re old, right?”

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled, turning his head to look out the window. He wouldn’t meet Evan’s eyes, and the shorter boy’s stomach twisted.

Evan grabbed his wrist, thumb brushing against the rough skin, and Connor froze. “I- uh, you know I lo-love you, right?”  _ Nice one, Evan. That was helpful. Way to make this even worse than it already. _

But Connor seemed to understand what he was trying to do. He enfolded Evan in a hug, arms wrapped around his shoulder, and Evan nuzzled his head into that sweet spot between his neck and shoulder. “I love you too,” he said, so lowly that Evan could barely hear him. But he did.

They stayed like that for a few moments, until, by some unspoken agreement, they broke apart and sat down together. Connor silently handed a cup of tea to him, and Evan took little sips, feeling his headache slowly fade away.

“So.” Connor broke the silence, and Evan tried to swallow the mouthful of tea that he had just taken. “Do you want to come to the studio today? Me and Zoe are recording a new song, for the album, and you could, I don’t know, listen to it?” Connor sighed, and lifted the edge of the mug to his lips. “Sorry, that’s a stupid idea.”

“No! It’s n-not stupid, I mean. I’d, uh, I’d love to,” Evan stammered.

“Cool.” Connor stretched his arms above his head, making his shirt slip down from the movement, Evan noticed another scar. Except, this one was on his collarbone, and instead of being pale and straight, it was jagged and slightly red.

“What’s, uh, what’s t-that one from?” Evan questioned quietly, pointing at the skin. Connor glanced down, surprised, as if he forgot it was there. His eyes clouded over, and he adjusted his tank top so that the fabric covered it. 

“Nothing.” The answer was sharp, and Evan couldn’t help but flinch a little. But he didn’t say anything else, knowing that if he pushed Connor, Connor would completely close off, and that isn’t really what either of them needed right now.

“Sorry,” Evan breathed, and Connor just nodded. “So, uh, I didn’t know y-you wore glasses?”

Connor smiled a little at the change in subject, and fiddled with the end of them. “Yeah, but I fucking hate them. They make me look stupid. I wear contacts most of the time, or just go blind.”

“I like them,” Evan murmured. He picked them up, and slipped them onto Connor’s face. “They l-look good on you. You should, uh, w-wear them more often.”

Connor pushed the glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “Maybe I will.”

Evan reached his hand out towards Connor, and they laced their fingers together. Sun reflected through the windows, and rainbows danced around the room. A patch of light fell onto their hands, and Evan smiled, letting warmth pool in the bottom of his stomach, letting himself relax, letting himself be  _ happy.  _

Connor squeezed his hand gently.

**********

Connor pulled the car up in front of a huge building that said ‘Murphy’s Record Label’ on a fancy sign. Evan gaped at it in awe, and Connor tugged the key out of the ignition, letting the engine die. 

“Okay, t-this is really cool,” Evan mumbled.

Connor rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Yeah, it’s fucking perfect.” He jumped out of the car, and started towards the building. “C’mon, we gotta go in the back entrance.”

“Back entrance?”

They rounded the corner of the building, where there was a door that looked like it hadn’t been opened in years. It had rusty hinges, and there were literal vines growing up the sides of it. “You don’t think Larry’s gonna actually _ let _ us use the studio to record stuff for this, do you?” Connor hit the toe of his combat boot against the door, and it popped open, slamming against the wall with a bang, revealing a long hallway with what looked like hundreds of doors lining the sides.

Evan’s hands went towards the hem of his polo, but Connor stopped him before he could ruin another one of his shirts by pulling on the loose strings and unraveling the fabric. “A-Are you- are  _ we  _ gonna, um, get in trouble for t-this or something?”

If he finds out I’ll probably be in a lot of shit,” he shrugged, leading Evan down the hallway to a closed door that had a sign on it with the number sixty-four. “But I’ll just tell him to fuck off or something.”

Evan decided not to point out how well that strategy had worked in the past.

Connor pushed open the door, and they walked into a room, that was cut in half by a glass wall. Evan gazed around in awe at the shiny floors, expensive looking equipment, the man clicking at buttons in front of the sound booth and the two annoyed-looking girls standing in the corner.

_ “Finally,”  _ Alana sighed, walking up to the two boys, and grabbing Connor’s arm. She smacked him lightly with a clipboard, and Connor yelped. “We’ve been here since nine, and you’re only just showing up now.” Zoe just glared at Connor, mumbling an agreement, while taking a huge gulp out of her travel mug that Evan suspected had some sort of highly caffeinated beverage. 

“You never told us what time we had to be here!” Connor protested, as Alana shoved him and his sister into the sound booth, taking the mug out of Zoe’s hands. 

“You should’ve read my mind!” Alana shouted, and Evan breathed a laugh. “Jake, you want to set everything up?” She directed the question towards the guy sitting at the control booth, and he flashed her a thumbs up, starting to adjust switches and click at things that really had no importance to Evan.

“Um, w-where’s Jared?” Evan whispered to Alana, not able to stand the silence while everything was getting set up.

“He left this morning,” Alana replied, scribbling furiously at her clipboard. “Said something about work?” 

Evan felt a guilty feeling nagging at him, but he pushed it away, and focused on the soft guitar music that was now playing over the speakers. He looked through the glass, where Connor and Zoe each had a pair of headphones on. Connor’s eyes are closed, and Evan most certainly would be staring at how beautiful he is, if it wasn’t for the words that were coming out of his mouth.

_ “No one deserves to be forgotten...:”  _ Connor was singing, with Zoe joining in on the chorus and harmonies, voices blending and soaring together. The words hit Evan straight in the heart, and it made tears well up in his eyes, because Evan honestly had been wanting to disappear his entire life, and here was Connor, singing about how no one should, how no one should be alone, basically contradicting what Evan had told himself for years. He blinked furiously, and turned his head away from Alana, because there was no way he was crying over a  _ song,  _ that would be  _ stupid.  _

He was totally crying over a song.

The song ended softly, and the room was silent. Jake hit a few buttons on the control panel, and Connor’s  voice crackled through the speakers. “How was that?”

Alana pushed a button, and flashed them a thumbs-up. “Great job, guys! We have to do it a few more times, just to make sure, but keep it up!”

They launched into the song again, and again, until Alana declared that they could had enough recorded that they could edit now. Connor stepped out of the sound booth with Zoe, walking over to Evan, and picked at his nail polish. “What did you, uh, think?” Evan opened and closed his mouth, trying to form words, but failing miserably. “Was it really that bad?” he whispered nervously.

“No! No, it was really, really g-good!” Evan mentally slapped himself for making Connor think that he hated it.

Connor’s arms relaxed by his sides, and he grinned a little, opening his mouth as if he was about to say something but was interrupted by a laugh from behind him. 

“I have to agree with him, that wasn’t half bad!” Evan swung around, coming face-to-face with Larry, who was smirking at the four of them from his spot in the doorway.

Evan’s stomach twisted into knots.

Connor stared down at his nails, refusing to look at his father, as Larry stepped further into the room. “You didn’t tell me that you two were writing something.”

Zoe moved away from Alana, closer to her brother and lifted her chin. “We don’t need to tell you everything,  _ Larry. _ ” Her voice was even and calm, and Evan inhaled a shaky breath, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans.

Larry’s eyes clouded. “Don’t tell me this is for that ‘album’ thing that you two are supposedly doing.” Neither of them answered. The tension in the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife, and Evan’s fingers were drumming against his thigh so fast that all he could see was a pale blur. Connor’s chest was heaving, and he still had yet to look up. 

“Hey, Mr Murphy, is this where… Oh…  _ Oh. _ ”

A new voice echoed through the room, and a man that looked around Evan’s age stuck his head in. He looked vaguely familiar, with stringy black hair and murky green eyes, and what looked like a permanent scowl etched into his face. His voice was low and gravelly, and when his eyes landed on Connor, his mouth twisted into a nasty grin. “Connor Murphy! How  _ are _ you?”

The atmosphere got even thicker.

Connor’s jaw clenched, and his hand flew to his collarbone, kneading the skin with his knuckles. “What… the  _ fuck _ ,” he said slowly, “is he doing here?” Zoe glared at the new person, again moving closer to Connor, almost as if she was protecting him from something.    
  


“Thomas here just signed a contract with our studio this morning,” Larry sneered, pursing his lips. “Isn’t that great?” 

“Fantastic,” Connor spat. 

Evan looked around in confusion. Everyone seemed to know what was going on, even the tech guy, who had at some point melted away, and was nowhere to be found. He caught Zoe’s eye, and tilted his head questioningly. Her lips formed around a word that made Evan’s eyebrows knit together and his heart sink for the second time that day.

_ Ex.  _

“Well, Con, I guess we’ll see each other sometime, then,” the man- _ Thomas _ \- smirked, before curling his fingers in a wave and strutting out of the room. 

“I think that you should all get out,” growled Larry, shooting them all one last glare before following Thomas out. The door slammed shut behind them, plunging the room into silence. No one moved for about for ten seconds, until Connor made some sort of noise deep in his throat, and stormed out of the studio, wrenching the door open so hard that Evan was scared it would fly off its hinges.

Zoe let out a breath of air, and turned to Evan. “Do you want to go after him, or should I?” she said quietly.

Evan didn’t reply, just nodded his head, and chased Connor down the hallway. “Connor!” he hissed, trying to catch up with Connor’s long legs. “Connor, wait!”

Connor ignored him, and shoved open the exit, breaking out into the chilly air. Evan followed, tripping over his own feet. Connor was leaning against the side of the building, head down, and arms wrapped around his stomach. He was muttering something underneath his breath that was impossible to pick out.

“C-Connor-”

_ “What,”  _ Connor hissed, and Evan stepped back from where he had been about to touch Connor’s arm. Wind whipped around them, and Connor’s hair cut his face into strips, hiding his eyes. 

Evan bit the inside of his cheek. “Um- uh-” he stammered. He gestured wildly in the general direction of where the car was parked, because getting out of here honestly seemed like the best option at this point. Connor seemed to get the message, and they walked to the car, getting in the front without saying a word.

Connor seemed to be telling himself something, because his lips were moving with no sound coming out, and his hands were clenched into tight balls by his side. Evan took a deep breath, and tried to still his trembling fingers. Thoughts were pulsing through his head at top speed, and there were a million questions that he wanted to blurt out at once. Who was Thomas, and why did Connor look like he wanted to strangle him? Why did everyone seem to know what was going on, except for him? 

Evan figured that he had two options at this point. He could ask Connor about everything, and risk have Connor break down, or blow up, or  _ something. _ Or he could change the subject, and steer clear of this altogether, even though it was obvious that this had to be addressed at some point.

Evan was determined to avoid that talk for as long as he could.

“Orchard,” he blurted, making Connor jump in surprise. “Um. D-Do you want to go to the o-orchard? We can text Alana and Z-Zoe and tell them we left?”

Connor hesitated for moment. “Okay,” he decided, blowing a piece of hair out of his face. “Okay, let’s go.”

The engine roared to life, and Evan stared out the window, biting back all the words that were begging to escape from his lips.

**********

**_You have new messages from: Living Meme_ **

**Living Meme:** i hope you realize you missed your shift at the coffee shop today.

**Living Meme:** i had to cover for you.

**Living Meme:** where are you?

**Living Meme:** evan?

**Living Meme:** whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brought to you by: mike faist in glasses and domestic mornings
> 
> the song that they were recording was 'Disappear' aka the song that i need three boxes of tissues to get through
> 
> next chapter: more problems
> 
> also, tgc is closed, and i'm just so sad:(
> 
> thank you for reading, and leave kudos or a comment, because I absolutely love to hear what you guys think of this so far!<33


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jared is angry, Evan says things he doesn't mean, and Connor hears every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance.
> 
>  
> 
> warnings for verbal fighting

_ Today’s Headline News: Thomas Oliver signs recording contract with Murphy’s Record Label.  _

**_You have two messages from: Living Meme_ **

**Living Meme:** evan hansen, where are you?

**Living Meme:** you haven’t been home in like four days. you’ve missed like five shifts. what the fuck is going on with you?

**Me:** Nothing! I’m fine.

**Living Meme:** well, where the fuck have you been?

**Me:** I’m at Connor’s.

**Living Meme:** course you are.

**Me:** Look, I gotta go.

**Living Meme:** we’re not done talking!!

**Me:** What is there to talk about?

**_You sent one new message to: Connor <3_ **

**Me:** Where did you go?

**Connor <3: ** important question: do you like jelly beans?

**Me:** Uh, yes?

**Me:** Con, what are you doing?

**Connor <3: ** zoe has jelly beans.

**Me:** Did you sneak into her apartment again?!

**Connor <3: ** no.

**Me:** Connor!

**Connor <3: ** ...

**Connor <3: ** i just wanted jelly beans, okay?

**Me:** Okaaaayyyyyyyy...

**Connor <3: ** im coming back up now

**Connor <3: ** luv you

**Connor <3: ** ;)))) <33333

**Me:** Don’t text and walk!

**_You have one new message from: Living Meme_ **

**Living Meme:** jesus christ evan, are you actually that dumb?

**********

Evan set his phone down with a frown, and leaned against the back of Connor’s couch. He knew that he had been avoiding Jared for a awhile now, and even though it didn’t start out purposely, it just kind of… happened. Ever since that whole thing had happened over a month ago, where Evan had ditched Jared for Connor, Jared had been acting weird, and making Evan feel like shit whenever they were together. He would always make to to slip something nasty in, and anytime that Evan would so much as mention Connor’s name in one of their forced conversations, Jared would just roll his eyes and stop talking altogether. So, Evan just kind of stopped trying. And now,  _ Jared  _ was the one getting mad about Evan being gone all the time, even though when Evan was home, Jared would lock himself in his bedroom and refuse to come out.

It was all so confusing, it made Evan’s head spin.

“Are you okay?” Evan jumped at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice, and turned around to see Connor behind him, holding a bag of jelly beans. He hadn’t even heard him walk into the apartment. “You look nervous.”

“YeahI’mfine,” Evan blurted, plastering a convincing smile on his face “Um, d-did you actually steal your sister’s j-jelly beans?” 

Connor shook the bag twice in agreement and plopped down on the couch. “Fuck yes,” he grinned, popping a red one in his mouth. “Jelly beans are my shit.”

Evan rolled his eyes, and poked Connor’s side, ignoring the buzzing of his phone. He reached over and turned it to silent before Connor could ask who was texting him. Evan didn’t really feel like explaining the Jared Thing right now. “How’d s-she not see you?”

Connor wrinkled his nose. “Her and Alana were, um,  _ distracted _ , if you get what I mean.”

Evan groaned, and shoved his face in a pillow. “Uh, yeah, I get i-it,” he said, his voice muffled by the fabric. He also didn’t feel like talking about  _ that  _ right now. “I didn’t r-really need to h-hear that.”

“You  _ asked, _ ” Connor laughed, pulling Evan down so that his head was in Connor’s lap, and Evan turned red. Connor started to play with the tips of his curls, twirling the honey-blond hair around his fingers and making it more messy than it already was. “Your hair is so soft,” the brunet mumbled lowly, making Evan blush even more.

They sat like that for a few minutes, with Connor playing with Evan’s hair, and occasionally telling stupid jokes that made Evan giggle softly. Quiet music playing in the background, some sort of classical song that Connor had said helped him fall asleep at night. The Jared Thing slowly faded to the back of his mind, pushed away by the calming violin music and soft laughs, and Evan slowly started to drift off into sleep.

Well, until the knocking at the door started.

“Jesus Christ, I’m coming,” Connor murmured, more to himself than anyone else. Evan pushed himself off of his boyfriend’s lap, rubbing at his eyes, so that Connor could stand up and walk to the door, where the knocking was becoming more persistent. Knitting his eyebrows together, Evan laid back down, figuring it was just Zoe coming to chew her brother out for sneaking into her apartment or something.

“Where’s Evan?” Evan’s head shot up at the sound of his name, and he immediately broke out into a cold sweat. He stood up shakily, and forced himself to make his way out towards the sound, where  _ Jared was standing. _

Evan’s stomach clenched.

Connor looked back and forth between the two of them, taking in the tension that had just filled the air. “Um, I’m gonna be in the kitchen if you guys need me,” he said slowly, shooting Evan a look, and backing out of the room slowly. Evan took a deep breath and faced Jared, who had his arms crossed over his chest and an expectant look on his face, as if he expected Evan to read his mind.

“Um, h-hi?”

Jared snorted out a laugh. “Hi?  _ Hi?  _ It’s been like a fucking month of us not having a real conversation, and all you have to say is  _ hi?” _

Evan’s palms were sweaty, and he gripped the fabric of his jeans, immediately defending himself. “Well, w-what do you want me to s-say?”

“Maybe something like, ‘I’m sorry for completely  _ ditching  _ you Jared,’ or ‘I’m sorry for being a complete  _ dick? _ ’” Jared raised his voice to a high falsetto, and Evan flinched. 

“I-I don’t t-think I understand?” Evan squeaked, gnawing on his lip, a pit growing in the bottom of his stomach. 

Jarec scoffed and rolled his eyes. “In case you haven’t noticed, you haven’t been home in forever, because you’ve been too busy with  _ Connor,  _ and  _ Zoe,  _ and  _ Alana,  _ and this fucking project, and you’ve totally ditched  _ me.  _ I’m your fucking best friend! And now that someone  _ better  _ has come along, you're going to just leave me behind?!”

“What d-do you mean?”

“Really? I’ve had to cover for you at work for a week, because you keep missing your shifts! Whenever I try to talk to you, all you can do is say “Connor did this,’ or Connor did that’ or whatever.”

Evan winced at Jared’s harsh tone. Had he really done that? The hole in his stomach grew even more, and he stared down at his sneakers.

“I’m your  _ best friend,  _ actually, I was your only friend, Evan, and you don’t even  _ care  _ anymore.”

Something inside of Evan snapped at Jared’s words, and he shot his head up. “M-Maybe it’s  _ you  _ who doesn’t c-care! I  _ h-have  _ tried to, to talk to you, and all you do is make fun o-of me or ignore me!”

“You won’t answer any of your texts, you won’t call, your  _ mother  _ is worried about you, she called  _ me-” _

“W-Why does this even matter to you anyway, C-Connor  _ never  _ does anything like you-”

“What, do you just use me to edit your stupid fucking website-”

“ _ No,  _ Jared, t-that’s not-”

Jared threw his arms up into the air and pierced Evan with an icy glare. “If it wasn’t for me, you would’ve never met Connor, none of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me!” He was almost hysterical now, and Jared’s normally laid-back, teasing voice was tight..

“I d-didn’t want to g-go to that concert, I didn’t want to meet Connor, I-I didn’t  _ want _ a-any of this!”

Everything went silent, and Evan realized what he just said. Jared looked at him with his mouth hanging open, and Evan gaped like a fish out of water. He tried to choke out that he didn’t mean that, he didn’t mean to say that, but his throat had closed off. Jared shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.

“What. The fuck?” Jared gasped. “What does that mean? Have you been messing with him or something? Using him? Like you did with  _ me _ ?!” Jared screamed, and Evan wanted to yell, wanted to shout that no, no it wasn’t true, but nothing was coming out.

Jared paused for a breath, shooting daggers with his eyes. “Fuck you, Evan,” he growled, before turning away and storming off down the hallway. “Asshole!” 

Evan shut the door quietly with trembling fingers. He tugged at a piece of his hair, and blinked back tears that were threatening to form in his eyes. What the hell had just happened?

_ ‘You drove away your best friend, while insulting your boyfriend, all in one big swoop. Congratulations, Evan. You really screwed this one up.’ _

Evan trudged his way down to the kitchen, his heart pounding against his ribcage. He stepped inside the dimly lit room, to see Connor standing there, leaning up against the counter, still as a statute. The silence in the room was deafening, filling the air with soundless screams.

The pit in his stomach turned into a bottomless hole.

Connor didn’t look mad. He looked blank. As if someone had taken an eraser and rubbed it all over his face, leaving him emotionless and pale. The only signs to prove that he wasn’t a corpse, were the clenching of his fists and the fury building up in his eyes.

“C-Connor! How much, d-did you- uh- did you-um-” Evan couldn’t form the words, and his throat closed off again. Every sound was heightened, every move was exaggerated. It felt as if all of Evan’s senses had doubled in a split-second, and he was hyper-aware of every little thing. How could he be so  _ stupid,  _ Connor was standing literally thirty feet away from him,  _ of course  _ he could hear every word.

“Was that true,” Connor said flatly, taking a step towards Evan. Evan had never seen him like this before. When Connor got mad, he screamed, and ripped things, and saw red. Now, he just looked hollow, as if someone had scooped out his insides and replaced them with rocks. “Was that  _ true? _ ”

Evan couldn’t say anything. He wanted to open his mouth, and stutter out apologies, and say  _ no, no it’s not true, I love you, I love you,  _ but he couldn’t do it.  _ He couldn’t do it.  _

His hands flew to the hem of his polo, and he began to tug furiously at the fabric, gripping it between his fists. Usually, whenever he got nervous and started to play with the shirt, Connor would grab his hands, moving them away from his body. He would squeeze them tightly, and tell him to not do that, he’ll wreck his clothes. Evan would say that his shirts were ugly anyways, and Connor would kiss him, and tell him that they were cute, and very Evan-ish. Evan would smile, and play with Connor’s fingers instead of ripping the fabric. That’s what they did. That’s their  _ thing.  _

Connor wasn’t grabbing his hands now.

“Of course.” Connor nodded matter-of-factly. “Of fucking  _ course.  _ It was wasn’t it? You’ve just been messing with me the entire time? Is that what you’ve been doing?” Connor’s eyes flashed, and he moved even closer to Evan. “Is this a game to you?! Was this whole thing just a lie?!”

“C-C-Connor- I can’t- I d-don’t-”

Connor laughed manically, and wrapped his arms around his stomach. His voice lowered, and Evan felt sick. “What were you trying to do, Hansen? Watch the fucking freak freak out? Use me like  _ every other fucking person?  _ Did you think that it was  _ fun  _ to mess with me like that?” They were nose-to-nose now, and if this was a movie, this would be the moment where they would start passionately kissing, sparks flying in anger. But that’s not how it works in real life. In real life, things aren’t fixed in seconds with a kiss.

Evan wished it could be that simple.

“Hansen. Answer me.”

Connor’s eyes were glossy, as if one more wrong move would shatter them to pieces; brown and blue shards of glass flying through the air. There was something shiny on his cheeks, which didn’t make sense at all, because Connor didn’t cry, so there was no way they were  _ tears,  _ right?

“Get out of my fucking house.”

Evan couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. “C-Connor, j-j-just, just w-wait-”

“GET OUT!” Connor slammed his fists on his counter, sending a bowl of fruit flying. An apple rolled to Evan’s feet, and he wanted to smash it with his sneaker. “LEAVE!” Connor grabbed Evan’s sweater that he had left there earlier that day, and balled it up, throwing it at Evan. It hit him square in the chest, and even though it weighed practically nothing, Evan staggered backwards, feeling as if someone had just plunged a knife into his chest. Connor was still screaming, and Evan clutched the sweater even tighter to his body, listening to his thoughts go  _ you fucked up, look what you’ve done, Connor hates you, Connor  _ **_hates_ ** _ you- _

Connor stopped abruptly, and he gritted his teeth together. “Go.” His voice cracked, and he was refusing to look at Evan. “Just go.”

Tears streaming down his face, Evan turned and ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y i k e s
> 
> that escalated quickly
> 
> even though Jared's been acting weird for awhile now, the thing with Connor just kind of came out of nowhere, but we all know that Connor has trust issues, and overhearing your boyfriend saying that he didn't want to meet you probably didn't help him
> 
> bear with me though, it will get better
> 
> also, I don't think I've mentioned this before, but my tumblr is @seconddegreeburns if you wanted to check me out and scream about musicals with me!!
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading, and as always, please leave a comment or kudos because they make me sososo happy!!! <333


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we goooooo
> 
> we have some long overdue connor pov here
> 
> thank you for the reaction the last chapter got (y'all were NOT happy:)), and thank you for 3000 hits?!?1
> 
> warning for implied past self harm (it's barely there, just kind of subconsciously hinted at, but just to be sure!)

**_Group message with Zoe, Alana, Connor <3, Living Meme and Me_ **

**Zoe:** are you guys okay up there??

 **Zoe:** we heard screaming

**_You have been removed from the conversation._ **

**********

Connor could hear the click of the door from behind him, and he let out a choked sob, grasping bunches of hair in between his fists. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he left them there, because really, what was the point of wiping them off?

Two dings came from his phone, and Connor grabbed it with shaking hands, seeing that Zoe had texted on the group chat. Not even bothering to check the messages, he removed Evan from the conversation, and hurled his phone at the wall with a ear-shattering, wordless scream that echoed in the cold air.

He leaned back against the wall and slid to the floor, burying his head in his knees, letting the world go dark. His wrists were itching, and he wanted to break things and yell at people, let everyone know that Connor Murphy was the freak that people has always insisted he was. He wanted the feelings to go away, he wanted to _stop crying, damnit._

Connor slammed his fists on the ground over and over, keeping his eyes squeezed shut, because if he opened them, he would see Evan. Evan was everywhere. He was in the blue nail polish that Connor would never wear in a million years, but had bought as soon as Evan had told him that blue was his favourite colour, just in case Evan ever wanted his nails painted. He was in the songs that Connor wrote in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep, the songs that Connor would never show anyone, because they made him sound like some sort of sappy, lovesick puppy. Hell, even the apartment smelt like him, that sweet honey scent that seemed to follow Evan everywhere he went.

Connor didn’t want to see Evan anymore.

So, he kept his eyes shut, ignoring the ringing of his phone, ignoring the knocking at his door, ignoring the hushed whispers that were prying at his brain. He wished they would go away.

“Connor? Connor, are you okay?”

Connor didn’t answer.

“I’m coming in.”

“Fuck _off,_ Zoe.” Their might’ve been a time, that when he said that, it would’ve sent her running away, hiding between doors and walls, cowering in the back of a closet. But Connor’s voice broke on his sister’s name, and the creak of hinges alerted him that Zoe wasn’t going to listen.

Which made something in his heart swell, even though it felt like shattering into a million pieces.

“Oh my god, what happened?” He could hear the surprise in her voice, and he tilted his head up ever so slightly, so that she could see his puffy eyes and tear-stained face.

“Fucking _Evan,_ ” Connor managed to spit out, before Zoe rushed over and sat next to him. She wrapped her arms around him, and let him dissolve into angry sobs, whispering words that were probably meant to be comforting in his ear, but nothing was really helping at this point.

“What happened?” she murmured softly, so that Connor could pretend not to hear her if he didn’t want to.

Connor ran a hand through his knotty hair, and clenched his jaw. “He and Jared were in a fight or something, I don’t really know, and all of sudden, he starts yelling about how he never wanted to meet me, and that he never wanted any of _this._ ” He gestured around the room on the word ‘this,’ as if to indicate their whole relationship. “He didn’t even try to deny it either.” Connor let out a tight laugh.

“Jesus Christ,” she said, hugging him closer. “I’m so sorry, Con.” Connor scratched at his nail polish, and leaned his head against his sister’s shoulder. “You’re, uh, you’re way better off without him anyway?”

Neither of them believed that for a second.

They sat there for a few moments, and Connor wiped his eyes with the corner of his hoodie, trying to make it look like he hadn’t been crying. Zoe bit her lip, and drew back a bit, pushing up off of one knee and standing above her brother.

“Do you, uh, wanna watch movies and eat ice cream or something?” she said, extending a hand out to him.

Connor’s lips twitched at her offer. When they were little, if Zoe had been having a bad day or if their parents had been fighting again, he would always sneak her favourite flavour of ice cream up to his room, and they would watch movies together until she felt better. Connor thought that she had forgotten about that, cancelled out by screaming and banging on doors. “Yeah. Yeah, I do,” he sighed, grabbing her hand and pulling himself up.

She grinned, relieved. “Cool. You can pick it out?”

“Okay.”

Zoe went to his freezer and pulled out the chocolate ice cream that she knew he always had hidden, and two spoons. Connor watched her, and picked at his nails, debating whether to say anything or not.

“Zo?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thank you.”

She didn’t say anything, just gave him a real, genuine smile, and offered him a bowl.

They sat down on the couch, and Connor chose some Disney movie with lots of singing, belting out the lyrics through mouthfuls of ice cream with Zoe and forcing out laughs at appropriate times.

He didn’t think about how Evan always picked Disney movies.

He didn’t think about Evan humming along to whatever song was playing, because he knew every single soundtrack.

He didn’t think about Evan’s laugh when he pretended to fall asleep on him, just so that Evan would play with his hair.

He didn’t think about the hollow feeling that was spreading in his chest.

**********

Evan was running.

He didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to get away from Jared, from Connor, from everything that he had managed to screw up in under twenty minutes. His legs were aching and his lungs were burning, but he kept running, letting wind cut into his wet eyes.

Evan eventually found an old, collapsing bench in the middle of some abandoned park and he fell on it, clutching his sweater close to his body. It was the hoodie that he had stole from Connor weeks ago, and tears started to prick at the corners of his eyes just thinking about it.

How could’ve he _done_ that? He knew what Connor was like, he knew how Connor thought. Evan didn’t blame Connor one bit for kicking him out of his house. Evan was the worst boyfriend ever.

Or, ex-boyfriend.

There was a lump in his throat and a churning in his stomach that Evan recognized as bad signs, and he didn’t feel like bursting into uncontrollable tears in the middle of nowhere. He really didn’t want to do this, but it was really his only option at this point.

_“Hey hey hey! You’ve reached the Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman, but I can’t come to the phone right now, or I’m just ignoring you, so leave a message after the beep and I’ll call you back. Actually, I probably won’t, but that’s what people say at the end of voicemails, right?”_

Jared’s voice cut off, and the answering machine clicked. Evan didn’t even bother to leave a message, instead shutting his phone off and standing up on shaking legs. He wrapped the jacket around him and zipped it up, even though it offered no protection from the chilly November air. Evan had no idea where he was, but he started to walk back the way that he came, squeezing his arms around himself.

It took Evan two and a half hours to find his way back to his apartment, and Evan felt like collapsing on the lobby floor. Around the one hour mark, his phone died, and one hour and forty-five minutes in, he had started crying again, because _everything was such a mess, he was such a mess, why does he always have to screw everything up?_

Evan tried to open the door, but the handle wouldn’t turn, and he knocked on the door lightly. “J-Jared?” he whispered, reaching a hand up to wipe his nose. “Jared, _p-please._ ”

“Go hang out with your boyfriend or something, I don’t care.” The voice came through the wood, and it was quiet and close, making it sound like Jared had been waiting for him.

“I c-can’t,” Evan sniffed.

“What does that mean.” Jared didn’t really ask it as a question.

“He b-broke- he broke up- he-”

The door flung open, stopping Evan’s stuttering, and Jared looked out at him. His glasses were askew, as if he had just shoved them back on his face, and his eyes and nose were red. “Connor broke up with you,” he said flatly, opening the door a little more, and letting Evan walk into the apartment.

Evan nodded, and stared down at the floor. He wanted to apologize to Jared, fix at least one of his broken relationships, but he didn’t know _how._

Jared frowned. “I’m guessing he heard what you said.”

Another nod.

“Did you mean that?”

Evan shook his head furiously, and played with the strings of his hoodie, opening his mouth. “Ja-Jared, I’m, I’m s-sorry. About e-everything”

Jared paused for a moment. “Okay.”

Evan furrowed his brow. _What’s that supposed to mean?_ “O-Okay?”

“Okay.” Jared crossed his arms. “Just okay. I don’t hate you, but you still did what you did, whether you want me to tell you that or not. You can’t change that now.”

“I k-know, and I didn’t mean f-for it to happen-”

Jared sighed. “I know you didn’t. But that doesn’t mean that everything’s fucking peachy now. So, okay. It’s okay for now.”

Evan didn’t really understand what Jared was trying to tell him, but he nodded furiously, and blinked. “I t-think I’m, uh, g-going to go to bed now.” Jared just pursed his lips and tipped his head slightly, turning away from Evan.

He walked down the hall as fast as he could, closing the door to his room and creating a barrier between him and the world. He breathed out a sigh, and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to pretend that this was all some sort of terrible dream, and in a few seconds he’d wake up in Connor’s arms.

It was a nice fantasy while it lasted.

Evan walked over to his bed and flopped down, accidentally squishing something soft underneath his back. He reached behind him, and pulled out a brown teddy bear. The lump that was rapidly growing in his throat doubled in size as he looked at it’s scrunched-up face, remembering the day he had gotten it.

_It was around a month ago, sometime in October, and Connor dragged the five of them to some sort of fall fair in the middle of nowhere. It was cold outside, and Evan had been shivering the entire time, well, until Connor gave him his sweater and wrapped an arm around his waist. Then, Evan got a warm feeling burning in his stomach, and he blushed a bright red, to match the colour of leaves that were hanging from the trees._

_Jared was complaining about the games that they had at fairs like these, and that were rigged so that no one could win. Connor disagreed, and they somehow ended up at one of those stands that you had to knock down a tower of heavy blocks with a baseball, with Connor saying that he could knock them all down in one try, and Jared smirking, telling him that if he could, he would make him his famous blueberry muffins._

_Connor had knocked them all down with one ball, leaving everywhere staring at him, shocked._

_“That’s from throwing all those printers at teachers,” Connor deadpanned, taking a teddy bear from the person at the stand. Zoe smacked his shoulder, telling him that he shouldn’t say stuff like that, but Connor just laughed, and gave the bear to Evan. “Here you go,” he smiled, as Evan hugged the bear to his chest. “He’s cute, like you.”_

_Evan buried his face in Connor’s shoulder and grinned._

_They had spent the rest of the day walking around, sipping hot apple cider and looking at fall decorations. At the end of the day, Connor pulled out a Polaroid camera from his bag, and insisted that they all get a picture in front of this creepy-looking scarecrow. Evan wrapped his arms around Connor and grinned at the random old lady that had offered to take their picture because they ‘seemed like such a sweet group of kids!’_

_Later that night, Connor asked Evan if he wanted to stay over, and Evan had agreed, fiddling with the tip of the bear’s hair, which they had decided to call Aspen. Connor petted its head, and said that it could be their child, which made Evan blush for what had seemed like the hundredth time that day._

_Connor’s bedroom had been very different since the last time Evan had saw it. Usually, they ended up just crashing on the couch whenever Evan slept over, and because of that, Evan hadn’t actually got a chance to look around since the first time he had stayed there. There were little trinkets spread around on his dresser, and Evan recognized a few, like a rock from the time they had went to the beach while it had been pouring rain-Connor’s idea- and even the receipt from their first date. There were cinnamon-bun scented candles everywhere, making the room smell delicious, and Evan giggled a little. Instead of the few framed pictures of Connor and Zoe that had been scattered around the room, there was a huge bulletin board covered with photos of everything and anything. Rain, the skyline outside of Connor’s kitchen window, Connor and Zoe onstage, and Evan. Evan was there more than anything else. Leaning against a tree, drinking lemonade, smiling from Connor’s couch while he stared at something that the camera didn’t capture._

_Evan moved closer, and touched a picture, one of the two of them asleep on his couch that Jared must’ve taken at one point._

_“What do you think?”_

_Evan jumped, and turned to see Connor standing behind him with his arms crossed. “I can take them down if you don’t-.”_

_“No! N-No, I like it! It’s, uh, it’s really cool.”_

_“Oh. Uh, good.” Connor reached around Evan, and stuck another picture on the board, the one of the five of them from that day. Jared was sticking his tongue out, Alana and Zoe were laughing, and Evan was waving and smiling with one arm, the other clutching the bear to his chest. The only one not looking at the camera was Connor, who was staring at Evan with a half-smile on his face._

_Evan hummed, and surveyed the board again. “Why, um, why am I u-up there so m-much?”_

_Connor rolled his eyes fondly and pulled Evan into a hug. “Because you make me happy, duh,” he whispered, dancing his fingertips across Evan’s jaw, causing him to shiver._

_“I m-make you… happy?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“You, uh, y-you make me h-happy, too.”_

_“You’re such a dork,” Connor teased, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck. “But I love you.”_

_Evan grinned. “I love you too.”_

Evan smiled a bit at the memory, trying to forget about the tears that were welling up in his eyes. He squeezed the bear into his body, and shut his eyes, hoping that when he woke up, Jared would be yelling at him to take his meds, there would be a good morning text from Connor, and everything would be how it was on that day, when everything was okay.

Evan wondered if the pictures would still be up on Connor’s wall by tomorrow, or if they would be shredded, tiny slices of memories scattered across the floor like grains of sand.

**********

No one really slept that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh goodness
> 
> zoe's just a good sister, Jared's still pissed, and evan and connor are sad:(
> 
> (I haven't forgot about alana, don't worry, she comes in soon!)
> 
> also, y'all are getting a bonus chapter either tomorrow or Tuesday, because it's shorter than the rest, and kind of a necessary filler, and we'll be back to the normal update schedule on Wednesday! that being said-
> 
> next chapter: smartphone hour:)
> 
> go check me out on tumblr @seconddegreeburns because I really need friends :D
> 
> thank you all so much for reading! leave a comment if you want, because they make my day so much better! I love you all, and have a great day<3


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smartphone hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this was supposed to be like a really short chapter that only had a few phone conversations and some texting conversations, but then it kind of turned into A Thing, so that's cool I guess?
> 
> this chapter is kinda different from my other ones though, it's really dialogue heavy and most of it is done over the phone:)

**_Breaking News:_ ** _Anonymous source reports the breakup of Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen?!_

 **_Breaking News:_ ** _Trouble in paradise for Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy?_

 **_Breaking News:_ ** _Unnamed source reports seeing Hansen running out of Murphy’s apartment late last night, and that Murphy has blocked Hansen on all social media. Neither were available for comment._

_**********_

**_Group message with: Sis, Lana, and Me_ **

**Zoe:** have you seen the news con?

 **Zoe:** or looked out the window.

 **Me:** no shit

 **Me:** alana, can you do anything?

 **Lana:** I haven’t said anything yet, but I’ve been getting calls all morning. What do you want me to tell everyone?

 **Me:** whatever you have to do to get them away from my fucking apartment

 **Me:** i dont think i can deal with this now

 **Me:** im sorry

 **Lana:** Of course, Connor.

 **Zoe:** how’re you doing?

 **Lana:** Me and Zoe can totally go beat him up if you want us to.

 **Me:** very funny

 **Me:** but no

 **Me:** ill be fine

 **Zoe:** you sure?

 **Me:** yeah

**********

 **_Breaking News:_ ** _Alana Beck confirms that rumours are true, and that Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen have officially broken up. Click link below for more._  


_**********_

_@connormurphy has blocked you on Instagram_

_@cmurphy has blocked you on Twitter_

_@thisisnotconnormurphy is unavailable to chat_

_This number cannot be reached at this time. Please try again later._

_**********_

**_Incoming call from: No Caller ID_ **

“Hello, this is Alana Beck, manager of ‘For Forever,’ how may I help you?

_“Hi, Ms Beck! This is Star Magazine, and we were wondering if Connor Murphy was available for an interview about his recent breakup with Evan Hansen?’_

Alana poured fake sympathy into her voice for what felt like the millionth time that day. “No, I’m sorry, he’s unable to do any interviews right now. Thank you for calling.” She hung up the phone and pressed the heels of her palms into her temples, groaning when the phone rang again.

“Hello, Alana Beck speaking, how may I help you?”

_“Hello, Ms Beck, this is CNN entertainment, and we would like to invite Connor Murphy to do an interview to talk about his breakup with Evan-”_

“Sorry, he can’t do any interviews at the time, thank you for calling.” Alana hit the off button yet again, and nearly cried when it rang for the third time.

_“Yes?”_

_“Hi, is this Alana Beck? We were wondering if C-”_

“Wrong number,” Alana growled. She slammed the phone down, and dug her fingers into the roots of her hair, exhausted.

“You okay, Lana?” Two arms wrapped around Alana’s shoulders, and Alana leaned back into Zoe’s embrace.

She shook her head, and huffed out a breath of air, squeezing her eyes shut. “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day, and they keep _calling,_ and I’m supposed to be _good_ at this job, dammit, not yelling at people over the phone.”

Zoe rested her chin on Alana’s shoulder. “Um, excuse you, you’re the best manager-girlfriend I’ve ever had, thank you very much.”

“I’m the only manager-girlfriend you’ve ever had.”

That too.” Zoe giggled a little, and lowered her voice. “You don’t have to be perfect all the time, you know that right?”

Alana smiled sadly. “It’s more complicated than that, Zo.”

“I know.” Zoe took one look at her open laptop, that had two hundred and seventeen emails needing to be read, and reached out, pushing the top down with one finger. “Come cuddle with me,” she pleaded, pressing a kiss to Alana’s jaw.

“I wish I could, but I have to reply-”

“Please?” Zoe looked at her girlfriend with huge puppy-dog eyes, and something in Alana melted. She let herself be pulled over to the couch, and Zoe jumped down next to her, intertwining their legs together.

“It’s just,” Alana hesitated, biting her lip. “It’s just that everything was going good, we were going to do more with the project, and now- well, what happens next?”

“Connor and Evan are big kids, they’ll figure it out,” Zoe said, absentmindedly playing with the tips of Alana’s hair.

“They better,” Alana sighed.

Zoe smiled. “I love you so fucking much, Lana.”

“Love you too, Zo.”

**********

**_Incoming call from: Mom <3_ **

“H-hello?”

“Sweetie, oh my goodness, I’ve been trying to call you for two days, what on earth happened?” Heidi said all of this in one breath, and Evan flinched, pushing himself up into a cross-legged position from his spot on his bed that he hadn’t left in thirty-six hours. “I saw the news, and you wouldn’t answer my calls, how _are_ you, what _happened,_ did that boy hurt you, I swear to-”

“M-Mom, stop.”

“-Evan, I’ll fly out to New York if you need me to, just tell me and-”

“M-Mom!”

Heidi cut off abruptly, and sighed. “Baby, you can talk to me if you need, you know that right?”

“It, it w-wasn’t Connor’s fault,” Evan whispered, choking on his words.

“What?”

“It was m-mine.” Evan was not crying, _he was not crying._

“Oh, _honey.”_

Evan hated the way that her voice went quiet, he hated the way that she sounded disappointed in him, he hated that he was such a screw-up of a son.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

He really didn’t, but once he opened his mouth, the whole story came spilling out from between his lips. Heidi listened as he blurted out what happened, adding in small ‘mhmm’s’ and ‘I see’s’ whenever Evan took a breath.

“I-I messed up so bad, Mom, and I don’t know, know what to _d-do,”_ Evan finished, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. His mom was silent, and Evan’s heart plummeted to the bottom of his stomach.

“Sweetie, you’re going to have to find a way to try and talk to him.”

Evan sniffed, and squeezed his eyes shut. “I _k-know,_ but he won’t a-answer any of my calls, or t-texts, or _anything.”_

“Why don’t you just go and talk to him face-to-face, honey?” Heidi offered, and Evan winced.

“Yeah, uh, maybe,” he mumbled, twisting his shoelace between his thumb and index finger. His stomach churned at the thought of going back there.

“Shit, I’ve gotta run,” Heidi cursed, lowering her voice. “I love you, Evan, and call me later, okay?”

“O-Okay,” Evan lied, pressing his lips into a straight line. “Love you, t-too.”

_Click._

Evan didn’t want to go back to Connor’s. He didn’t want to see the mess he had made, he didn’t want to see the fire that had flickered in Connor’s eyes. He’d already hurt Connor enough, what was the point of making it even worse?

Shoving his earphones into his ears, Evan stared up at the ceiling, and let soft music wash over his body.

It took him three minutes into the second song to realize that he was listening to the first album that ‘For Forever’ released.

Evan didn’t know whether to scream or sob.

  
**********

**_You are calling: Acorn’s Boyfriend_ **

“What the fuck do you want, Kleinman?”

“Wow, aren’t we a ball of sunshine this morning?” Jared chuckled, but his heart really wasn’t in it. He propped his feet up on his desk, and leaned back in his chair. “How’s it going, Murphy?”

“Not in the mood.”

“Okay then,” Jared sighed, running his teeth over his bottom lip. “No small talk?”

“You know I fucking hate small talk,” Connor snorted. “Why’re you calling me?”

“Evan.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Listen to me first, Murphy” Jared snapped, and Connor went silent. “He’s bad. Like worse than he’s been in a really long time. Like, hasn’t-left-his-room-in-a-week bad.”

There was no reply.

Jared pressed on. “He’s spent the past six days locked in his room listening to _your fucking music-_ which is either really sad, or really creepy, I don’t know- and he won’t do anything. You need to talk to him, yell at him, forgive him, do _something,_ ‘cause I really can’t deal with this right now.”

“ _You_ can’t deal with this right now?!” Connor hissed, and Jared could practically taste the venom through the phone. “How do you think _I’m_ fucking feeling? My _boyfriend_ basically said that he was messing with me this entire time, and hasn’t even tried to come and talk to me since then!”

The line went silent for a moment, and Jared let out a dry chuckle. “My best friend ditched me for his boyfriend that he said he had been messing with, and then proceeded to shut himself in his room, pretending to be asleep every time I try to talk to him.”

They both burst out into laughter, and tears were running down Jared’s cheeks, making him laugh even harder for some reason. “Aren’t we fucking hilarious?” Connor snickered, and Jared nodded even though Connor couldn’t see him, wiping his face with his sleeve.

Connor lowered his voice. “But, seriously, you should talk to him. Even if he’s an asshole, he doesn’t deserve to be alone right now.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to me, “ Jared mumbled, feeling his heart twist as he said it, because he knew it was true. “He wants you.”

“No,” he murmured. “No, he really doesn’t.”

“Murphy-”

Connor’s voice was small. “What did I do wrong?”

Jared felt guilty, as if he had heard something that he shouldn’t of. “You didn’t do anything-”

“Whatever.” His walls were back up, his voice was cold again. “I should go. But listen, talk to him, okay? Make sure he’s okay.”

“Yeah- uh, okay, I will, but-”

“And make sure he takes his meds, too.” There was something in Connor’s voice that Jared couldn’t quite place, but it made his eyebrows shoot up.

“Wait-”

“I’ll see you later, Jared.”

The line went dead before Jared could process that Connor had called him by his name for the first time.

**********

Connor threw his phone onto his bed, and picked up the pair of scissors that he had had in his hands before, turning back towards the wall of pictures, putting the conversation with Jared behind him. Evan would be fine without Connor. He didn’t want him anyways, so why should Connor keep those stupid pictures hanging happily on his wall, as if nothing had happened?

He plucked a photo off the wall, and held it up to his eyes, feeling his heart clench. It was one of Evan that Connor had taken while they were sitting at the top of an oak tree in the orchard, with Evan smiling and staring at the sunset. That picture had been Connor’s favourite, because Evan just looked so damn _happy,_ looking out over the world like nothing could scare him. He would always tease Evan, and say that he should take up modeling, making Evan blush and lightly smack him with whatever was nearest to them at the time.

Not anymore.

Connor took the scissors, and poised them right over the paper, ready to cut Evan’s perfect freckles into shreds, picture after picture of memories, of moments, destroyed. He could do it. He could do it.

He couldn’t do it.

Connor screamed in frustration, and spread his fingers, letting the scissors clatter to the floor, letting the picture float down like a feather in a breeze. He reached up, and his hands clawed at the edge of the board until he could get a good grip, and he yanked the board down. It smashed onto the floor, and Connor screamed again, not caring who heard him.

He didn’t want to do interviews, or write breakup songs, or pour his heart out to America, letting them know about _crazy Connor Murphy, and isn’t that just terrible?_ He wanted to break something or scream until his throat felt raw. He wanted to cry until he had no tears left, and sleep for the next three years.

Bits of paper whirled around him, and Connor sucked in deep breath after deep breath, trying to reign in some control. Nothing was working, and Connor hated it. He hated how the pictures made his heart ache, hated how he wanted to pick up the phone and call Evan, hated how he had let someone in, and was _happy_ , only to be _wrong_ about them, _again._

Connor hated a lot of things.

But he couldn’t hate Evan.

_Why couldn't he hate Evan?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor cares, evan cares, zoe and Alana are important people, jared is conflicted and Heidi is just trying to help 
> 
> okay, I promise this'll be resolved one way or another soon, and I'm sorry for dragging this out for so long!
> 
> even though I'm having a great time doing it:)
> 
> anyways, next chapter will be out either tomorrow or Thursday
> 
> check out my tumblr @seconddegreeburns if you wanna see a lot of stuff about musicals!!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and leave a comment if you want, because I love hearing what you think about this so far and they make me smile so much<3


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something bad(good?) is happening...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOah, I'm so sorry for not updating, but I've been having a really bad week, school is The Worst, and this chapter was the hardest to write by far.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of past domestic violence

**_You have one new message from: Jared_ **

**Jared:** evan, unlock your door

**Me:** I’m trxing to sleeop.

**Jared:** its five pm

**Jared:** open your fucking door

**Jared:** please

**Jared:** ugh i hate that word

**********

Evan darted across the room and switched the lock to the left with a small click, rushing back to his bed nervously. He sat on the messed-up covers, crossing his legs and fiddling with a hole in his sock. This was the conversation that he’s been avoiding for over a week, the one where Jared tells him that he changed his mind and that he hates him, and that he’s kicking him out, and that-

_ Breathe. _

Evan sucked in a deep breath, accidentally choking when too much oxygen filled his lungs, because really, only Evan would end up choking on  _ air  _ at a time like this _.  _ He let out a little cough, and the door creaked open, Jared’s face poking in.

“Hey,” Jared muttered, making his way over to where Evan was sitting. Evan just nodded, refusing to look up, because he saw on Discovery Channel once that animals are most likely to attack you when you look straight into their eyes, and Evan figured that that information might be useful here. Not that Jared was an animal. Evan just didn’t want to be attacked. Or yelled at. Or even looked at right now. He started unconsciously picking at his nails, at habit that Connor always did when he was nervous or worried.

Jared cleared his throat, and Evan winced, waiting for the inevitable. “I wanted to say sorry.”

_ Wait. _

_ What? _

Jared must’ve seen the confused look on the blond’s face out of the corner of his eye, because he turned to him and gnawed on the inside of his cheek. “What I mean to say, is that I was-I  _ am- _ a pretty big dick, and I’m sorry. For everything.”

Evan started to apologize, telling Jared that it wasn’t his fault, and Evan was just a terrible friend, but Jared spread his hands out in front of him to cut him off. “Just listen, okay? Yeah, you suck for ignoring me, but I, uh, I kind of deserved it.” Jared let out a weak chuckle. “I should’ve just told you how I was feeling, instead, instead of shutting you out.”

Evan’s stomach twisted at the broken expression on Jared’s face, because Jared  _ never  _ showed any emotion other than a sarcastic smirk or a snide grin. “No, n-no, it’s totally m-my fault, I shouldn’t of ignored, i-ignored you, and-”

“Cool it, Ev,” Jared hushed, adjusting his glasses. “Let me apologize, cause this is probably the only time it’s ever going to happen.” Evan closed his mouth and hesitantly nodded. “And I’m sorry for making fun of you, making you feel bad, whatever I did, I’m sorry. Also, uh, the whole “family friends” thing.”

“That w-was like, t-two years a-”

“I know, but still,” Jared shrugged. “I guess you were really my only friend-still are- and I didn’t know how deal with it, other than being an asshole.”

“You weren’t an asshole,” Evan said automatically.

“Yeah, I was.”

“O-Okay, maybe a l-little,” Evan giggled, relieved when Jared laughed too. “But- but I was a t-terrible friend, and I’m s-so, so sorry.”

“Friends again?”

“R-Really?” 

Jared grinned. “‘Course.”

_ “Yes,”  _ Evan beamed, the pressure that had been residing in his chest releasing a little. He reached out his fingers slowly, knowing that Jared wasn’t exactly a huggy-type person, and Jared grabbed his hand, shaking it gently.

The atmosphere in the room felt different now, not just from how it was a few minutes ago, but different from what it had been for years. Instead of the underlying nerves and tense feelings that always seemed to poke at their interactions, there was more of an  _ understanding,  _ kind of, like they both had been trying to do a puzzle, but were missing a piece, and they couldn’t seem to figure out the whole picture without it. 

“So, tell Jared all about your boy problems,” Jared smirked, leaning back on the heels of his hands, and Evan sighed.

“I kn-know I need to talk to C-Connor, at l-least, but I’m s- _ scared _ ,” Evan confessed, whispering the last word and tugging the hem of his plain white T-shirt. “H-He  _ hates  _ me now, and I d-don’t blame him.”

Jared tugged a hand through his hair, and pursed his lips, as if he was debating whether or not to say anything. “Okay,” he sighed, leaning closer to Evan. “I can't speak for Connor or anything, but I know he doesn't hate you. I was talking to him-”

“W-Wait, what? You were t-talking to him?” Evan said in disbelief. “When? D-Did he come h-here?”

“No, I called him… a few days ago, I think?” Evan leaned back and frowned slightly. “But you need to go talk to him, okay? And soon.”

“S-Soon?” Evan’s chest tightened and he grasped a fistful of fabric between his fingers. 

“Yeah, like tonight soon.” Evan squeaked out a noise of protest, and Jared’s features softened. “Ev, the longer you put this off, the worse it’s gonna be.”

Evan knew that, but all he could think about was all the different ways that this could go wrong. Connor could ignore him, kick him out again, scream at him. And Evan honestly didn’t think that he could handle Connor yelling anymore. Even though he totally deserved it.

Jared saw his hesitation, and he tentatively placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Just trust me on this one. Seriously.”

Evan peered up through his eyelashes at Jared, who was looking at him with a serious, concerned expression. It was unnerving to see Jared’s forehead wrinkled and lips tightened like that. Jared quirked an eyebrow questioningly, and the blond sighed and nodded.

“Awesome,” Jared smirked, clapping Evan on the back, causing him to choke a little. He stood up, making his way towards the door, but stopped and turned back to Evan, wrinkling his nose.

“Uh, Hansen?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“When was the last time you had a shower?”

Evan cringed, and his hand reached up to his greasy mop of hair. He honestly couldn’t remember; the past few days had kind of turned into one big, pathetic blur of ice cream and breakup songs.

Jared grinned a little, and leaned against the wall. “Yeah, you might wanna do that.”

Evan let out a breathy laugh, and pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, debating whether to say anything or not. “J-Jared?”

“Hm.”

“T-Thank you. For, uh, for e-everything.” 

Jared smiled softly, which was, once again, unnerving to see. “What are friends for, am I right, Hansen?” He shot Evan some slightly awkward finger guns, and strided out the room, leaving the knot that had set up permanent residence in his chest to loosen ever-so-slightly.

**********

“You doing okay, Hansen?”

Evan’s head snapped up from the intense activity of staring at his nails. “Yeah, totally, I’m fine, whywouldn’tIbefine?”

Jared glanced out the window, and tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel twice. “We’ve, um, we’ve been parked here for five minutes, and you haven’t moved or anything.”

He laughed nervously, and twirled a loose strand of damp hair around his finger. “Um, I w-was waiting for this s-song to be o-over?”

Jared gave him a strange look. “There’s no music playing.”

“Oh. Uh, r-right.” Evan let out a sigh, and placed his hand on the door handle, not quite opening it. “Jared-”

Jared groaned and reached across Evan, kicking the door open and pushing him out. “Jesus Christ, just tell him the truth and you’ll be fine.” 

Tell the truth.

Easier said than done.

Honestly, Evan didn’t know what was the truth was anymore.

Evan nodded through the glass, and Jared honked the horn, pulling away from the apartment building and peeling off down the street. Taking a deep breath, Evan glanced up at the darkening sky, before pushing open the door and stumbling towards the elevator. 

The entire ride to the top floor was filled with Evan wiping his sweaty palms on his khakis and adjusting his blue button-down. It was the first time that he had worn something other sweatpants in over a week, and the material felt itchy and stiff against his legs. The elevator dinged, and Evan stepped out, trying to calm his shaky body.

There was music blaring from Connor’s apartment, so loud that Evan thought that he might get away with the “he didn’t answer the door” excuse, but, much to his dismay or relief-Evan didn’t really know- the music switched off, and the door swung open.

‘Oh.”

Connor looked… well, Connor looked like shit. His hair looked like he hadn’t brushed it in days, and there were huge, dark bags under his eyes.. His nail polish was messy, splattered across his hands as if he had just dipped the tips of his fingers into the bottle, which was strange, because Connor always made sure that no nail polish ever got on his skin. But, worst of all was the scowl that had spread across his face as soon as he saw Evan. 

“What are you fucking doing here?”

Evan winced at his harsh tone, and stared down at his shoes. “I w-wanted to, um, to t-talk to you?” Something flickered across Connor’s face, and a spark shot through Evan, but he thought he must’ve imagined it, because the brunet’s features immediately hardened. He looked as if he was about to say no, and Evan’s fingers twitched nervously, drumming against his thigh. “P-Please?”

Connor’s lips twisted, and he wordlessly stalked off, leaving the door open in what Evan hoped was some sort of invitation to come in. He stepped through the threshold, and closed the door behind him quietly, wiping his feet on the ‘Fuck You’ mat that Connor had bought online.

Connor’s apartment looked even worse than Connor did. There was pillows, blankets, towels, basically anything you would find in a closet of a normal house strewn across the floor, and Evan gingerly stepped over them, following Connor into the kitchen. Plates, glasses and cutlery were stacked on every flat surface, and there was a full bottle of pills lying on it’s side on the counter that made Evan’s stomach churn.

“Um, C-Connor?” Connor didn’t reply, just crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, letting stray pieces of hair fall into his eyes. “Have you, uh, b-been taking y-your m-m-medicine? It’s just, that’s, uh, that’syourpillbottleandit’sfulland-”

Connor cut Evan off. “Why do you care anyway.” His voice was void of emotion.

Evan winced, and glanced up. “B-Because you need to, uh, t-take it? And. I, uh c-care about you?”

Connor snorted, staring intently at his hands, refusing to give an answer.

“So, uh, can w-we, um, t-talk?”

“Thought that’s what we were doing right now, Hansen.” 

Evan swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the dry feeling scratching at his throat. “I m-mean, like seriously?”

The taller man arched an eyebrow, but said nothing, and Evan pressed on, hiding his shaking hands in his pockets. “Um, I j-just wanted to, uh, to tell you f-first of all, I’m really, r-really sorry, and I never t-to hurt y-you like that. B-But, um,” Evan stuttered, taking a deep breath, “what I-I said, a-about how I didn’t want t-this, uh, it was t-true?”

Connor’s heart sunk, and he scoffed in the back of his throat. Did this kid honestly come here just to shove it in Connor’s face? “Yeah, I fucking got that the first time,” Connor growled, his fists clenching together. “Did you feel the fucking need to-”

“N-No! Just, just  _ listen  _ to m-me, Connor, d-dammit,” Evan pleaded, and Connor’s mouth snapped shut in surprise. “I didn’t a-ask for this, I d-didn’t want to have a p-panic attack in a bathroom. I didn’t want my face plastered everywhere, I n-never wanted  _ that.”  _ Connor’s face was blank, and Evan continued. “But, uh, but I, um, l-l-love you. And I w-wouldn’t change a-anything. E-Ever. And it’s worth it.” The room was enfolded into silence, and Evan kept his gaze fixated on Connor, who was hiding behind his hair, unable to see his reaction. “That’s, uh, t-that’s all,” Evan mumbled, the sudden burst of confidence that had come out of nowhere disappearing into thin air. 

For a moment, the room was like a graveyard, silent and tense. Connor’s face was still hidden, and thoughts were racing through Evan’s head at a mile a minute, his brain coming up with thousands of ways that this could end, none of them good.

Connor finally looked up, and a spark of hope shot through Evan’s heart. Something flashed in his eyes, and Connor slowly rolled his arms back, resting them on the counter behind him, somehow missing the mess that was spread around him. His lips were still pressed together in a straight line, and he had a confused expression on his face. Evan stayed quiet, staring at him.

Connor shot up abruptly, his arms swinging around to his sides. But he must’ve moved a little too quickly or something, Evan didn’t really know, because a stray glass flew off the counter, smashing onto the hard floor.

Evan squeaked, and scrambled backwards as tiny pieces of glass sprayed up from the floor, narrowly missing his legs. He pressed a hand to his pounding heart, taking a deep breath, and looking up at Connor.

Connor was staring at the glass with a shocked expression on his face, and his lips were moving soundlessly. “C-Connor? Connor, a-are you okay?”

This time, it was Connor’s turn to run out of the apartment as if it was on fire.

**********

Evan speed-walked down the streets, eyes taking in everything around him. Where would Connor go? He hadn’t taken his car, so there was no way to get to the orchard, or any of his other normal hiding spots. He wasn’t at Zoe’s apartment, and he wasn’t in the coffee shop down the road that he always said, “had really shitty service, but fucking good coffee.”

Evan turned left, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw a tall, slender figure sitting on a bench in the middle of a run-down park. He tentatively moved closer, coughing a little to let Connor know he was there. The brunet gave no indication that he had heard Evan, just kept his head tilted up towards the stars dangling in the sky. 

Evan sat down on the very edge, squirming uncomfortably.

A light breeze whipped through the park, rustling the branches on the trees and making the swing set creak. Evan wrapped his arms around himself to block out the cold and shivered, bracing himself against the chilly air. Connor still hadn’t moved, and Evan choked back all the words that were teetering on the edge of his tongue, forcing himself to let Connor talk when he was ready.

“You asked me once,” Connor said suddenly, making Evan jump. “You asked me once, how, uh, I got this scar?” He tapped his finger on his collarbone, and Evan nodded slowly, not really sure where this was going. 

“Um, okay,” Connor breathed, almost to himself. “Okay, so, around a year ago I was, uh, dating this guy, um, Thomas Oliver?” The bottom of Evan’s stomach dropped out, but he forced out a noise of understanding. “He’s the asshole who was there with Larry, that day at the recording studio. But, um, anyways, we met at a party, and stuff happened, I don’t think you want the fucking  _ details _ or anything, but let’s just say that he started to get really pissed off when I wouldn’t do stuff for him. Like, this was around the time that our band was starting to get,  _ popular _ and shit, I guess, and he’d only talk to me whenever he wanted me to talk to fucking Larry about trying to get him a recording contract or something, I don’t really know.” 

Evan shook his head gently, and curled his fingers around the edge of the bench. Connor turned towards Evan and looked at him in the eyes for the first time, his pale skin illuminated by starlight. “And I was so fucking naïve, that I just thought that’s how he was, you know? But then, one night, he was screaming about something, I- I don’t remember, and I said something back, and he got really mad, and threw a fucking glass at me.” Connor choked out a sarcastic laugh, and Evan’s eyes widened. “Yeah, um, anyway, that’s how I got it, and I don’t know why I just told you that, holy fucking shit, but… yeah.”

Evan swallowed down the bile that was rising in his throat. No  _ wonder  _ Connor got so pissed that day at the recording studio, no wonder he got so mad when he thought that Evan had been using him, no wonder that he had gotten so freaked out at smashing that glass back in the kitchen. His hands gripped at the edge of his shirt. “D-Does, uh, does Zoe or a-anyone know?”

Connor shook his head, and stared at the tips of his combat boots. “They know he was a huge dick, but, uh, not any of the other stuff.”

The night air lapsed back into silence, and Evan’s insides felt like they had melted together. He wanted to say  _ something,  _ but Evan had never been good with words. He slowly reached his hand out towards Connor’s limp one, and Connor grabbed it, squeezing his fingers lightly. 

“I’m so, s-so sorry, Con,” Evan mumbled, his vision blurring. Connor wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him closer so that they were leaning against each other.

“‘S okay,” Connor breathed, shoving his face into Evan’s hair.

“N-No, it’s not, I’m sorry, for  _ e-everything,  _ I m-messed up so b-bad, also, I’m going to f-freaking  _ k-kill  _ him, I’m so s-sorry, I l-love you, I’m s-”

“It’s  _ alright,  _ Ev, it’s okay. Jesus Christ, don’t go getting all sappy on me.” Evan giggled, and reached his arms up to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. He crumpled into Connor, pulling his legs up underneath him.

“I’m s-sorry.”

Connor laughed once, a laugh that made Evan’s heart soar. It was his actual laugh, the one that he never did around other people, because he always snorted halfway through it. It wasn’t the fake one that was laced with venom, or the sarcastic one that made the left side of his face scrunch up. “I know. Me, uh, me too.”

Evan sighed, and lifted his eyes towards the thousands of stars scattered across the sky. Connor followed his gaze, and pointed to a group of them. “Cassiopeia,” he murmured, naming the constellation. “That one’s my favourite.”

Evan nodded, even though he couldn’t quite figure out the difference from one group of stars to the other. “You know, when I was a kid, I used to want to be an astronaut,” Connor said quietly, the corners of his mouth turning up.  “I thought that if I just flew away, all of my problems would just disappear, and I would be magically cured or something.”

“R-Really?”

“Yeah.” Evan smiled, and Connor continued quietly, pointing out constellations and telling Evan what they meant. He sighed happily, not cold anymore, and rested his head against Connor’s shoulder, letting the world go fuzzy around the edges.

And even though they obviously had a lot more to talk about, Evan felt as if he could finally breathe again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what to say
> 
> other than I really hate thomas
> 
> yeah
> 
> but it's going to get happier from here, I promise!!!
> 
> also: the fact that colton ryan went on for connor just makes me so happy, I don't even know what to say (same with BEYONCE VISITING DEH???)
> 
> check out my tumblr @seconddegreeburns!!!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and if you want, leave a comment because they make me smile and motivate me!!! you're all so amazing<33


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a date, an invitation, and the insanely cool jared kleinman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consistent posting schedule??? chapter with actual plot??? don't know them!!!
> 
> apparently, when writer's block hits, it hits hard, and on top of school being The Worst, I ended up rewriting this four times to get a version that was actually acceptable to post!
> 
> warnings for aquaphobia (fear of water)

**_You have two new messages from Connor <3_ **

**Connor <3: ** hey

**Connor <3: ** you busy today?

**Me:** No! Why?

**Connor <3: ** its a surprise:)

**Connor <3: ** ill pick you up in twenty?

**Me:** surre’!

**********

“I’m just saying, you should really tell your boyfriend that he needs to give you more warning on these types of things, because I really don’t need a wake-up call of you screaming about me stealing your fucking hairbrush- which I totally didn’t do, by the way.” Jared leaned back in Evan’s chair, propping his feet up on the stack of textbooks lying on his desk, and shoveling a spoonful of strawberry yogurt in his mouth.

Evan rolled his eyes, and combed his hair back for the seventh time with the brush that Jared totally _ had _ stolen; he had just found it underneath Jared’s bed fifteen minutes ago, before the shorter boy had thrown a pillow at his head, and told him he had ten seconds to get out. “It w-was underneath your  _ bed,  _ Jared, do you k-know how gross that is? Why can’t you just go out and buy a c-comb like a normal person?” He peered closer at his reflection, and frowned. “And, i-it’s literally two in the afternoon, you shouldn’t b-be sleeping that late!”

Jared pointed the bowl of his spoon at Evan accusingly. “‘Jesus Christ, you sound like my mom,” he groaned around a mouthful of yogurt. “And stop fixing your hair, it looks fine.”

Evan’s hand dropped from where it had been picking at the evenly gelled strands. “Mm,” he muttered distractedly, not exactly sure what to say to the compliment, and he fiddled with the loose strings on the bottom of his navy button-down. His heart was pounding nervously in his chest, in the same way it had been doing ever since Connor had texted him earlier. They had only called each other a couple of times since The Talk a few days ago, they hadn’t seen each other face-to-face either. Which made Evan slightly nervous about the fact that Connor would be here any second. Okay, maybe more than ‘slightly.’ What if things were changed now? What if there was awkward silence, and Evan couldn’t think of anything to say? What if-

“Acorn, you’re freaking out.” Evan glanced up and laughed nervously, shaking his head. “You’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Jared placed his hand on Evan’s hair, and ruffled it. Evan let out a small noise of protest, but the shorter man just laughed.

_ Knock knock knock! _

Evan’s breath hitched at the sound. Jared shot him a look, and removed his hand. “Don’t freak out,” he warned. “I’ll be right back.” Jared left the room, and Evan bit his lip. Okay.  _ Okay.  _ It’ll be fine. Totally, completely fine. 

“Hey.” Evan shot his head up, and Connor grinned at him from his spot leaning against the door frame. One hand was stuck behind his back, and he was wearing grey skinny jeans so tight that Evan wondered if they were painted on his legs. Not that he minded, of course.

“H-Hey,” Evan stammered, his fingers twitching.

“I, uh, I like your shirt,” Connor muttered, walking deeper into the room. He pulled his hand out from its hiding spot, and in it there was a single red rose resting in his palm. Connor’s ears were pink, matching Evan’s cheeks, and he passed it gently to him.

“Ohmygosh, you d-didn’t have to-” Evan took a deep breath, cutting himself off. “I m-mean, t-thanks.”  He stared down at the silky petals and a flash of guilt shot through him, but he wasn’t sure why. Connor’s foot tapped against the floor twice, and the silence wrapped invisible ropes around Evan’s ribcage, constricting his lungs.

“Hell- _ o _ , my dear friends,” Jared sang as he burst into the room. Evan let out a gulp of air, and for the first time, he was almost glad that he had the worst-or best, in this case- timing ever. “I hate to break up the party, but I’m really not in the mood to listen to you guys flirt for the next six hours, so I would really appreciate you getting out of here.” He poured fake enthusiasm into his voice, and plucked the flower out of Evan’s hands, shoving into a vase that had been lying on his desk.

“Hey-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll water it and shit, Hansen,” Jared said, smirking. “Now seriously, get out, I have fourteen episodes of Masterchef to watch.”

“You have  _ what?!” _

“Whoops, look at the time, you’d better run!” Jared sent a wink towards Connor, and the taller man shot him a glare. But the corners of his mouth were slightly turned up, and there was no venom behind it. Evan glanced back and forth between them with a confused look on his face. Since when had they not hated each other?

Jared stuffed Evan’s blue puffy jacket into his arms, and pushed him out of the threshold, giving a two-fingered salute to their retreating backs. “Be safe, children!”

The door slammed behind him, and Evan turned to Connor nervously, who was rolling his eyes, and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like ‘Kleinman’ under his breath. Connor felt Evan’s gaze on him, and immediately turned to him with a soft smile. “You good?”

Evan took a deep breath and nodded. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine! But, uh, where a-are we going?” 

“You’ll see,” Connor said mysteriously, making Evan giggle, and the brunet grabbed his hand with a smile.

**********

Connor pulled his car up next to a Starbucks, and yanked the keys out of the ignition, drumming the tips of his fingers on his left leg. Evan looked up from where he had been controlling the music from Connor’s phone, and tilted his head questioningly.

“I thought, uh, we could just get hot chocolate or something-I know you hate coffee- and walk around for awhile? Fuck, this was a better idea in my head.”

Evan laughed a little, and pushed open his door, climbing out of the car. “That, uh, that s-sounds good,” he said, reaching his hand out to lace their fingers together.

Connor relaxed a little, and they walked into the coffee shop. The walls were a dark forest green, and it smelt like a mix of every type of coffee and pastry that Evan could think of.

“What do you want?” the taller man muttered, leaning down to whisper in Evan’s ear. Evan turned pink, and chills shot up his spine at the breath of air on his neck. He pointed at the first thing on the menu, peppermint hot chocolate, even though it apparently was supposed to have way too much sugar in it, and Connor nodded, stepping up to order the drinks.

The cashier gave the two of them a weird look, and seemed to be studying their faces intently especially when Connor told him their names to put on the cups. Evan pulled his jacket up around his neck, realizing that Connor wasn’t wearing sunglasses or anything as a disguise, and the cashier frowned at them. “That’ll be $6.27,” he said slowly, looking back and forth between the two of them. Connor reached into his pocket, but Evan beat him to it, practically throwing a ten-dollar bill across the counter and muttering at the cashier to keep the change.

Connor glared at Evan and made a small noise of protest in the back of his throat. “Evan, what the fuck-”

“Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“S-Shut up.”

Connor stared at him for a second, and Evan’s eyes widened. “Ohmygosh, that was so rude, I’m s-sorry-”

Connor let out a low whistle, making Evan snap his lips shut and turn a bright red. “No, fuck, stop apologizing, that was  _ impressive,”  _ he smirked, squeezing Evan’s hand.

Evan’s heart did that all-too-familiar flutter in his chest. 

“Connor and Evan?”

The moment was ruined when the cashier called out their names. Connor sighed, and reached across the counter, taking the drinks out of his hand. “Hey, uh, you two look really familiar, are you-”

“ _ Nope,”  _ Connor snapped, not even letting him finish his sentence, and pulled Evan towards the door behind them. “No idea what you’re talking about, okay, byenow!” The door swung shut behind them, and Evan snickered.

“N-Nice save?”

“Ya think? _ ” _

Evan wrapped his fingers around the paper cup and brought the edge to his lips, wincing a little when the hot liquid burned the roof of his mouth. The air was crisp, and Evan pulled his jacket tighter around him. Him and Connor absent-mindedly wandered down the streets of New York, sipping at their drinks, and Evan told him about the time when their television wouldn’t work last week, and Jared decided that he needed to be the one to take it apart and put it back together again. Apparently, whatever he was doing with his computer science degree didn’t extend to that, and he only succeeded in getting it stuck on the Food Network. Which had pissed him off for a few days, because he called the shows ‘unrealistic and stupid,’ but now, Jared was hopelessly addicted to screaming with Gordon Ramsay about undercooked chicken. 

Connor had laughed at that, and the blond grinned. The ropes that were wrapped around his chest loosened a bit, giving him space to breath. Everything seemed a bit brighter than before- the trees that had no leaves left on them, the holiday decorations that were  _ already  _ in every window of every store-even though Thanksgiving was still a week away-, the flick of Connor’s lips, all of it smashing together into something that made the tension in his body release slightly, and a nervous grin to spread across his face.   
  


Evan took another sip of hot chocolate; it actually had ended up being pretty good. Whipped cream coated his top lip, and Connor smiled down at him.

Connor reached his thumb down, and swiped it across the shorter boy’s mouth, ignoring his tiny squeak. Evan’s cheeks heated up, and Connor pulled out his phone to check the time, something that Evan noticed he had been doing for the past hour now.

Connor crumpled up his now-empty paper cup, and tossed it in the trash, Evan following suit. He turned to Evan, and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. “Okay,” he sighed, looking indecisive. “There’s something I wanted to, uh, show you, if that’s alright? It’s, um… it’s a surprise.”

Evan turned to Connor with confusion in his eyes. “Um, o-okay?” he stuttered, which must’ve been the right thing to say, because Connor let out an audible sigh of relief.

Connor curled his fingers around Evan’s wrist and pulled them closer together, turning Evan so that his back was against Connor. “Close your eyes,” Connor muttered, but it was kind of unnecessary, because he had already placed one hand on Evan’s hip and the other over his face, so that Evan’s world went dark.

.Evan was sure that his face was completely red by now, and he followed Connor’s directions on where to step, thanking whatever was up there that he couldn’t see anyone looking at him. They walked for around five minutes, until he could hear the rustling of branches, a quiet curse, and then Connor’s hand lifted from his face.

They were standing in front of a huge, glass-like pond that was surrounded by trees, the sun framing the scene, making everything turn to gold. There was a rowboat tied onto a tree, and Connor was standing right in the middle of everything, nervously picking at his thumbnail as Evan took it all in.

And Evan’s heart sunk.

A boat ride in the sunset- literally one of the most cliché, romantic dates ever. This was the kind of thing that movies and books ate up, and now, it was happening to Evan. Of course it was. And maybe, if he _hadn’t_ been Evan, he would squeal, and be able to hop in the boat happily, not worrying about anything.

But, there was no changing that now, so, how was he supposed to tell his boyfriend that he was kinda-maybe scared of water, and he  _ definitely  _ couldn’t swim?

Evan realized that he had been standing there for an abnormal amount of time without a reaction, and if Connor didn’t stop picking at his nail polish, his entire nail would come off. “This i-is amazing, C-Connor. S-Seriously,” Evan lied, trying to smile.

Connor let out a breath that he had been holding. “Really?” he asked, and Evan nodded quickly, a grin spreading across Connor’s face. Connor extended a hand to him, and Evan followed him tentatively into the boat, shuddering as it rocked back and forth. Connor grabbed the oars, and pushed away from the bank, leaving Evan sitting across from him uncomfortably.

They floated around for a few minutes, and Evan let out a deep breath. Okay. This wasn’t so bad. If he just focused on Connor’s smile, or the sunset that was painting the sky orange and pink, or the shadows of the trees that danced across the lake, he could almost pretend that they were back on solid ground. In fact, it was kind of like the scene in The Little Mermaid, the one where the two are floating around the pond happily, well, until the eels came and flipped the boat over, and  _ oh great, now all Evan could picture was the boat tipping over, absolutely wonderful. _

“Ev? Ev, you there?” Evan jumped up at the sudden sound, and water sloshed over the sides of the boat. He reached out to steady himself, but the waves from the movement slammed against the wood, causing the boat to tip over.

Evan was plunged into the cold, dark water, and everything went silent. He frantically kicked his legs, trying to make it up to the surface, but his lungs were burning,  _ and he was going to drown, he was going to drown, hewasgoingtodrown- _

Something wrapped around Evan’s waist and pulled him upwards, and Evan broke through the surface, coughing up all the water that had got into his lungs. He clutched at the arm that was holding him, and choked as he was pulled to the grass. Connor clamoured up next to him, and spit out a mouthful of water. They sat like that for a minute, gasping for air and coughing. Evan inhaled sharply, glancing over at Connor sheepishly.

“C-Connor?”

Connor pushed a wet strand of hair out of his face and grimaced. “Yeah?”

“Um, I c-can’t swim.” 

For a moment, everything was silent, and Evan’s stomach twisted. Until Connor broke out into uncontrollable laughter, and fell back against the grass, shaking. Evan stared at him, but couldn’t help it when a small giggle escaped his lips, and he started to laugh too, his chest heaving.

“ _ Damn,  _ Ev,” Connor laughed in between gasps of air. “That might’ve-been nice to know-  _ before  _ you got in the fucking boat!”

Evan’s face flushed bright red. “I k-know, but you seemed so  _ excited _ , a-and I didn’t want to ruin it just because of something s-stupid like that.”

“Hey,” Connor whispered, suddenly serious. He moved closer to Evan, who wouldn’t look him in the eye. “ _ Hey.  _ You know I wouldn’t make you do anything you don’t want to, right?”

Evan nodded and kept his eyes trained on the hem of his jacket, mindlessly fiddling with the zipper. Connor sighed, and dipped his head down so that Evan was forced to look at him. Evan peeked up through his eyelashes, and laughed a little when he saw the grin on Connor’s face. “Y-Yeah, I know.”

“Next time, just fucking tell me, and we can go play mini golf or some shit.” Evan wrinkled his nose, and Connor pushed himself up, holding out one hand for Evan to take. “Do you, uh, do you wanna come back to my place? I can give you new clothes.”

Evan hesitated for a second, but shook his head in agreement, accepting Connor’s outstretched hand. “Sure,” he said quietly, letting the taller man yank him to his feet. 

Connor hugged his shoulders, and Evan slipped an arm around his waist, the two of them walking away from the fading sunset.

**********

Evan stepped out of the shower, pulling on Connor’s oversized purple T-shirt and some sweatpants that he had given him, drying his hair with an extremely fluffy towel. He attempted to comb his fingers through the short, blond strands, but really only succeeded in making it stand up at odd angles. He sighed, and gave up on his hair, pushing the door open and tip-toeing out to the living room, escaping the hot air.

Connor was lying on the couch with one foot propped up on the coffee table, reading a hardcover book. There was a sugar cookie scented candle burning in the corner of the room, making it smell like the time Jared had freaked out during exam week, and ended up making over four hundred cookies from stress baking.

“W-What’re you reading?” Evan asked quietly, taking a tentative seat next to Connor, not wanting to disturb the quiet atmosphere that was hanging in the air. 

Connor grunted, eyes staying glued to the page, and he lifted the book up slightly, letting Evan see the cover.  _ The Outsiders.  _ Evan vaguely recognized it from eighth grade, when he had done a project on it.

“You s-still read that?” Evan smiled, pulling his feet up underneath him. 

Connor’s eyebrows lifted over the top of the paper, and his eyes crinkled. “It’s a fucking good book,” he said defensively. He scooted closer to Evan, and the shorter man tentatively leaned into his side. 

Evan made a noise of agreement in his throat, and Connor went back to reading, this time with his hand wrapped around Evan’s waist. The blond let out a small sigh, and rubbed at a spot on the curve of his ankle. Everything was calm and quiet, but not the awkward kind. He let his body relax, and slumped further into Connor. He was fine. Connor was fine. They were fine.

**_Incoming call from: Mom <3_ **

Evan jolted up, and fished his phone from out of his pocket, the moment broken, stammering out apologies for the ringing. He fiddled with the buttons for a second, before swiping to the right and holding the device up to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hi, sweetie! How are you?” Heidi’s voice sounded excited, and Evan sat up slightly, brushing a piece of hair behind his ear so he could hear better.

“I’m g-good, uh, what a-about you?” Evan winced at how stiff his voice sounded.

“I’m great!” Evan could hear the rustling of paper in the background, and he guessed that it must be the time of the day where she switched from the hospital to classes at the law school. “But, honey, great news! I have the entire Thanksgiving weekend off, so you can come home with Jared!”

Thanksgiving was  _ not  _ Evan’s favourite holiday, to say the least. Before his dad had left, it meant  long, dragged-out dinners with his father’s side of the family, filled with unnecessary comments about how tall he had gotten, things like that. Little Evan had never known what to say back, just squirming uncomfortably whenever his relatives had pinched his cheeks and ruffled his hair. As he got older, it meant nights spent alone with a cold slice of pizza, watching whatever was on TV at the time, while his mother rushed off to work. Either way, it usually sucked. 

“Wait, r-really?” Evan said in disbelief. “You’re actually g-going to be home the w-whole time?”

“Yes!” Heidi exclaimed. “I’ve been picking up a few extra shifts lately, so don’t worry about the cost and- oh, honey, this will be great!”

Cue the guilty feelings building up in his stomach. “Oh- Mom, you d-didn’t have to-”

“Don’t you worry about it,” Heidi chided and Evan pressed his lips together. “I have to go, but I’ll call you later on with the details? I love you!”

“Love y-you too,” Evan muttered, clicking the end call button, and watching as her contact name was sucked back into the phone. He pressed the palms of his hands against his forehead and groaned. 

“You alright, Ev?” Evan turned to look at Connor; he had almost forgot he was there. Evan nodded, and Connor frowned. “Who was that?”

Evan sighed, and scrunched the purple fabric of his shirt with his thumb and index finger. “Nobody r-really- well, it wasn’t  _ nobody,  _ it was just my mom, and, uh, she was wondering i-if I wanted to come home for Thanksgiving?”

Connor folded the corner of the page down, and set his book off to the side, furrowing his brow. “That’s a bad thing?”

“Yes- no-  _ no _ , it’s a good thing, it’s just, she’s n-never actually been home for anything like this b-before, and I just- I don’t know I sound so  _ s-stupid _ , I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. At least you have someone to go home to, right?” Connor’s terrible attempt at a joke fell flat, and he let out an awkward laugh. Evan’s eyes widened, and his stomach twisted into knots.

“Ohmygod, I d-didn’t mean- I didn’t even  _ think-  _ I’m so, so sorry-” 

“No, no, I’m- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t of said that, fuck.” Connor ran a hand through his hair and sighed. The room fell silent, except for the crackling of the candle. 

Evan chewed on his bottom lip nervously. “Um- what’re y-you planning to, uh do?” he said quietly, staring down at a hole in his sock.

“Probably Chinese food with Alana and Zoe,” he chuckled, but there was some sort of sad undertone to it that made the knots in Evan’s stomach grow. “I’m not doing anything with fucking Larry, that’s for sure.”

Evan clasped his fingers together. “M-Maybe, uh- maybe you could come home with me and J-Jared? Y-You could stay at m-my house?” The words were spilling from his lips before Evan could stop them, but once they were out, he didn’t exactly regret saying it. 

Something flitted across Connor’s face for a second, before he smiled, and shook his head dismissively. “Nah, I couldn’t leave Zoe and Alana, and plus, you probably should spend time with your mom, anyways.”

“Zoe and A-Alana can come too! My, my mom won’t c-care!” Evan said excitedly. He wasn’t entirely sure about that one, but she had always insisted that she needed to meet Connor soon, so he didn’t think that she would mind.

Connor looked doubtful. “Really?”

“Y-Yeah! Well, I mean, o-only if you want to, I do-don’t want to force you or anything, but yeah. If you want.” The sudden burst of confidence that had came from nowhere slowly faded away, and he stared back down at the floor. 

Connor seemed to notice the change in personality and he reached his hand out to lace his fingers with Evan’s. “Sure, I’ll come.”

“Wait, r-really?”

“Yeah, as long as it’s cool with Zoe and Alana.”

_ “Really?” _

“ _ Yes,”  _ Connor laughed, and Evan grinned wildly. He curled back into Connor’s side, and the taller man started to run his fingers through his still-damp hair. 

“Okay, b-but are you being serious?”

“Evan!” Connor tried to poke him, and Evan laughed, setting his head down on Connor’s lap. 

“J-Just making sure.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah, I love Heidi so much, and she really is trying, and we get to actually meet her next chapter!!
> 
> also, I stuck some Jared background information in here subconsciously, because he's just a really amazing character, and he needs some more appreciation!
> 
> the next chapter might take awhile to post, because it's gonna be a long one, but it'll hopefully be up soon!
> 
> go follow me on tumblr @seconddegreeburns !!
> 
> as always, thanks so much for reading, it means so much, and leave a kudos or comment! <33


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thanksgiving pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i ended up splitting this into two chapters, because it was getting too long, so pt 2 should be out pretty soon (or not, knowing my inconsistent posting schedule, whoops)!!!

_ Today’s News Headline: Anonymous source reports that Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen are back together after being spotted in New York City last week.  _

**_Group chat with: Connor <3, Alana, Zoe, Living Meme and Me _ **

**Alana:** Evan and Jared, we’ll be over to pick you two up in a half hour! Sorry we’re a bit late!

**Zoe:** if connor hadn’t spilt a gallon of milk over my kitchen counter, we might’ve been there sooner, but THATS apparently not happening anytime soon.

**Zoe:** if we miss our flight, it’s his fault.

**Connor <3: ** well, MAYBE if you had closed the fucking thing, this whole situation could’ve been avoided

**Alana:** Okay!

**Alana:** Connor, go pack your suitcase.

**Connor <3: ** our flight leaves in three hours, do you seriously think that i don’t have my suitcase packed?

**Alana:** Do you?

**Connor <3: ** …

**Zoe:** oh connor

**********

Evan shoved his last sweater into his blue duffle bag, and yanked on the zipper. He slung it over his shoulder and made his way to the front door, tapping his foot anxiously against the ground. “Jared, h-hurry up, the girls and C-Connor are probably w-waiting,” he called out, checking the time on his phone. Their flight was leaving in two hours, which made Evan sick to his stomach as it was, not even counting the fact that they might end up missing the plane, and  _ wouldn’t that be just perfect!  _ “Jared!”

“Relax, Acorn, Connor would’ve texted you if they were here,” Jared said, dragging a huge neon green suitcase behind him that made Evan’s eyes burn.

“N-Nice suitcase?”

“Oh, don’t even  _ go  _ there, Hansen.” Evan grinned, and walked out of the apartment, letting Jared lock the door behind them.

**_Group chat with: Connor <3, Alana, Zoe, Living Meme and Me_ **

**Alana:** We’re here now!

**Connor <3: ** finally

**Zoe:** CONNOR MURPHY THAT WAS YOUR FUCKING FAULT

**Connor <3: ** whoops

Evan scanned the messages that made his phone screen light up, and he could see Jared smirking out of the corner of his eye. They pushed open the door to their apartment building, cold air smacking them in the face, and made their way over to the long black car that Evan remembered from the interview that they had done a few months ago. It seemed like forever ago now.

Jared whistled lowly, and raised his eyebrows. “This is  _ fancy,”  _ he murmured, tugging open the door to the car and slipping into the backseat. Evan muttered a small hello, and sat next to Connor, who seemed to be in some sort of staring contest with his sister; they both were squinting at each other and pursing their lips in the same way. 

“These two,” Alana groaned, gesturing to the siblings, “have been at each other all morning, and if I have to put up with them anymore today, I might actually lose it.”

“Well,  _ maybe,  _ if Connor had been more  _ careful-”  _

“Maybe if  _ Zoe  _ had been paying attention-”

Jared snorted and leaned his head back against the back of the seat. “This should be a fan-fucking-tastic time.” 

“Fuck you,” Connor smirked, before turning towards Evan, his features softening slightly. “Hey.”

“H-Hey.”

“Oh, so  _ now  _ you choose to acknowledge your boyfriend? Fabulous job, Connor.” 

“Zoe Murphy, I love you, but if you don’t leave your brother alone-”

“Fuck you too, Zoe!”

“Jesus Christ.”

The ride to the airport was filled with variations of the same conversation, and Alana eventually gave up, leaning back to let the two bicker with each other. Evan had been mildly concerned for a few minutes, but he realized halfway through their third argument-an extremely confusing one about if Zoe’s shirt was indigo or dark blue, because weren’t they the same thing?- that there was no real malice behind their words, and that both siblings had little grins on their faces. Every time that Zoe would shoot an exceptionally good insult towards her brother, Connor would smile a little wider, and would reply with something equally as bad.

Evan didn’t really understand why you would  _ enjoy  _ getting insulted by your sister, but maybe it was a sibling thing.

**********

The airport was way too crowded for Evan’s liking. People were pressing in on all sides, and every time he accidentally touched someone’s arm, he wanted to scream. Connor didn’t look that good either, flincing whenever someone bumped into him. Alana kept shooting him worried looks, but Connor would just smile weakly, and pushed his sunglasses that he and Zoe had been forced to wear further up on his nose.   

Connor seemed to calm down by the time they actually got on the plane, offering Evan the window seat, and mimacking the pilot throughtout the entire safety demonstration, which was probably a bad idea, but Evan had already memorized what to do in case of a plane crash, so he just attempted to laugh, ignoring the churning feeling in his stomach.

The engine roared to life, making the plane jolt forward, and Evan squeezed his eyes shut, gripping at the armrests. His breathing was getting shallow and he clenched his teeth together, trying to block out the noise that was bouncing around in his skull. Planes were not his thing; had  _ never  _ been his thing. Not after the time he had flown to Colorado to visit his father three years after he left, and ended up having a full-blown panic attack in the air, scared of the noise, scared of the tight space,  _ terrified  _ of the fact that the plane could fall out of the sky and hurtle to the ground like a fiery comet at any second. When Evan had met his father at the gate with tear-stained cheeks, clutching his bag to his chest, all he got was, ‘man up, Evan,’ and ‘big boys don’t cry, Evan.’

Needless to say, that was his last visit to Colorado. 

The wheels lifted off the ground and Evan flinched. Invisible ropes wrapped around his chest and squeezed, hard. He was pretty sure that his knuckles were turning white. They were definitely turning white. 

_ Deep breaths, Evan.  _

Something soft and squishy slipped into his ears, cancelling out the noise, and Evan’s eyes popped open to see Connor holding up his phone, a pair of earphones connected to the bottom. Quiet rock music started to play, and Evan let out a deep breath.

Connor reached over and plucked one earbud out of his ear. “It’s better if you can’t hear the noise,” he whispered lowly, quirking his lips upward into a half-smile. Evan nodded and shot Connor a grateful expression when the music’s volume increased. He lowered his shoulder down, and Evan gingerly placed his head on it, relaxing into it and closing his eyes while Connor removed his hands from their vise around the armrest, letting him lace their fingers together.

Evan fell asleep within the first ten minutes, and around halfway through the flight, his head had migrated from Connor’s shoulder to his lap. Connor’s legs had been asleep for the past half hour, but he refused to move them in case it made Evan wake up. Flipping through one of the stupid magazines that they had in the seat pocket that no one reads, Connor sighed, and twisted one of Evan’s curls around his index fingers absentmindedly.

“The kid behind me will not fucking stop kicking my seat, and I really don’t feel like committing homicide right now.” Jared’s voice cut through his thoughts like a knife and he turned to the left, to see the shorter man slipping in the empty seat next to him with a scowl on his face. “Why do you two get the good seats?” 

Connor glared, and shushed him, tipping his head towards Evan who sighed in his sleep, and pressed his cheek deeper into Connor’s knee.

“Don’t worry, when he gets like this, he can sleep through our next door neighbour playing the trumpet for six hours- very badly, I might add.” But Jared lowered his voice considerably, and stared down at Evan with a small smile on his face. “You’re really good for him, you know that right?”

Connor arched an eyebrow. Jared attempting to be nice was still a thing that he hadn’t gotten used to. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Jared took his glasses off, and rubbed them on the corner of his shirt. “But-and I know this is kind of late- if you  _ ever  _ hurt him, I’ll make sure they  _ never _ find your body. He’s like- he’s like a brother to me. And I won’t hesitate to spill all your deepest, darkest secrets to the whole world.” 

“You wouldn’t,” Connor smirked. 

“Try me, Murphy.” Connor snorted, and Jared slipped his glasses back on his face. “You know, you’re really not as bad as I thought you were.”

“I feel fucking honored, Kleinman,” Connor said. “But, you too.”

Jared smirked, and leaned his head against Connor’s shoulder closing his eyes. “Night, asshole.”

“Kleinman, what the fuck are you-”

“Shh.”

“But-”

_ “Shhhh.” _

Connor sighed, and poked at Jared’s face. Either he actually could fall asleep that fast, or he was really good at pretending-Connor strongly suspected the latter- because he didn’t even flinch, just kept his eyes shut tightly and let out a snore.

The edge of Jared’s glasses were pressing into his skin, and Evan was making soft noises in his sleep, making it impossible for Connor to even try to sleep. He turned his head to the side, and stared out the window at the pink clouds, taking in the quiet whispers around him.

Maybe it was a good thing he couldn’t sleep.

Maybe he didn’t want to miss this.

**********

Evan grabbed the last of their bags out of the trunk of the taxi that they had taken from the airport. The street was silent, the night air cool, and it was creeping him out, even though this was the street that he spent eighty percent of his teenage life.

Jared yawned, and adjusted the handle of his suitcase. “Acorn, tell your mom we’ll see her in the morning, okay? I’m so fucking tired, I don’t even know which way is up anymore.”

“You wouldn’t know that anyways,” Connor muttered, grinning when Jared smacked his shoulder. 

“Shut the fuck up, Murphy,” Jared mumbled half-heartedly, pushing his glasses up further on his nose. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Alana said softly, pushing Jared across the street to his house, Zoe following behind with their bags. “Good night, guys.”

Connor gave a little two-fingered salute towards their retreating backs, and the two started up the sidewalk towards Evan’s house. They had already decided back in New York that Zoe and Alana would stay in Jared’s house, since his parents had decided to go to Hawaii for the weekend, and Evan didn’t have a guest bedroom. When Jared had told Evan that his parents weren’t going to be home, Evan could’ve sworn that he had saw tears building up in Jared’s eyes, but they were gone as soon as he could blink; Jared’s normal grin spreading across his lips once again.

Even so, Evan had made sure that they had stayed home that night, watching bad movies and eating ice cream until the two of them fell asleep.

Evan led Connor up the sidewalk towards his house. It was a small two-story that really needed to be repainted, and there was a garden on the front lawn that looked like it hadn’t been touched in months. A light was on in the kitchen window, which was really odd to see. All throughout high school, when Evan got home late at night, the house was empty and cold, and there was some sort of note from his mother lying on the counter.

“This is where you used to live?”

Evan turned towards Connor and bit his lip, cheeks heating up. “Y-Yeah, um, it’s kinda s-small, and like-”

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that,” Connor said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s...nice. A lot better than my hellhole of a house.”

The blond smiled slightly, and placed a hand on the doorknob, twisting it back and forth anxiously. “Okay, w-whatever, but just… don’t like, make f-fun of it or an-anything?” 

Something in Connor’s face softened, and he pressed a kiss to Evan’s forehead. “You know I don’t give a fuck what your house looks like, right?”

“Yeah, um, I kn-know, but… okay. Okay.” Evan decided that now would be a good time to shut up, and pushed open the door to his house, immediately getting hit with all sorts of memories from his childhood. The walls were the same colour yellow that they had always been, the front porch still had that disgusting purple welcome mat that had existed since the beginning of time, the vase of fake flowers that stood on a little table was arranged the same way it had been when he had left for college. For a second, Evan almost forgot that Connor was there; too busy drinking in all the little things that he had forgotten.

“Hello? Evan, is that you?” Heidi’s faint voice echoed from down the hall, and Evan broke out into a huge grin. Footsteps clunked down the hallway, and Heidi turned the corner, beaming. Her blonde hair was hanging in limp waves down her shoulders, there were large, dark circles under her eyes, and she was wearing wrinkled blue scrubs, but the look on her face cancelled it all out.

“Oh, Evan, honey, I missed you so much!” Her warm arms enfolded him, and she smelt like vanilla and lavender. The same perfume that she had been using for years, because she hated the smell of the hospital that seemed to cling to every article of clothes she owned.

“Hi, Mom,” he choked out, yelping when she squeezed even tighter.

“Ev, you look so old, sweetie!” Evan flushed red, and Connor chuckled from behind him, hiding his grin underneath his hand.

“And you must be Connor!” Heidi turned to Connor with a smile, and Connor immediately stopped laughing. “It’s so nice to meet you, honey!”

“Oh, uh, you too, Mrs Hansen.” He extended his hand for a handshake, but Heidi just grabbed his wrist and pulled him in for another bone-crushing hug. “Oh! Uh-” Connor looked confused at first, like he wasn’t quite sure where to put his arms, and ended up just gently wrapping them around her. 

Heidi pulled away first, her eyes bright. “Evan’s just told me so much about you, I feel like I know you already-”   
  


“M-Mom!”

“Just messing with you, honey,” Heidi winked. “And Connor, please, call me Heidi.”

“Um, okay, uh, Heidi.”

“So, Evan, tell me all about college! How are your classes? And your therapist? Have you been taking your medicine lately, sweetie, you look tired. And where’s Jared?” Heidi was talking so fast that it was making Evan’s head spin. 

“Um, Jared said h-he’d come and see you tomorrow, he was r-really tired,” Evan explained in response to Heidi’s last question,  after assuring her that he was completly fine.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry you two, I completely forgot!” Heidi cursed, ushering them up the stairs and into Evan’s old bedroom. “You guys must’ve had a long night, I’ll see you both in the morning!” The door slammed shut behind her, and Connor let out a low whistle.

“Wow,” he said, and Evan winced, a little nervous to what Connor would say.

“I know, she’s a l-little…  _ hyper,  _ but I t-think she’s just excited-”

“No fucking way, she’s really cool. Like way cooler than Cynthia.”

Evan brought his hand up to his mouth and bit his nail. “I wouldn’t say, uh,  _ t-that,  _ but-”

“I would.” Evan didn’t really agree, but he gave Connor a small smile, and surveyed the room that he had spent the majority of his high school life in. Not much had really changed. The old bedspread that had blue and white stripes on it was placed gently across the mattress, there was his old calendar on the wall that had a different picture of a tree for every month, and his cactus that he had kept on his nightstand was still there, and alive, which meant that someone had to be watering it at least somewhat regularly.

Connor began to poke around in the drawers, pulling out a old, grey pair of pants with little tree figures on it. “Tree pajama pants? Really?”

“They’re n-not- I didn’t- Okay, I have n-nothing to say on this one.” 

Connor tossed his head back and laughed. “I like them, he announced, tossing them across the room to Evan's bed. “They’re very Evan-ish.”

“Yeah, w-well…” Evan chuckled, pulling out his own pair of sweatpants out of his bag. “I’m gonna go get ch-changed, okay?”

“Mm.” Connor was inspecting the calendar now, and Evan shook his head slightly, slipping inside the bathroom.

By the time Evan got back to the room, Connor was lying on his bed, wearing an old black band shirt, and the tree pants that only went a few inches below the knees. He was face-down in the pillows, and his limbs were splayed everywhere, taking up as much space as possible.

“R-Really, Con?” Evan giggled, and switched off the light, plunging the room into darkness. “C’mon,  _ m-move.”  _ He shoved the brunet’s leg to no avail, and Connor grunted. “You h-have  _ got  _ to be kidding me.”

Connor sighed dramatically, and flipped on his side, propping his head up with his fingers. “Why’re you so  _ mean,”  _ he mumbled, giving Evan room to lie down. 

Usually, this would send Evan into a slew of ‘sorrys’, but for some reason, tonight, he didn’t want to apologize. Something about the calm atmosphere, the fact that his mother was actually at home, Connor Murphy lying next to him on his old bed-which was weird in so many ways- made him able to breathe fully, for a moment at least. Evan had never felt like this in this house. Most of the time, this would be where the guilty feelings crept into his stomach, and he would lie awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what a mess he was. It was… strange. But kind of nice, too.

Maybe he was just tired.

“‘Cause I a-am,” he yawned, feeling Connor’s arm slip around his waist gently. He cuddled into his boyfriend, letting the brunet’s hair tickle his nose. “Night, C-Con.”

“Night, Ev.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really like how this chapter turned out, but school is terrible, and i don't have as much time to write anymore, which sucks
> 
> but we met Heidi, and we'll get to see some more of her character next chapter!
> 
> also, i live for a good connor and jared friendship
> 
> go follow me on tumblr @seconddegreeburns !!
> 
> thank you for reading, and please leave a comment, because they make me scream and i love hearing what you all think! <3


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thanksgiving pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so someone made the cutest fanart of connor with his guitar that legit made me scream?!?! the artist is so talented and you should go check it out! 
> 
> https://athanasai.deviantart.com/art/dear-evan-hansen-Fanfics-2-708025206

**_You have no new notifications._ **

Connor could never really sleep at other people’s houses.

That’s how he ended up wide awake at five thirty on a Saturday morning, lying in Evan’s bed, in Evan’s house, with Evan himself lying next to him. The sun was barely shining, casting grey light throughout the room that made faded shadows dance on the walls. Evan was still asleep, wrapped around Connor’s torso like a koala, his head digging into his neck. The house was calm, the only sound being the whir of the heater that kicked in periodically. Connor stared up at the ceiling, taking in the suffocating silence. He hated the quiet. 

Evan sighed in his sleep, turning onto his back, and Connor slid out of bed. He carefully made his way down the stairs into the living room, wincing when a stair squeaked.

The living room was painted a soft, peachy colour that contrasted with the ripped blue couch and bright orange blanket. There was a electric fireplace standing across from the couch, and there were framed pictures lined up across the mantel.

Connor moved closer, and looked at the photographs. There were ones of Evan from when he was a baby, smiling at the camera with huge blue eyes. There was one of him on what looked like the first day of school, frowning at something that wasn’t in the frame, and a few of him and Jared as children. That’s when the photos stopped, skipping all the way to his senior picture, where Evan was wearing that ugly cap-and-gown combination that Connor had refused to touch.

It seemed wrong to be looking at these, even though they were displayed for the entire world to see. Evan had obviously told him about his life before college, but Connor felt as if was intruding on something personal. To someone who didn’t know Evan, they might’ve just looked like normal pictures, but Connor saw how his lips were being forced into a smile that looked more like a grimace in the senior photo, or how he was shying away from Jared’s arm in one that must’ve been taken when they were six or seven.

He wondered when he had started noticing things like this.

“Connor? Is that you?”

Connor jumped and swung around. “Mrs- I mean, Heidi, what’re you, uh, doing up so early?”

“The third step squeaks,” Heidi said, tucking a stray piece of frizzy blond hair behind her ear.

“Oh- I’m sorry, I just-”

“Don’t worry about it sweetie.” Heidi waved him off, and walked over to him, turning her attention towards the picture Connor had been looking at, one with Evan and Jared sitting on bikes with scraped knees. A fond smile stretched across her face and her voice dropped to a whisper. “He always hated riding bikes,” she mumbled, almost to herself. Connor wrung his hands together anxiously, chuckling under his breath. 

Heidi looked over to him. “Do you want tea?” she asked suddenly, and Connor’s eyebrows shot up at the out-of-the-blue offer.

“Um, okay,” he said following her into the kitchen. Heidi started to boil the kettle, and she gestured for Connor to take a seat at the table. Connor sat down nervously, scratching at his thumbnail. Conversations with adults had never been his strong suit; he always ended up saying something stupid that made them give him their ‘adult look,’ the one with the eyebrows narrowed into a V and the pursed lips. Conversations with boyfriend’s parents usually went even worse. Plus, he had that whole ‘dark and scary’ thing going on that most people didn’t want around their children.

“So.” Heidi’s voice broke the silence, and she sat down across from him, handing him a mug of herbal tea. Connor wrapped his hands around the cup, ignoring the burning feeling, and kept his eyes trained on the table. “How are you, sweetie?”

“I’m good, I guess,” he muttered, not really sure where this conversation was going. 

Heidi took a long sip, and shot him a sympathetic glance. “Evan told me about your parents.”

Oh.

“Yeah, they’re… they’re pretty big assholes,” Connor chuckled drily, staring down at the dark liquid. “Well, Larry is, at least.”

Heidi leaned forward on her elbows, offering him a small smile. “Do you want to talk about it, honey?”

“Not really,” Connor said, biting his lip. 

Heidi nodded understandingly, and switched tactics quickly. “So, you’re in a band, right? How’s that going?” she said, tapping her fingers against the table. “Evan said that you guys were pretty good.”

Connor laughed nervously. “Yeah, it’s fine,” he said, lips twisting into a smile. “It’s fine.” Heidi tilted her head to the side and stared at him. Connor shrunk back into his chair. This five-foot-four woman was scaring the shit out of him, and Connor had no idea why. 

“That’s great,” she said, and even though her tone was sincere, Connor winced. God, he hated this. He felt like he was in a glass box, and Heidi could see right through him.

“You know,” she said suddenly, setting her mug down on the table.” “You know, if you ever change your mind, you can talk to me anytime, alright, sweetie?” Heidi reached across the table and grabbed his hand. 

“Um- uh, okay,” Connor whispered, a little taken aback. Heidi squeezed his hand gently, before releasing it, and launching into a complete subject change; a story about how a patient at the hospital threw an entire plate of spaghetti at her. Now that she wasn’t questioning him anymore, Connor relaxed, and started to open up, laughing for real when Heidi said that the whole thing happened at eight in the morning, and she really wasn’t sure how the patient got spaghetti in the first place.

“What a-are you guys d-doing?” a new voice asked, and Connor turned around to see Evan with his hair sticking out in all different directions, still wearing his pajamas.

“Good morning, honey!” Heidi grinned, gesturing for Evan to sit down next to them. Evan shot Connor one of his still-asleep half-smiles that always made Connor’s heart skip a beat, and he clutched the handle of the mug even tighter. “We were just, uh, talking about breakfast! How does peanut-butter toast sound?”   
  


Evan gave her a skeptical look, but agreed to toast, waiting until she was halfway across the room before whipping towards Connor and whispering frantically under his breath.

“D-Did my mom say anything to you?” Connor laughed, shaking his head, and the blond let out a sigh, and his shoulders relaxing. “Okay, g-good, because she can be r-really embarrassing, and, I d-don’t know-”

“You’re fine, Ev,” Connor grinned, and Evan nodded. He looked as if he was about to say something else, but was interrupted by the slamming of the front door. Evan literally jumped out of his seat, and his face flushed bright red.

Jared’s head poked around the corner, and he strutted into the room, followed by Zoe and Alana, who looked considerably annoyed. “Hi, homos!” he greeted, smirking when Connor flipped him off underneath the table.

Heidi jumped up and wrapped her arms around Jared, flicking the back of his head when he groaned. “Jared Kleinman, I haven’t seen you in forever, you are  _ going  _ to deal with my hugs whether you like it or not,” she chided, but there was a huge smile spreading across her face.

Jared grinned and sat down, kicking his feet up onto the table. “Busy life, Heidi,” he said, ignoring her pointed look at him.

Zoe stepped forward and held out her hand for Heidi to shake, but, just like Connor had been the night before, was pulled into a suffocating hug, making her laugh. Alana grinned, and introduced them to Heidi, and the three somehow got into a conversation about that law classes that Heidi was taking.

There were two taps on his shoulder, and Connor turned to see Evan staring at him with his huge, blue eyes. “Do you, uh, want t-to go do something?” He visibly flinched at the words that had just came out of his mouth. “I mean, we d-don’t have to stay here if you don’t w-want to, I could, uh, show you a-around or something?”

Connor nodded and stood up, draining the rest of his tea and ignoring Jared’s smirk.

***********

Evan pulled the car onto the shoulder of the road and yanked the keys out of the ignition. His hands weren’t actually shaking that much, which was surprising. When Evan had offered to drive, Connor had looked kind of shocked, but slid over to the passenger's seat. Evan was pretty sure that Connor had thought that Evan didn’t have his license. Then, Evan had to explain that he  _ could  _ drive, he just really hated to, especially in the city. Small-town-in-the-middle-of-nowhere, Wisconsin, wasn’t too bad, but the thought of driving in New York with it’s thousands of cars and people everywhere, made Evan want to cry.

Connor peered out his window, and grinned. “Nice park, Hansen.”

“Yeah, uh, me and J-Jared used to come here all the time,” Evan muttered, a little embarrassed that he had taken his boyfriend-the guy that had travelled to over 19 different countries- to a  _ playground.  _ But he really hadn’t been thinking when he offered to show Connor around, because the number of places that Evan frequently visited when he lived here was pretty low- unless, he was counting school or his own house, which Evan was not.

The park was empty, seeing as it was literally almost December _ ,  _ which was definitely a good thing, because apparently, everyone now knew that Evan Hansen was dating Connor Murphy, and Heidi had been questioned about it on numerous occasions now. Evan had felt really bad  about that when she told him, but Heidi had just smiled, and said that it was okay, and it got her free coffee at the store down the street anyways.

That made something in Evan’s stomach twist, but he didn’t exactly know why.

Connor immediately headed for the chipped blue swing set in the corner, calling out for Evan to come push him. Evan huffed out a protest, but Connor just gave him puppy-dog eyes, and Evan begrudgingly shoved him. “You’re such a c-child, Con.”

Connor ignored him, and instead let out a laugh, pumping his legs into the air. “Jesus Christ, I haven’t done this in forever!” His hair was sparkling in the sunlight, and Evan grinned, wrapping Connor’s sweater around him tightly. He was pretty sure at this point, he owned more of his boyfriend’s clothing than Connor did.

Evan sat in the swing next to him, and rocked back and forth, keeping his feet on the ground. Not much had changed since the last time he had been here. The old oak tree that Jared and Evan used to climb still stood in the corner, and Evan grimaced a little.

_ “C’mon, Acorn!” Jared called from the ground. “You can jump, it’s not that scary! I just did it!” _

_ Evan bit his lip, and gripped onto the branch. He wished that Jared hadn’t made him climb this high in the first place. “Um, I d-don’t, uh, want to,” he whispered, tugging his baby blue windbreaker that kids at school last year had called ‘girly’ around him. He didn’t know how clothing could be ‘girly,’ but they knew a lot of things that Evan didn’t, so maybe they were right. _

_ “Hurry up! Stop being such a chicken!” Evan took a deep breath, and climbed slowly down the tree, gripping each branch tightly so that he wouldn’t fall. Falling out of a tree would probably hurt, and Evan cried whenever he got so much as a scraped knee, so he didn’t think that he would deal well with breaking a bone or anything like that. _

_ “You’re such a loser,” Jared said, rolling his eyes. “Why couldn’t you have just jumped? It wasn’t even that far off the ground!” _

_ Evan’s eyes widened. “My m-mom says you s-shouldn’t call your f-f-friends ‘losers,’ Jared!”   _

_ Jared rolled his eyes again, and Evan wondered if they were going to get stuck like that. He had been doing it a lot lately. Evan didn’t think it was very nice, especially when Jared did it to him after he had been rambling on for too long. But Jared wasn’t the nicest person. He did let Evan play with his race cars though, so he couldn’t be all that bad, right? _

_ “We’re not actually friends,” Jared explained, waving his hands around. “We’re family friends. It’s different.” _

_ Evan didn’t understand. “What’s a f-family friend?” _

_ “It’s like… someone that you play with, just because your mom says you have to,” Jared said, furrowing his brow a little. _

_ “Your m-mom makes you p-play with me?” Evan asked, his face falling.  _

_ “Yeah!” Jared exclaimed, glad that Evan finally got it.  _

_ “O-Oh.” _

_ Jared laughed and slung an arm around Evan’s shoulders. “Anyways, do you want to come to my house for lunch? My mom’s making smiley fries!” _

_ Evan knew that he had to. His mom had told him earlier that morning that she wouldn’t be home until late that night, because she had to go to work, and Jared’s mom had said that he could stay over all night. She was always at work. Evan barely saw her anymore.  _

_ “Um, s-sure.”  _

_ “Okay!” Jared grinned, leading him out of the park. “So, who do you want to be your teacher this year? I hope we both get the same one, because then you can sharpen all my pencils for me!” _

_ Evan didn’t really want to sharpen Jared’s pencils, but maybe that was what friends-or family friends- did for each other. He wouldn’t know. The only person that he talked to was Jared. All the other kids just made fun of his stutter. “Yeah, m-maybe,” he agreed, looking back towards the quiet park. _

_ He wanted to be back up in the tree. At least then he would be alone. _

“Evan? You there?” Connor had stopped swinging, and was staring at Evan with a concerned look on his face. “You spaced out.”

“Oh- oh yeah, I’m f-fine,” Evan said, wrenching his gaze away from the tree. That had been the first time that Jared had called Evan his ‘family friend’ and he didn’t stop until senior year, when Evan finally got up the nerve to tell him how he really felt.

Connor pursed his lips and leaned back, tipping his head up towards the sky. “Okay,” he breathed, closing his eyes. “It’s really fucking quiet out here.” 

Evan had never really payed attention to the fact that he had taken the silence for granted until he moved to New York, and had been greeted by car horns and loud banging at all hours during the night. “Yeah,” he nodded, copying Connor’s head movements. They sat like that for what Evan thought was a few minutes-but what could’ve been longer, he completely lost track of time-  just talking quietly about whatever came to their minds, until the buzz of Connor’s phone yanked them out of whatever trance they had been in.

“It’s...Jared?” Connor said, frowning down at the screen. “He says he wants us to meet him at the  _ bowling alley?” _

Evan laughed. “Jared u-used to be the t-team captain of our school’s b-bowling team.”

Connor looked at him with wide eyes. “Your school had a fucking  _ bowling  _ team?” he asked, and Evan nodded. “And Kleinman was the  _ captain?”  _ Another nod. “Oh, there is no fucking way I’m letting him beat me.” Connor jumped up from the swing and started towards the car, furiously tapping at his phone.

Evan rolled his eyes and grinned. 

**********

“Evan?” 

Evan’s head shot up from the picture that he had been looking at from the five of them yesterday at bowling. Heidi crouched down, peering at the photo over his shoulder. They were standing in a line, all holding bowling balls, even though Connor was looking at it as if he kind of wanted to kill it. Connor had been terrible at bowling, getting a gutter ball almost every time it was his turn and had made him and Evan lose by an insane amount. He had been especially pissed at Jared, who beat all of them single-handedly.

“Where’s Connor?” Heidi asked.

“U-Upstairs,” Evan said, shoving the photo back into the stack that he had gotten printed that he was planning to give to Connor. “I think he fell a-asleep.”

Heidi chuckled, and slid down to floor, leaning against the couch. “I was talking to him yesterday,” she said, which was obvious, Evan had walked in on them, but it still made Evan’s stomach knot uncomfortably.

“Um, y-yeah?” he stuttered, searching his mother’s face for any sign of what she was about to say. 

“Yeah,” Heidi smiled. “He seems like a really nice boy, honey.”

Evan let out a sigh of relief. “Thank g-goodness,” he muttered under his breath, because what if his mother had hated Connor? Which didn’t really make sense; Heidi was the one who had told him to talk to Connor after they had broken up, but Evan wasn’t always in control of his worries.

“But- honestly, how’re you feeling, honey? You can tell me anything,” Heidi said, patting his shoulder kind of awkwardly, but Evan appreciated the effort anyways.

“G-Good, actually,” he replied, and it wasn’t a lie, either. Things were good. “Connor, and Z-Zoe, and Jared, and Alana- they’re a-all great.”

“Good,” Heidi breathed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “I guess you don’t need your old mom around anymore, do ya?”

The joke kind of fell flat, because honestly, even though Heidi tried, she had never really been around in the first place. But Evan still let out a small laugh, and smiled at her.

“I love you, honey,” Heidi said, a worried look crossing over her eyes. “You know that, right? I love you so much, and you can call me anytime, no matter what. I’m just a phone call away.”

Evan nodded, and leaned into her arms that were open for a hug. “I l-love you too,” he said quietly, letting Heidi squeeze him tightly.

“You’re always gonna be my little boy, Evan,” she grinned, and Evan could feel his face heating up.

“Oh god,  _ m-mom,” _

Heidi beamed, and picked herself up off the floor. “Now, honey, why don’t you tell me about Connor?” She raised an eyebrow, and Evan laughed nervously.

“Well, uh, he’s really funny- and, and e-easy to talk to?” he stuttered, standing up next to his mother. “And, you know, he’s- nice.” Evan winced at his description of Connor, because there was so much more that he could say. Like all the times that he would order for Evan, when he knew that Evan couldn’t do it himself. Or how whenever was feeling especially anxious, he would make terrible jokes that Evan couldn’t help but laugh at.  

“I’m so glad,” Heidi smiled, glancing up at the clock. “I’m gonna go to bed now, okay? Don’t stay up too late.” The last part seemed almost automatic, a reaction from all the times she had left Evan alone in the house at night.

“I won’t,” he promised, and Heidi kissed him on the forehead, and left him alone sitting on the floor of his living room.

**********

“No, no, that’s so wrong- do you even know how to peel a fucking carrot?!”

Connor glared at Jared, and threw the mutilated carrot on the ground. “Well,  _ I’m sorry _ we can’t all be as amazing as Jared Kleinman!” Evan laughed from his spot at the stove, and Zoe snickered, kicking her legs back and forth from her seat on top of Evan’s kitchen counter.

“Aw, is Connie a bad cook?” she mocked in a baby voice, reaching out to tug at one of his curls.

“Shut the fuck up, Zoe,” Connor muttered, the tips of his ears turning pink.

Jared rolled his eyes, and snatched the peeler from Connor’s fingers. “Just… chop a potato or something, and stay out of my way.”

Connor calmly cut the potato in half, and before anyone could react, he smashed it into Jared’s face, sending the entire group into laughter; the kind that makes your face turn red and makes your sides hurt. Evan wiped the tears from his eyes, and giggled, ignoring the boiling water that he was supposed to be looking after.

Jared shot him a death stare and opened his mouth, probably about to release a barrage of insults, when Connor’s phone rang loudly. “Really, Murphy? Your ringtone is fucking  _ ‘Defying Gravity?’  _ That’s so-” Jared cut himself off when he saw Connor staring down at the phone with wide eyes. “Murphy? You good?”   
  
“What? Oh- yeah,” he muttered, eyes glued to the phone. “I should- uh, go-” He stood up and walked out of the kitchen with no further explanation, bringing the device up to his ear.

Zoe stared at his retreating figure for a second, before hopping off the counter. “I’m gonna go make sure he’s okay,” she murmured, shooting Alana a look and rushing after him. 

Evan bit his lip, a million different ideas on who that could be rushing through his head. He glanced over at Alana, who was staring at the doorway. “S-Should we-?”

Alana shook her head. “No, they’re fine.” It sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than Evan.

Evan bit his lip, and stared down at his hands. He tried to reassure himself that there was a lot of people who could be on the other end of that phone, and he needed to calm down.

The only sound was the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade playing from the living room that Zoe had forced them to put on. Alana kept shooting glances at the door, her hand absentmindedly picking at strands of hair and Jared was wiping bits of potato out of his eyes with a concerned look on his face. 

The minutes ticked by, and Evan’s stomach twisted into knots. Was he overreacting over this? Probably. Connor was fine. Wasn’t he? He bit down on his fingernail, wincing when he broke the skin. Evan shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans, partly to stop biting his nails and partly so that Alana and Jared wouldn’t notice them shaking.

It took over a half hour for them to come back; Zoe walking in first with a slightly confused look and Connor behind her, slipping his phone back into his pocket.   
  


“Who was that?” Alana broke the silence, and Zoe raised her eyebrows at Connor.

“It was just, uh, Cynthia,” he mumbled, sliding into a chair. “She just wanted to see how we were doing and say happy Thanksgiving, and…yeah.” 

“That’s- that’s g-good, right?” Evan asked, frowning a little. 

“Yeah,” Zoe jumped in. She ran her fingers through her hair, and shot a look that Evan didn’t really understand at her brother, who gave a quick nod in agreement, so fast that Evan barely even saw it happen. “It’s good.”

Evan wondered if anything else had happened up there, other then what Connor had said.

The kitchen lapsed back into silence.

**********

“Yes, that’s it- no, shuffle-ball- _ change _ , not- okay, that wasn’t close at all.”

Evan giggled, and leaned against the back of the couch, watching Connor attempt to teach Heidi how to tap. Jared had kicked everyone out of the kitchen hours ago, saying that they were ‘ruining the mood’ or whatever, and Zoe and Alana had went back over to Jared’s house. Which lead to Evan and Connor watching the parade, which then lead to Connor saying that he could tap way better than any of those kids, which  _ then  _ somehow lead to Connor launching into a complicated tap routine that Heidi happened to walk in on.

The song that had been playing on Connor’s phone ended, and Connor reached over to restart it, laughing when Heidi got her feet caught together. 

“Honey, this is impossible!” she laughed, sitting down on the couch next to her son. Evan grinned, and Connor winked at him.

“S-Show-off,” Evan mumbled, immediately regretting it the second it came out of his mouth.

Connor just laughed, making him let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Cutie.”

Heidi cleared her throat, and sent a playful glare Connor’s way. “His  _ mother  _ is here,” she warned, making Evan burn bright red.

“Mom!” he cried, and Heidi chuckled at the two.

“Just messing with you, sweetie.” She ruffled his hair, and Evan turned a shade darker, if that was even possible.

Connor chuckled lightly, and stood up, making some excuse about having to go to the bathroom. Evan smiled at him, and waited before he was out of the room before turning to his mom with wide eyes.  _ “Mom!” _

Heidi laughed again, and opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, but was cut off by the ringing of her phone. “Sorry, Ev, I have to take this,” she said, stepping out of the room, leaving Evan alone.

He sunk back into the couch, watching the electric fireplace crackle. They had used to have a real one, until Evan had been old enough to realize that the house could burn down by the fire, and wouldn’t sleep at night if his parents were still downstairs, and the fire was still burning. Heidi had ended up having to replace it, and personally, Evan thought that the fake one was nicer, anyways.

He was so caught up in his thoughts about the  _ fireplace, for goodness’ sakes,  _ that he didn’t even notice that Heidi had walked back in the room until she was standing right in front of him.

“Um, honey?” Evan looked up, and his heart sunk. Guilt was spread across her face, and she was wearing the expression that she always had whenever she was about to break bad news to him. 

“Y-Yeah?” Evan crumpled his fingers into the fabric of his shirt and gulped.

Heidi twisted her lips into a frown, and Evan braced himself for the inevitable. “I’m really, really sorry, but Karen just called me, and she’s really sick, and she can’t go to work- and I said I’d go in for her.” There it was. “I’m so sorry.”

“O-Oh.” Evan muttered, gnawing at his bottom lip. He stared down at his feet.

Heidi sighed, and ran a hand through her hair. “You’re still here tomorrow morning though, right? How about we go to that cute little breakfast place that you always loved?”

Evan didn’t have the heart to tell her that him and Connor had went there yesterday morning, while she was still asleep. “Yeah, maybe,” he said flatly.

“Okay.” Heidi looked as if she wanted to say something, but she pressed her lips together, curving them up into a forced smile. “Have fun, alright? I love you.”

“You t-too,” Evan muttered, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. He could hear Heidi and Jared talking to each other in the kitchen, and the door slamming shut. Connor’s phone was still playing music, and Evan glared at it.

“Okay, so I was thinking- where’s Heidi?” Connor walked back into the room with a grin, before looking around in confusion.

“Work.” 

“Oh.”

Evan pursed his lips together, not really sure what to feel. Everything was fighting for space in his head, and he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Are you okay?” Connor moved closer, and placed a hand gently on his shoulder.

“I’m f-fine.”

“Eva-”

“I said I-I’m fine!” Evan snapped. Connor took his hand away, and guilt bubbled up in his stomach. “C-Con-”

“No, it’s okay.” Connor grabbed his shoulder again, and they sat down on the couch together.

“I’m s-sorry-”

“I said it was okay,” Connor interrupted, rubbing little circles on Evan’s back.

Evan sighed, and buried his head in his hands. “I don’t know, I j-just thought- I just th-thought that it was  _ different  _ this time, y-you know?” 

“I know.”

“And, I’m s-so stupid and  _ selfish-” _

“You’re not.” 

“Yes, I  _ a-am,  _ Connor-”

“You’re not.”

Evan fell silent, and he bit his lip. He felt so  _ dumb _ , for wanting his mom to stay, because she literally did  _ everything  _ for him. Heidi was the only reason that he was in college, hell, she was the only reason why he was here right now. But that didn’t stop the thoughts of anger and sadness from creeping out from the corners of his mind, pushing their way to the front of his head.  _ Why was he like this?  _

The song on Connor’s phone switched to “To Make You Feel My Love,” which surprised Evan. Connor stood up gently, extending a hand towards Evan.

Evan just looked at it in confusion, and Connor just wiggled his fingers impatiently. “Connor-”

“Dance with me,” he said simply, and Evan sighed. He really wasn’t in the mood for this.

“C-Con, I can’t da-dance, you know that-”

“I’ll teach you.” When it became clear that Evan wasn’t budging, Connor grabbed his wrist and yanked him to his feet, and a strange sense of déjà vu washed over Evan. It kind of reminded him of the first time they met, when Evan was refusing to get up, and Connor was standing above him, waiting. Except this time, they weren’t in a bathroom, Evan wasn’t crying, and they both knew a whole lot more about the other person. 

Connor placed Evan’s arms around his neck, and wrapped his own around the shorter boy’s waist. Connor swayed from side to side, and Evan followed, laying his head against Connor’s chest. He stepped on Connor’s toes, which made Connor  _ giggle,  _ and Evan turned red.

“I love you,” Connor said quietly into Evan’s ear.

“I l-love you, too,” Evan whispered, and Connor spun him around.

**********

**_@forforeverofficial_ ** _ tagged you in a photo _

**_@forforeverofficial:_ ** _ Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Featuring my lovely brother dancing with his boyfriend;) _

**_@theinsanleycooljk, @abeck11, @connormurphy, @zoemurphy_ ** _ and 42,678 others liked a photo you’re tagged in _

**_@connormurphy_ ** _ tagged you in a comment: what?? the?? fuck?? @zoemurphy @treelover36 _

**_@zoemurphy_ ** _ replied to a comment you’re tagged in: it was alana’s idea @connormurphy _

**_@connormurphy_ ** _ replied to a comment you’re tagged in: im kinda terrified now @zoemurphy @abeck11 _

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**_@conmanmurph, @zozomurphy, @murphysiblingsrlife_ ** _ and 3,364 liked a comment you were tagged in _

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took waaayyy longer than necessary to write, whoops
> 
> but next chapter, we're going to get some connor backstory!!
> 
> thanks for reading, and leave a comment and kudos because they make me smile so much!!! <33


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> memories suck, and that's why connor tries to forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow, another chapter? that's strange.
> 
> trigger warning: emotional/physiological abuse

**_You have one new message from: Ev <33333_ **

**Ev <333333: ** Good night, Connor! Thanks for the ride home! :)

**Me:** night ev

**Me:** love you

**Ev <33333: ** Love you, too:)

**********

Connor slammed the door behind him, and threw his bag down on the ground, not really caring where it landed. He walked straight into his bedroom, ignoring the mess that his apartment was in. He could clean it up later.

Connor collapsed onto his bed, and buried his head into the mountain of pillows, letting out a sigh. Jared had been talking the entire flight home, and all Connor wanted to do was sleep, and forget about everything that seemed to be building up like blocks, stacking one on top of the other.

But nothing was happening. Everything was moving too fast, and Connor felt as if the world was spinning around him at an alarming rate. He groaned, pushing himself into a sitting position and grabbing his guitar. He started to pluck at the strings; strumming out the chords to a song that him and Zoe had written a long time ago. Usually, the soft noise would distract Connor from all the thoughts racing around in his head like a freight train, but not tonight apparently.

He exhaled, and set his head back against the bulletin board hanging above his bed, filled with pictures of Zoe, Alana, Jared and  _ Evan.  _ Pictures of Evan, with his sweet smile, and his polo shirts, and his fucking  _ giggle.  _ It always somehow went back to Evan,didn’t it? Which was kind of creepy. But Evan was different than anyone he’d ever met. Evan was nice, and funny,  and he didn’t push Connor. He was always  _ there _ , damnit, and Connor was terrified of him. 

Actually, that wasn’t true. Connor wasn’t scared of  _ Evan,  _ he was scared of the fact that one day, he was going to turn around, and Evan would be gone.

And he’s been  _ over  _ this, he thought that he wasn’t like this anymore, but ever since what happened a few weeks ago, Connor’s been just  _ waiting _ for the text message from Evan, the one that says he’s not coming back, for good this time. The one that says that Connor’s not good enough for him. The one that says he’s done.

Connor groaned. Fuck, what’s wrong with him?

That’s a question that Connor’s been asked for years.

_ \--- _

_ Connor really didn’t want to go to this party. At all. But their new manager, Alana, had insisted that they needed to “get out!” and “socialize with people!” Normally, this would’ve been the time where he would’ve fired her, but Alana also happened to be his sister’s girlfriend, and Zoe would totally kick his ass if he tried to disagree with her.  _

_ He leaned against the wall, taking a gulp of some drink that had been shoved into his hands as soon as he had walked in the door. Alana and Zoe had disappeared an hour, leaving Connor by himself in a some celebrity's house full of drunk assholes. _

_ Connor just wanted to go home. _

_ “I like your nail polish.” _

_ Connor whipped towards the sound, to find a tall man with long, dark hair smirking at him. “Oh- um, thanks,” he said, staring down at his hot-pink nails. Zoe had asked him if she could paint them that colour, and even though he really didn’t want her to, he let her do it anyway. _

_ “You’re Connor Murphy, right?” The man leaned closer, and Connor could see the swirls of chocolate brown in his green eyes.  _

_ “Yeah,” Connor said. His heart jumped as a smile spread across the other man’s lips, lighting up his entire face. _

_ “I’m Thomas. Thomas Oliver.” Connor nodded nervously, and they fell back into silence, staring at the sweaty bodies dancing to a loud pop song that made Connor’s head spin. He took a sip of his drink, trying to ignore the burning feeling in his stomach. _

_ “What’s wrong with you, you don’t like parties or something?” Thomas teased, a smirk spreading across his lips. _

_ Connor snorted. “Yeah, ‘or something,’” he said, and Thomas laughed. _

_ The song switched to a slow song that had been on the radio a few years back, and Thomas cleared his throat. “Do you want to dance?” he asked, smiling when Connor turned towards him in confusion. “Might as well do something with the shitty music, am I right?” _

_ Connor glanced out at the crowded dance floor, and back at the corner of the room where he had been hiding out. Here, he was safe. He could decline, and Thomas would just go off and find some other pretty boy to dance with. _

_ Connor realized he didn’t want that. _

_ “Sure.” _

_ \--- _

_ “Baby? You home?” Heavy footsteps came closer towards Connor. “Connor?” _

_ “Mm?” Connor didn’t lift his eyes from the strings of his guitar, instead choosing to strum another chord, wincing when a sour sound echoed through the room. Thomas reached down, and lifted his hands away from the instrument, ignoring his noise of protest.  _

_ “Connor, what the fuck? How long have you been sitting here?” Connor rubbed his eyes, and glanced at the clock. 10:57. Huh. He didn’t remember it getting so late. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember moving at all in the past twelve hours. Did he even eat lunch? _

_ “Uh, not that long,” he lied, staring down at his nails. Thomas glared at him, taking in his messy hair, red eyes, and rumpled clothing. _

_ “Damn it, Connor, you can’t keep doing this!” His tone was sharp, and Connor flinched. “What the hell?” _

_ “I’m sorry, okay?” Connor said defensively. “I just had to finish writing this, Zoe wanted it to be done for next week.” He tried to gather all the papers filled with lyrics and chords, but Thomas leaned over his shoulder, plucking a sheet out of his fingertips. “‘Waving Through A Window?’ Is that the name of a song or something?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “That’s fucking stupid.” _

_ Connor’s stomach dropped, and he snatched it out of Thomas’ hand. “It’s just a rough draft,” he snarled, shoving it into his messenger bag. The papers wouldn’t fit in right, and he growled in the back of his throat, crumpling them into little balls and pushing them to the bottom. _

_ Thomas’ face softened, and he placed his hand over Connor’s, stopping his frantic movements. “I’m sorry,” he said, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles.. “I just worry about you, okay?” _

_ “Whatever.” _

_ Thomas frowned. “Connor.” _

_ Connor didn’t answer. _

_ The taller man made an aggravated noise, and withdrew his hand. “What’s wrong with you tonight?” he snapped, standing up abruptly. His eyebrows were knotted together, and Connor glowered back. “You’re being a dick!” _

_ “Me?” Connor cried. “I’m not the one who fucking-” _

_ “Shut up, Connor!” Thomas yelled over him, storming out of the room. Connor could hear the front door slam shut, and the apartment was filled with silence.  _

_ \---  _

_ Connor was trying to make pasta, and it wasn’t working at all.  _

_ Thomas had been acting weird for a few days, always closed-off and snarky, immediately looking for a reason to start an argument. Connor just figured that maybe he was stressed or something, and he had tried to make spaghetti for the two of them; a romantic, candlelit dinner that people in movies and books always ended up getting laid afterwards, for their six-month anniversary. Connor honestly thought that celebrating anniversaries were bullshit, but Thomas seemed like the kind of guy to like that stuff. _

_ But Connor had forgotten about the teeny, tiny fact that he couldn’t cook, and he had ended up burning the noodles, something that he had previously thought was impossible. How does a person burn fucking noodles? Thick, black clouds were pouring through the apartment, and the smoke detector was beeping obsessively, giving Connor a headache. _

_ Of course, Thomas picked the perfect time to come home. _

_ “What the fuck is going on here?!” Thomas yelled, grabbing a dish towel off the counter and smacking it against the ceiling until the smoke detector shut off. He glared at Connor, and Connor’s stomach twisted. _

_ “I was, uh, trying to make supper,” Connor explained lamely, taking a step back from the icy stare that was focused on him. “You just seemed off lately, and-” _

_ “What do you mean by that?” Thomas spat, tossing the towel to the ground.  _

_ “Nothing! I just thought it would be a good idea. For our anniversary.” Connor gnawed at his bottom lip, and Thomas sighed. _

_ “Whatever,” he grumbled, taking in the sight of the messed-up kitchen; dirty dishes everywhere and ingredients strewn across the countertops. Thomas hated when things were messy. “Did you talk to your dad yet?” _

_ Connor frowned. Thomas had been at him for weeks to talk to Larry about him recording a song or some shit. It wasn’t that Thomas was a bad singer or anything, in fact, he was really good, but there was no way that Connor could ever ask Larry for a favour. Not in this lifetime. _

_ “No, but-” _

_ “What the fuck, Connor?!” Thomas eyes flashed green, and Connor wanted to melt into the floor. “I asked you about this forever ago! What’s wrong with you?!”  _

_ Thomas kept yelling, and there was a time when Connor would’ve yelled back, or broke something, or told him to shut the fuck up. Maybe, if it was any night other than tonight, he would’ve. But he was sick of the screaming, sick of the fighting, so he just stood there, and listened to Thomas call him worthless. He just needs to get this off of his chest, reasoned Connor. He doesn’t mean it. _

_ “God, you’re such a fucking freak!” Thomas screamed, pushing Connor out of the way and slamming the door of their bedroom behind him. Connor didn’t move, his heart pounding in his chest. Thomas knew how he felt about being called that. Connor had told him one night after waking up from a terrifying nightmare, and Thomas had promised that he would never, ever say that to him. He said that Connor wasn’t a freak. _

_ Connor told himself that Thomas had just been caught up in the moment. Thomas was just stressed out. That’s all. _

_ Two hours later, Connor had resigned himself to sleeping on the couch, when Thomas crept out of their bedroom, and apologized profusely, saying that he had been having a bad day and he didn’t know what had gotten into him. Connor knew all about bad days, and he had given him a small smile. Thomas insisted that they stay up and watch old ‘Friends’ re-runs, and even though all Connor wanted to do was curl up and sleep for a thousand years, he let Thomas pull him onto the couch and wrap an arm around him. This was the last place he wanted to be right now, but he forced himself to laugh at the right times, and Thomas kissed him and said that he loved him.  _

_ Thomas was just stressed out. _

_ That’s all.  _

_ \--- _

Connor hadn’t even realized that he had stopped playing the guitar, until the strings started to dig into his fingertips from keeping them in one position for too long. He cursed, and set the guitar on the floor gently.

He knew better. He knew what had really happened all those months ago, and he knew it wasn’t normal, or, it  _ shouldn’t  _ be. Connor wasn’t scared anymore- or, at least, that’s what he wanted to believe. And he didn’t need  _ help,  _ not from Evan, not from Zoe, not from anyone. He was fine.

Connor flopped back down, and if he tilted his head at the right angle, he could see a sliver of the moon through his window. Sighing, he let his hair hang over his eyes, cutting his vision into strips, and curled into a ball on top of the covers, tucking his knees into his chest.

Connor didn’t really sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, I really hate thomas
> 
> in case anyone was wondering, the song that connor was playing at the beginning was a version of requiem
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr @seconddegreeburns
> 
> thanks for reading, and leave a comment or kudos!!! <33


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> viral videos, concerned boyfriends and broken coffee machines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: discussion of suicide attempt and depression

_ Today’s Headline News: ‘For Forever’ announces release date of new album for New Year’s Eve. See also: ‘You Will Be Found’ posts video that goes viral in under twenty-four hours.  _

  
  


When Evan had agreed to write a speech, he really didn’t think that it was going to be plastered across every corner of the internet.

 

Alana had gotten the five of them together two days after they got back from his mom’s house, saying that they needed to ‘step up our game’ and ‘get back out there!’ Which was immediately followed by her turning to Evan with an earnest grin, and asking if he would write a speech to post on the website.

 

Evan really didn’t want to do it. At all. He wasn’t inspirational like Zoe, or funny like Jared, or able to spew out seventeen pages at the drop of a hat like Alana. Even Connor would be able to get people to read it, just because, well, he was Connor Murphy.

 

Evan was none of that. But he had barely done anything, except for come up with the name and basically have a panic attack on live television, which he didn’t exactly count as helping. So he had smiled, and said yes, of course he would, why not?

 

Honestly, he had expected Alana to rewrite the whole thing the second she saw it. But she had loved it, and insisted that Evan record it and post it  _ everywhere.  _ Which was really nerve-wracking every time he opened his phone, and the thumbnail of the video-that now had over three million hits- with his face on it popped up on yet another website, saying how inspirational it was.

 

People really seemed to like it, he guessed. For some reason.

 

On top of that, Connor had been acting…different ever since they had gotten back. It wasn’t that noticeable at first, mostly little things, like the fact that he would only send one word answers in texts, or how he would cancel plans at the last minute. At first, Evan had just thought that it was because he was busy working on finishing the album, but even after it was done, and Alana had promoted the hell out of its release for New Year’s, nothing with Connor had changed. The one time that Evan had seen Connor since they had been back- they had went to watch some action movie in a private theater- he had this vacant look in his eyes, and seemed out of it the entire time.

 

And Evan was slightly nervous. Okay, maybe more than slightly. He was a lot nervous. Because Evan recognized those signs. He knew how much easier it is to push everyone away, how much easier it is to just ignore everything, instead of just talking to someone. Talking was hard. Talking _is_ hard. And he couldn’t just pat Connor on the back, tell him that everything was okay and that he should just open up, when it had taken him _years_ to even hint to his mother that he needed help.

 

Connor had done  _ everything  _ for him, and Evan couldn’t even work up the nerve to haul his ass over to his apartment and ask if he was okay.

 

Pathetic.

  
  


_ Evan was crying. Again. _

 

_ He didn’t know exactly how long he had been sitting on his bedroom floor, but the sound of his mother’s car pulling into the driveway let him know that it was definitely more than a few hours at least. He curled tighter into himself, hoping that his mom would just go straight to bed and ignore his light that was still turned on, even though he was usually fast asleep by now. _

 

_ “Evan? Evan, honey, are you awake?” Evan gasped back a sob as his mother’s soft voice floated through the walls. His door creaked open, and Heidi’s concerned face peered down at him. _

 

_ “Oh my goodness, sweetie, what’s wrong?” His mom rushed into the room, crouching down next to him, holding her arms out for a hug. Evan flinched back slightly, tears building up in his eyes when he saw the hurt look flit across her face. He let out a strangled gasp, and leaned forward, letting his mom squeeze him gently. _

 

_ “I- I’m s-sorry,” he choked out, and Heidi shushed him. _

 

_ “It’s okay,” she murmured. “What happened, Evan?” _

 

_ Evan couldn’t tell her, he couldn’t. “Nothing- I c-can’t- it’s- it’s-” He was starting to hyperventilate again and he twisted his fingers around the frayed edges of his rug, grounding himself to reality. “You’ll- you’ll h-hate me, you’ll hate me, I know you will, you will, I’m- I’m sorry, so sorry-” _

 

_ Heidi felt as if her heart was breaking in two. “I could never, ever hate you, honey,” she said softly. She started to rock back and forth gently, and waited until Evan stopped full-on sobbing to talk again. “Do you- do you want to talk about it?” _

 

_ He didn’t, he really didn’t, but he was so sick of it poking at him from the back of his mind, always taunting him. Evan tried to take a deep breath, and it hitched in his chest. _

 

_ “Uh- you know w-when I- when I b-broke my arm?” Heidi nodded, her eyes growing wide, and Evan used his sleeve to wipe the tears off of his face. “I- I didn’t fall, exactly, I, um- I- I- I- _

 

_ Heidi looked as if her world had crumbled into dust; her face pale and eyes wide. Evan didn’t say anything else, just dropped his eyes down and tried to keep his breathing in check. She got what he was trying to say. _

 

_ Heidi brushed his hair out of his face, and hugged him tighter. “I- I didn’t know that you- that you felt that way,” she whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.” _

 

_ “It’s n-not your f-f-fault,” Evan sniffed, and it wasn’t. It wasn’t her fault that he was such a mess, that he was like this. _

 

_ “We’re- we’re going to get you help, okay? It’s all going to be fine.” Heidi seemed to be convincing herself more than Evan. “It’s going to get better, baby, I promise.” _

 

_ Evan just nodded blankly, and rested his head against the shoulder of his mom’s scrubs. He felt empty; the secret that he had kept for months finally out in the open, and he shut his eyes tightly. _

 

_ “It’s going to get better.” _

 

**********

 

The damn coffee machine was broken again.

 

It had stopped working around three hours ago, for the fifth time that week, which was really embarrassing whenever a customer came into the café and Evan had to explain that the  _ coffee shop  _ didn’t have  _ coffee. _

 

Evan was seriously contemplating throwing it out into the raging blizzard that was going on outside, when the bell above the door rang, and Alana and Zoe rushed in, followed slowly by Connor, who was staring at something on his phone.

 

“I need caffeine,” Alana said, sitting across from him and throwing her mitts on the counter. Snow started to melt off of them, leaving a pool of water on the counter that Evan was definitely going to have to clean up later.

 

“No, you don’t,” Zoe contradicted, pushing Connor into the seat next to her. He didn’t look up. “Lana, you can’t just not sleep, and drink coffee all the time.” Zoe stuck her arms out towards her girlfriend and sent Evan a pleading glance. “She really doesn’t. She hasn’t slept in like, four days. That’s not healthy, right?”

 

“Whatever, Zo.” Alana waved her off, turning to Evan. “Coffee. Now.” Evan sighed and pressed a few buttons, wincing when nothing happened. Alana didn’t even seem to notice. “Anyways, did you see the video?”

 

“How can you not see it?” Jared said, appearing from the back room and waltzing over to the coffee machine. He smacked its side a few times, and Evan felt like screaming when a stream of liquid came out. “It’s literally everywhere.”

 

“I know,” Alana beamed; Zoe nodding in agreement. “Isn’t it great?”

 

Jared slid a cup that probably had way too many shots of espresso in it over to Alana, and she knocked back half the drink in under ten seconds. “Yeah, yeah, Evan’s great, you’re great, we’re all great,” he droned. “But, like, did you see our follower count on the page?” Jared launched into a detailed description of statistics and computer programs that Zoe and Alana seemed to understand, but had Evan completely lost. He sneaked a glance over to Connor, who was still staring intently at the screen, eyes slightly wider than normal.

 

“Um, hey,” Evan said quietly, moving around the counter and slipping into the stool next to Connor. “W-what are you, uh, doing?”

 

Connor shoved his phone into his pocket and stared up at Evan for the first time. Evan’s heart plunged to the bottom of his stomach. His eyes were sunken and dark, and his face was paler than normal. Connor’s usually soft hair was greasy, hanging limply down his shoulders from underneath his green hat that he hadn’t bothered to take off.

 

“Nothing,” he said. “It’s nothing.”

 

Evan bit his lip. “Are you- are you okay?” Connor raised an eyebrow, and the shorter boy swallowed. “It’s just, uh, you’ve been acting strange lately- not that you’re  _ strange _ , ha, but, um…” He trailed off, and Connor avoided his eyes, staring down at the table intently.

 

“It’s nothing,” Connor repeated, and this time, there was a trace of anger in it. “Just drop it, okay?” 

 

“But-”

 

_ “Drop it,” _ Connor hissed, and Evan yanked his hand back from where he was about it place it over Connor’s. The brunet's eyes fell back down the dark countertop, and Evan scratched his neck awkwardly, his face burning. He  _ wanted  _ to say something, but the words were stuck like glue in the back of his throat.

 

“Evan? Evan, did you hear what I said?” Alana snapped her fingers in front of his face, and Evan jumped. 

 

“S-Sorry,” he muttered, but Alana just waved him off.

 

“It’s fine,” she said impatiently. “Okay, so, um, you’re all probably going to hate me after I say this-”

 

“Then don’t say it.”

 

“Shut up, Jared. Okay, you know the album, obviously,” Alana said, shooting them all a guilty smile. “Well, in, uh, celebration of this, I’ve made the executive decision that we’ll be having an album release party!” She poured enthusiasm into her voice and did jazz hands, earning her three looks of disbelief.

 

“H-Huh?”

 

“You did  _ what _ ?”

 

Alana dropped her hands back down to her lap and sighed. “Yeah, I know. But, a bunch of important people crowded into one room is the best way to gain more publicity.” She knitted her eyebrows together. “Just trust me on this one.”

 

Jared snorted. “You guys have fun with that.”

 

“You’re coming too.”

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

Alana pursed her lips. “It would look bad if we weren’t all there,” she said, and there was a worried undertone to her voice, as if she was scared that they were going to refuse. Immediately, all the plans that Evan had created in his mind to get out of this flew right out the window. “I can deal with inviting everyone, booking a place, all that jazz. All you have to do is show up.” She tapped her fingers against the counter. “Please?”

 

“Of course, ‘Lana,” Zoe said, shooting daggers at Evan and Jared, just daring them to say no. “We’ll all be there, right?” 

 

“Oh, y-yeah, of course,” Evan said, before Jared could interrupt with something that would make this whole thing worse. “It’ll be, uh, fun?” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Oh, yeah, t-totally.”

 

Alana beamed, and turned to Connor, who still hadn’t said anything. He was staring at a scratch in the wood, only looking up when Alana tapped him on the shoulder. “Connor? What do you think?”

 

“Hm? Um, yeah, sounds good,” he muttered. Evan was pretty sure that he had no idea what they were talking about, and he gripped at the hem of his apron from behind the counter.

 

Alana and Zoe exchanged a long glance with each other and stood up in unison without saying a word. “We should probably go now,” Zoe said, grabbing onto Connor’s forearm. Connor winced, and she snapped her hand back, a half-guilty, half-concerned look spreading across her face. 

 

Alana nodded, and said a quick good bye, shooting a forced smile towards Evan. Connor said nothing, just lifted his fingers in a small wave that looked more like a twitch of his hand. The bell above the door rang again, and the three stepped out into the snow.

 

“Well, uh-” Jared cleared his throat, and grabbed Alana’s empty coffee cup that she had left on the counter. “I’m gonna- I’m gonna go-” He gestured to the kitchen, standing there for a minute until he realized that Evan wasn’t going to say anything, and gave a curt nod. He disappeared into the back, leaving Evan standing alone with an empty shop, a broken coffee machine and a churning feeling in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, its been a hot minute since i've updated. it took a long time to write this one, and i still don't really like how it turned out, but i wanted to get something out there
> 
> also, i updated the tags, finally
> 
> follow me on tumblr- seconddegreeburns
> 
> thanks for reading, and leave a comment or kudos!!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone tells evan to not worry, and that's the stupidest thing he's ever heard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: talks of depression, implied suicide mention

_ Today’s News Headline: Trouble in paradise for Connor Murphy?! _

 

_ Members of the ‘You Will Be Found’ project, such as Zoe Murphy, Alana Beck, Jared Kleinman and Evan Hansen have been spotted around the city together, with one glaring exception- Connor Murphy. _

 

_ The young singer has seemingly disappeared since their vacation back to Hansen’s hometown, which makes us ask the question- what is going on with Murphy? _

 

**********

  
  


Zoe pursed her lips and stared at Evan for a long moment, making him tug on the cuffs of Fancy Tailored Suit Number Five. “I don’t like it,” she said finally. “The colour isn’t right.” Alana nodded her agreement from her spot on the bench, and Evan sighed. 

 

“Try this one,” Alana offered, holding out a midnight blue suit with dark silver buttons. Evan grabbed the fabric and slid back into the dressing room, clicking the lock shut behind him.

 

When Jared had suggested that Alana and Zoe take him shopping to “at least find  _ something _ appealing for him to wear to this goddamn party, because he has absolutely no sense of style,” this wasn’t  _ exactly _ what he had pictured.

 

At first, Connor was supposed to come too-which made the whole thing slightly better, because maybe then he could actually  _ talk  _ to Connor- but when Zoe pulled up outside of his apartment this morning, the car had been one person short.

 

“He’ll be fine,” Zoe had assured him. “He just- wasn’t feeling up to it today.” That sentence by itself had been cryptic enough, but there had been a long look exchanged between the two girls at that point, and Evan thought that there was probably more to the story than they were letting on. But still, he didn’t say anything else, and ended up spending two hours at Sephora, helping the girls pick out different shades of lipstick- which he really had no clue about.

 

He wished that Connor was here. Connor would’ve known if red or pink lipstick matched Alana’s skin tone, or if she should just go with the peach color instead. He would’ve snickered when Zoe ordered a cranberry-spinach smoothie, would’ve called it disgusting, before proceeding to drink half of it when her back was turned.

 

Not that Evan didn’t love Zoe and Alana, he really did- Zoe with her jokes and beautiful hair, and Alana with her amazing advice and soft smiles. They were great and- they were his _best friends,_ which was still a strange concept in itself, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, that Connor refused to talk to anyone, and had basically disappeared.

 

And, shit, if that didn’t worry Evan, he didn’t know what could.

 

“That’s the one,” Alana announced when he stepped out of the dressing room. “That’s perfect.”

 

Zoe blinked away fake tears, and rested a hand on her chest. “Our baby’s all grown up,” she teased. “Evan, you look  _ hot.” _

 

Evan attempted a smile. “I’m literally older t-than you,” he said, but his voice cracked on the word ‘older,’ and a concerned expression flitted across Zoe’s eyes.

 

“Whatever,” she said, stepping closer to him and tugging on one of his arms. “I think the sleeves are too long though. ‘Lana, could you go get someone to fix that?” Her tone was light, and Alana could definitely see right through it, but she nodded and left to go back out into the main part of the store.

 

Zoe turned to Evan, gripping at one of his wrists. “Connor’ll be fine,” she whispered, and Evan’s breath hitched in his chest.

 

“How- how do you-”

 

“He  _ will,”  _ Zoe insisted. “He does this sometimes, it used to happen a lot, actually, but- he just doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now.” She squeezed his arm gently and stepped back, smiling softly. “Connor really cares about you, Evan.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Zoe nodded. “But I think you knew that already.”

 

“I- yeah.”

 

She hesitated for a moment, lips parted slightly. “Don’t worry about it,” Zoe said softly. It sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than Evan. “Connor’s not going anywhere.”

 

**********

 

“I’m- I’m worried about Connor.”

 

So much for listening to Zoe.

 

Evan leaned against the edge of the counter, watching as Jared dumped flour into a mixing bowl, getting most of it onto the floor. The kitchen smelt like sugar and chocolate chips, and Evan wondered how long Jared had been doing this in order to make the six batches of cooling cookies that were spread across the counter. “J-Jared? Are you listening? I s-said-”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time,” he said, not looking up from his recipe book. “Didn’t Zoe tell you to back off or something?”

 

“No- well,  _ yes,  _ but- not  _ exactly, _ ” Evan said, drumming his fingertips against the side of his flannel pajama pants. “She just s-said not- not to worry.”

 

“Yeah, you’re doing a great job with that one.”

 

Evan bit his lip, and his eyes drifted towards his socks. The words ‘don’t worry’ had absolutely no effect on him. Thousands of scenarios ran through his head, scenes that made his chest tighten and stomach hurt. Connor sick, Connor gone, Connor-  _ oh god,  _ what if he- if he-

 

“Dude, I can literally hear you thinking from over here.” Evan jumped, and Jared pursed his lips. “The rest of us are care about him too, okay? But if he wants to be left alone, let him be alone.”   
  


“What- what if he  _ doesn’t  _ w-want to be-“

 

“Trust me, Evan, Connor doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now,” Jared frowned. “Zoe already tried, but he just locked his door and screamed at her to fuck off.”

 

Evan’s eyebrows shot up. “W-What? Zoe- why didn’t she t-tell me that yesterday?”

 

“She didn’t want you to freak out.”

 

Heat curled in his stomach, and Evan clenched fistfuls of fabric between his fingers. He was Connor’s friend- he was Connor’s  _ boyfriend,  _ for Christ’s sake _ \-  _ too, and all anyone was doing was telling him that Connor was fine, and that he should just move along and pretend that everything was great?

 

Not that Evan was a stranger to pretending, but still.

 

“I’m n-not a- a  _ child,  _ Jared.” Evan snapped. “He’s- he’s obviously not  _ okay,  _ that’s- that’s b-bullshit and you know it!”

 

“Evan, stop yelling.”

 

“I’m not yelling!” Jared raised an eyebrow, and the blond ducked his head. “I’m not- yelling,” Evan muttered.

 

The timer dinged, effectively cutting them off, and Jared turned away to grab the seventh tray of cookies out of the oven. Evan released his fingers from the tight fists that they had curled into. Why wasn’t anyone  _ listening  _ to him? Why was everyone acting like everything was perfect, when it clearly wasn’t?

 

Jared swung back around, and must’ve saw the expression on Evan’s face, because he sighed and set the tray down on the counter. “Don’t give me that look,” he said.

 

“What- I’m not- I’m not giving you a l-look _.” _

 

“Yes, you are,” Jared groaned. “That’s your ‘I’m pissed but I’m too fucking nice to show it’ face.”

 

Evan tried to rearrange his features into something more neutral, but judging by the way that Jared shook his head, it wasn’t exactly working.

 

“Now you just look like you’re gonna cry. Just- just give him a few days, okay? If it still seems like he’s fallen off the face of the earth, we’ll go over and check on him or something.” Jared paused for a moment. “Correction:  _ you’ll  _ go and check on him, because I’m not about to get my head bit off when we walk in on Connor Murphy doing whatever the hell Connor Murphy's’ do when they’re mad.”

 

_ “M-Mad?” _

 

Jared waved him off. “Angry, upset, crazy- if you want more synonyms, go get a damn thesaurus or something, I don’t care.” Evan winced. “But don’t bother him, alright?”

 

Evan’s nails had begun to dig into his palms again. “Okay,” he whispered.

 

Jared sighed again. “Evan-”

 

“Isaidokay,” he blurted, shifting his weight to the balls of his feet. “I think- um, I’m going to- to bed.”

 

Jared stared at him for a long moment, eyes burning holes into the top of his head. “See you in the morning,” he said finally, and Evan nodded quickly. His socks slapped against the wooden floor, and Evan slipped silently into his bedroom. He closed his door gently, and let out a lungful of air, resting his head against the wall.

 

_ Don’t worry.  _

 

What a fantastic idea.

 

**********

 

**_Text message to: Connor <3_ **

 

**Me:** Hey Connor!

 

**Me:** Are you okay? You haven’t been around lately.

 

**Me:** not that that’s like a bad thing, of course, ha

 

**Me:** but I’m worried about you?

 

**Me:** Sxrry

  
**Me:** connor?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aannndd, she's back with yet another filler chapter. 
> 
> sorry for the long breaks between updates!
> 
> tumblr- seconddegreeburns
> 
> thanks for reading, and leave a kudos or comment!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan kinda sorta steals a car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: depression, talks of suicide and self-harm

**_Currently trending on Twitter:_ ** _#connormurphyprotectionsquad2k17_

 

 **_@conmurph101 tweeted:_ ** Hope you’re feeling better, Con! _#connormurphyprotectionsquad2k17_

 

 **_@forfornever tweeted:_ ** if anyone hurt Connor, I will personally come after them myself. _#connormurphyprotectionsquad2k17_

 

 **_@zozosguitar:_ ** We love you, Connor! Feel better! _#connormurphyprotectionsquad2k17_

 

**********

 

So, Evan might’ve stolen Jared’s car keys while he was in the shower.

 

It wasn’t as if he was entirely unprovoked, though. He was tired of Jared’s useless advice, and Alana’s fake smiles, and Zoe’s empty promises. He was tired of their  ‘just give Connor some time’ routine, which wasn’t working at all, as it had been four more days without so much as a ‘fuck you’ from Connor.

 

Screw the fact that driving in the city kind of made him want to cry, throw up, or pass out. Screw the fact that Jared was probably going to yell at him for stealing his car. For the first time in ages, Evan really didn’t care.

 

Still, even though some rebellious force had taken control of his limbs, that didn’t make driving any easier for him. Evan took three wrong turns- even though he’s been to Connor’s hundreds of times-  forgot to press the gas pedal when the light switched to green at an intersection, and almost hit a group of teenagers walking on the sidewalk to avoid a stray cat that had ran into the road. It wasn’t until Evan had swerved the car into an empty parking space, and was standing in front of Connor’s apartment that he could finally breathe again. Well, sort of, because now all Evan could focus on was that Connor was probably on the other side of the door, doing who-knows-what.

 

He knocked lightly against the wood and waited for a second, listening for some sort of sound to warn him that Connor was home. “Hello?” Evan called softly, tapping on the door again. “Connor? Y-You there?” He wasn’t really expecting an answer, and after a minute of standing awkwardly in the hallway, he reached down to the handle, twisting it gently. The door swung open, and he stared at it for a moment in surprise.

 

“C-Connor?” Evan said again, stepping into the threshold. The apartment was dark, and Evan ran his fingers over the walls, flicking on as many lights as he could. “It’s- it’s Evan.”

 

His sneakers squeaked against the floor, echoing off of the walls into the quiet air. Evan’s stomach turned, and he felt as if he was in a horror movie, when everything goes silent and you know that some guy is going to jump out in a mask, holding onto some terrifying weapon half his size.

 

But nothing happened like that happened- not that Evan believed it would- except for the very hushed ‘fuck off’ that came from behind Connor’s bedroom walls.

 

Relief flooded over him, and Evan let out a breath that he hadn’t registered he had been holding. He slowly pressed open the door, and a square of light creeped into the room, landing on a pile of blankets that was stacked on Connor’s bed. There were clothes spread across the floor like leaves in fall, and instruments that Evan didn’t even know the name of were propped up against walls or lying on the ground.

 

“What part of fuck off do you not understand?” The blankets shifted slightly, and Evan realized that the mound was _Connor._ “I- I thought that that was like- universal language for go _away.”_

 

Whatever reprieve that had hit him a minute ago was completely gone, leaving fingers twisted into the hem of his shirt and a lump the size of a boulder lodging in his throat. Evan stayed rooted to his spot in the doorway, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. “Um- normally, it- uh, it is?” he mumbled. “But, um- I wanted to- to check on you?”

 

The top of Connor’s head peeked out; dull blue eyes giving him an exasperated stare. “Well, good for you, Hansen,” he snapped, “but I’m perfectly fucking fine, so you can go-”

 

“Butyou’renot.”

 

“No idea what you just said.”

 

Evan’s fingers poked a hole into the already worn-down fabric. “But- you’re- not?” he said, pronouncing each word carefully.

 

“What the hell does that mean?”

 

Evan sucked in a shallow breath. “Like- if y-you were fine, you probably wouldn’t be doing- this?”

 

Connor stared at him for a long moment, and Evan’s eyes darted around the room, trying to look anywhere else but him. “Good point,” Connor said finally. “That’s- that’s probably pretty fucking true.”

 

Evan moved a little closer to the edge of the bed. His legs felt like jelly. “Can I- can I c-come in?”

 

There was a slight hesitation before Connor shrugged, burying himself back underneath the blankets. Evan sat gingerly on the edge of the mattress, his fingers tracing patterns onto the fabric.

 

“Have you, uh-?” Evan blurted. His grip on the blanket tightened. “I mean- do you w-want anything?” Connor didn’t move.

 

“Okay,” he decided. “O-Okay, you should probably, um- get a s-shower? Uh, yeah, you should- do that.”

 

Connor’s head poked out again, his eyebrows forming a straight line across his forehead. “What a great idea,” he said sarcastically. “Why didn’t I fucking think of that?”

 

Evan’s stomach flipped. “Y-Yeah, so, um- I think you s-should do that now?” Once again, Connor stayed frozen. “Do you need, um, h-help?”

 

“ _No,”_ Connor snapped. He slowly kicked away the covers, and sat up shakily. There were dark bags underneath his eyes that contrasted against his pale skin, and his hair was tangled and greasy.

 

“So, um- I’m going to go- get you s-some food or- something? Is that- okay?” Connor stood up, and for a second, Evan thought that he was going to fall, but he just rocked back on his heels before shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

 

“Do whatever you want, I don’t give a damn,” Connor mumbled. He moved towards the bathroom door, stopping when he noticed that Evan was still staring at him. “You can go now, I’m not gonna fucking try anything.”

 

Evan winced. The floor became very interesting all of a sudden, and he curled his toes together. “No- no, I’m sorry, s-sorry.” He backed out of the room, leaving the door open a crack and waiting until he could hear the sound of running water before moving away from Connor and the bedroom with its suffocating tightness.

 

The kitchen was a mess; boxes left lying half-open, papers stacked into mounds, and dishes thrown across every available surface. Evan stepped carefully over a pile of broken glass that was lying on the ground, and began to sift through the cupboards, grabbing the first can of soup he could find. He hands were shaking so hard that he could barely read the instructions that were printed on the side of the can.

 

Evan- Evan didn’t know how to do this. He knew what it felt like for him; he knew what it was like to lie in bed for days, what it was like to feel- hopeless? But Connor- Connor wasn’t Evan, and he didn’t have Heidi- someone who could _actually_ help, with soft words and whispered encouragements that forced him to go for walks, or clean up his room, or at least get out of bed. All Connor had right now was Evan himself, who had chicken noodle soup, a stolen car, and a whole bunch of self-deprecating thoughts.

 

If Evan was in Connor’s place currently, he probably would’ve said ‘fuck off’ too.

 

By the time that Evan finally figured out how to make soup on Connor’s way-fancier- than-necessary stovetop and cleaned up the kitchen somewhat, the water had stopped running in the shower and Evan tapped on Connor’s bedroom door.

 

“Can I- c-come in?” There were mumbled words that Evan couldn't quite pick out as a reply, and he softly walked inside, balancing the bowl in one hand. Connor was sitting on his bed again in his oversized ‘Welcome To Ohio’ hoodie that Evan had bought him in the airport, glaring down at his hands. Damp strands of hair hung over his eyes, and his shoulders were hunched. “Um- I made you soup? It’s- I probably m-messed it up, but- yeah.”

 

“It’s pretty hard to screw up stuff from a can,” Connor said flatly, taking the dish from Evan. He slowly started to spoon liquid into his mouth, not really paying attention to the fact that it was still blistering hot, or that the tips of his hair were getting soaked with soup.

 

“Here- let me, um pull y-your hair back?” Evan said. Connor shrugged again, and the shorter boy started to comb his fingers through Connor’s curls, brushing it into a low ponytail. “Do you h-have an elas- oh, thanks.”

 

Everything was quiet for a moment, until Connor turned, placing the half-empty bowl on the table next to the bed. “Later,” he said, seeing the look on Evan’s face.

 

“Okay.” Evan said softly, fiddling with his fingers. Connor said something inaudible, and Evan tilted his head up questioningly. “What- what was that?”

 

 _“Sorry,”_ came the muffled answer, and Evan felt as if someone was crushing his heart with their bare hands. “Christ, I’m- I’m sorry.”

 

Connor was shaking, and Evan scooted closer, resting a hand tentatively on his shoulder; and wrapping his arms around Connor when he seemed to lean into the touch. “No, no- don’t be s-sorry, Connor, it’s n-not your- fault, it’s not your fault.”

 

 _“Bullshit,”_ Connor spat. “I’m- I’m so stupid, and it’s all my fucking-”

 

“It’s _not,_ C-Connor,” Evan interrupted. “This- it’s a lot of t-things, but it’s not y-your fault. At all.”

 

Connor’s jaw clenched, and he screwed his eyes shut. He didn’t say anything, and Evan slowly leaned back so that they were lying down facing each other with Evan’s nose inches away from Connor’s chest. “You could- talk about it? With me? Uh- it could h-help?”

 

Connor stayed silent for a long moment, keeping his eyes trained on his fingernails that now only had flecks of black nail polish left on them. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “I don’t know, it just- got too much all at the one time, and it’s so damn stupid, and everyone is so fucking- _happy,_ and I should be happy, I should be, and then I’m not? I should be getting better, and I’m _not,_ and-”

 

Connor’s grip on Evan’s waist tightened, and Evan patted his back awkwardly. “Connor- Connor, w-wait,” he said, trying to stop the erratic rise and fall of Connor’s chest. “It’s okay, you’re o-okay. You know- you can’t just- magically _get better,_ it doesn’t w-work like that, and nothing’s really a s-straight line? And you _are_ getting b-better, but- that doesn’t mean you have to be happy a-all the time.”

 

Connor stared There was a tense silence, and the air was like glass; as though if someone said the wrong thing, Connor would break, Evan would break, whatever little bubble that they had forced themselves in would shatter into a million pieces, and everything would be ruined.

 

Connor’s eyes were focused on something ov.er Evan’s shoulder, and he sighed. “Yeah, whatever, but- _you’re_ better, and I’m-”

 

“I’m n-not- not _better,_ probably won’t e-ever be, and- I have bad days too, and- that’s okay. It’s okay,” Evan muttered.

 

“I’m- going in fucking _circles,_ Evan. Like one minute, I’m fine, and then the next- I don’t even _know._ And I don’t know how to- talk to anyone about it, and we’ve been over this, and every damn time-”

 

“You’re- talking to me now, th-though,” Evan interrupted. Connor stilled, and Evan took that as a sign to keep going. “You’re talking now, and- that’s g-good, right?” A hesitant nod. “So, you see- y-you’re not going in circles- you’re not.”

 

Connor stayed silent for a long moment, only shifting slightly, tucking his free hand underneath his head. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater over the heels of his hands, and Evan bit his lip.

 

“Um, Connor?”

 

“Mm.”

 

Evan’s eyes latched onto Connor’s arms, and he followed his gaze. “You, um- you didn’t like, do a-anything, right? I mean, if you did, that’s okay- wait, n-no, _not_ okay, but we can-”

 

“No,” Connor mumbled. “I didn’t.”

 

“You- promise?”

 

“Promise.”

 

“That’s- that’s good,” Evan exhaled. Connor hummed disdainfully, letting his head sink back into the pillow. Silence filled the room once again, and Evan tugged gently on the strings of Connor’s hoodie. “Hey,” he said softly. “Did you, uh, k-know you’re trending on Twitter?”

 

Connor’s lips twitched upwards. “Oh, yeah?”

 

“Y-Yeah,” Evan smiled. “It’s uh- Connor Murphy Protection Squad 2k17, i t-think- or something like that?”

 

Connor let out a light huff of air, the closest thing to a laugh that Evan had heard from him in weeks, and his heart swelled. “That’s- that’s really something,” he muttered.

 

There was another long pause, and Evan continued to play with the strings of the hoodie, until Connor cleared his throat gently. “Um- thank you, for- this. It’s just- I don’t think that a lot of people would’ve done this and- yeah. Thanks.”

 

Evan tilted his head up. “You w-would’ve d-done the same thing for me, I t-think? But, um- Zoe, and Alana, and Jared- they a-all would’ve helped, if you had w-wanted them to. You- you really scared us.”

 

Connor frowned. “I- I should call her,” he murmured. “Zoe, I mean.”

 

“Mm.”

 

“Evan?”

 

“Yeah?"

 

Connor hesitated for a second, as if there was something else he wanted to say, but he snapped his mouth shut and pursed his lips together. “Nothing, just- I really fucking love you, Evan Hansen.”

 

“I really love you t-too.” Connor really smiled that time, even though it fell off of his face a few moments later, and Evan grinned back, letting his chest finally loosen.

 

It wasn’t until later that night, after Connor had called Zoe and assured her that he was okay- and Zoe had been pissed for the first few seconds, before telling him _if this ever happens again without you calling me, I will tear you apart,_ which Evan thought was a bit excessive, but oh well- and he had fallen asleep with Evan lying against his chest, that Evan realized how _scared_ he had been. That he was going to walk into the apartment, and the heartbeat that was currently echoing in his ears would be- gone?

 

Months ago, he never would’ve believed he would say this, but now- now, Evan didn’t think that he could imagine a world without Connor Murphy, which was a really strange thing to think, but. Yeah.

 

(Except, the problem was, that he totally could. He could picture cold hands, pale lips, glassy eyes; empty pill bottles and black clothing; and even the _thought_ of that made his head spin, but it was still there, teasing, poking at him from the back of his mind.)

 

But Connor was here. He was here; lips slightly parted, little huffs of air rustling Evan’s hair, and faded freckles sprinkled across his nose that stood out against his pale skin, it was all there. And right now, in this moment, he didn’t have to think about that, because Connor was here, and even if he wasn’t _great-_ although, none of them were really ‘great’ by normal standards _-_ he was _alive._ And that was enough to make Evan close his eyes, and listen to the quiet breathing in the still room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr- seconddegreeburns 
> 
> leave a comment or kudos if you want, and thanks for reading!


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone is trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha, yeah, remember that oc that i threw in here seventeen chapters ago, and never mentioned again? um, yeah, that's the one.
> 
> i'm going to be taking a few 'artistic liberates' in the next few chapters, so just,, bear with me. also, i apologize in advance for this being so bad
> 
> warnings: mentions of depression

_ Today’s Headline News: Pre-orders for ‘For Forever’s’ new album, ‘You Will Be Found’ break records with over three hundred thousand copies sold before the January 1st release. _

  
  


Alana knocked on the door to Connor’s apartment at ten in the morning, carrying six different boxes, and dragging a half-awake Zoe behind her.

 

“Board games,” she grinned, tossing the boxes into a pile onto Connor’s living room floor once Evan had answered the door. “Everyone likes board games, right?”

 

“I t-think?” Evan yawned. He rubbed his eyes with his fists, and Alana’s smile dimmed slightly.

 

“Where’s Connor?”

 

Evan nodded wordlessly towards the bedroom. Alana’s eyes darted towards the closed door. “How long has he been in there?” she asked.

 

“Um, since l-last night, at least,” Evan said. “But- probably-um,  _ definitely- _ before that.” The words were barely out of his mouth, and Alana was marching into Connor’s room, nearly yanking the door off it’s hinges.

 

“What the hell?” Connor hissed, digging his head deeper into his pillow. Alana ignored him and pulled open his curtains.  _ “Alana.” _

 

She smiled cheerfully, and started moving around the room, organizing clothes and shoes into piles. “We could play Monopoly,” she said, avoiding Connor’s withering gaze. “Or I could kick your ass at Clue, it’s your choice, really.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Alana’s making us play board games with her,” Zoe groaned, flopping on the bed next to Connor.  The mattress creaked underneath her weight, and Connor turned his head so that the slice of brown in his right iris was showing. She gave her brother a soft smile, and lowered her voice considerably. “How’re you feeling?” 

 

Connor bit his lip, and something shifted in his eyes. “Better,” he said finally. “Slightly.”

 

“Great,” Alana said, stacking a pile of papers neatly onto Connor’s desk. “I’m making hot chocolate, and you’re getting out of bed.”

 

“It’s fucking  _ freezing  _ in here,” Connor grumbled, and he turned to Evan, who watching the whole things with wide eyes from the doorway. “Ev, why would you let them into my house?”

 

“Um-”

 

“He didn’t exactly have a choice,” Zoe interrupted, stretching her arms above her head. “We kind of threatened him via text message.”

 

“Don’t threaten my boyfriend ‘via text message,’” Connor mumbled. But he swung his legs over the side of the bed, and even though he was complaining the whole time, Connor dragged himself out to the living room and sat on the floor next to Evan, who gave him a grin and kissed his cheek.

 

Jared showed up later that day, grumbling about how Evan had stolen his car the night before and he had to “take a fucking  _ taxi  _ over here,” and “do you know how damn expensive those things are, Hansen?”

 

“Oh- uh, sorry,” Evan muttered, the tips of his ears going red. 

 

“Whatever,” Jared shrugged. “I stole your wallet to pay for it, anyway.”

 

“How did you- you- you went in my r-room?”

 

Jared grinned wildly. “Dude, I’ve been doing this for years, how did you not notice?” His eyes darted around the room to Connor, and in one swift movement, he stomped over to him and wrapped his arms around his skinny frame. Jared whispered something in his ear that the other three couldn’t hear, and the corners of Connor’s mouth twitched upwards.

 

“I know,” he said to Jared, who stuck his tongue out at him. “And you’re a dick.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Jared smirked, flopping down on the floor between Connor and Zoe. “What’re we doing?”

 

“Alana’s winning her fourth game of Clue,” Zoe said. Jared looked down at the board, and nudged it with his foot, ignoring Alana’s cries as the cards and pieces went everywhere.

 

“Not anymore, Beck,” Jared grinned, and Alana threw one of the miniature figurines at his head.

 

Everyone laughed, including Connor, and Evan laced their fingers together.

 

**********

 

The next few days were mostly the same. Zoe and Alana came over often, usually with Zoe bringing her guitar and playing it with her brother for hours on end. Alana and Evan would sit together, watching the siblings laugh whenever the other messed up, and it made something warm glow in Evan’s chest. Jared stopped by too, always with some sort of new recipe that he had been dying to try out on someone, and even Heidi called Connor to check up on him. Connor had answered that call with a shocked look on his face; one that slowly progressed in something close to happiness as the conversation went on.

 

Evan slept over at Connor’s apartment every night, until Connor finally kicked him out, telling him to go home and get some actual sleep. He assured Evan that yes, he was fine, yes, he would call him if he needed anything and no, Evan was not staying here any longer and he had thirty seconds to get Jared to come pick him up.

 

He still came over as much as he could though, even after Connor told him that he didn’t need to. They went on long walks around the city, watched bad movies, and even tried to make spaghetti once(Evan was pretty sure that there was still sauce on the ceiling). And it seemed to help Connor. That, and therapy sessions, that everyone was adamant on him attending, especially after they found out that Connor had been skipping most of them lately. 

 

Connor seemed to smile more too, but it was softer than his normal one, and every time that he did it, Evan felt all warm and melty inside, and it made him want to chase away all mental illnesses with a stick. 

 

Unfortunately for both of them, that wasn’t exactly how it worked. But, Evan thought, it was worth a try. 

 

And everyone was okay. They were okay.

 

**********

 

**_Group message with: Alana, Zoe, Jared, Connor <3 and Me_ **

 

**Alana:** So, I had an idea.

 

**Jared:** no. please, no.

 

**Jared:** this is how it always starts

 

**Zoe:** jared, you literally have the worst ideas ever

 

**Zoe:** continue, alana.

 

**Alana:** Okay, so the date of the concert was set for March, right?

 

**Connor <3: ** bingo

 

**Jared:** save the sass, con

 

**Connor <3: ** dont call me con

 

**Jared:** c o n

 

**Zoe:** ANYWAYS

 

**Alana:** I did a little research on the subject, and I think it would be a better idea if we had the benefit concert slightly sooner than planned. 

 

**Jared:** jesus fucking christ

 

**Zoe:** how much sooner are we talking here?

 

**Alana:** Two and half weeks from today.

 

**Connor:** shit 

 

**Zoe:** alana, honey, you do realize that’s like,,, really fucking soon

 

**Alana:** Yes, I know.

 

**Alana:** Just think about it. Please.

 

**********

 

**_You have one new text message from: Connor <3_ **

 

**Connor <3: ** you awake?

 

**Me:** I am now.

 

**Connor <3: ** good

 

**Connor <3: ** cuz im outside your house

 

**********

 

“You- you really sh-should give me more w-warning when- when you show up at t-two a.m,” Evan mumbled, as he slipped into Connor’s car. Connor gave him a side glance, and pulled the car onto the road. 

 

“I wanted juice,” Connor said matter-of-factly. A smile tugged at his lips, and he tucked a piece of loose hair behind his ear.

 

“You know, J-Jared, has like- seven different types of juice in our fridge, right?” Connor just shrugged and leaned back in his seat. Evan copied his motion, resting his head against the ripped leather that Connor refused to get fixed. He wasn’t about to complain, though, not when he was pretty sure that this was the first time Connor had actually left his apartment willingly since Evan had went over.

 

Connor started humming along to the song that was playing on the radio, and Evan glanced over at him. He had his head propped up with three fingers, nodding along to the music, and he was doing that little half-smile thing, the one that always made Evan’s stomach turn, in the good way. Yellow streetlights illuminated his head like a halo, messy brown hair dancing in the air.  

 

“What’re you looking at?” 

 

Evan grinned shyly. “You?”

 

The tips of Connor’s ears coloured pink, and he kept his eyes glued to the road. “You’re such a nerd, Hansen,” he muttered, running his bottom lip between his teeth. “C’mon, we’re here.” 

 

Evan climbed out of the car and followed Connor into a twenty-four hour grocery store that had one bored-looking teenager with purple hair sitting behind the counter who didn’t even glance at them.

 

“Hey, look, it’s you,” Evan said quietly, picking up a magazine that had a picture of Connor and Zoe walking down the street together. “‘For Forever Breaks Records With Their New Album.’ W-Wow, that makes you sound- like, i-impressive or something?”

 

“Damn right,” Connor grinned, plucking the magazine from his fingers and replacing it with his hand. 

 

They walked through the store together, and Evan leaned into Connor’s side slightly. The fluorescent lights hummed above them, and the heels of Connor’s combat boots slapped against the tiles. “So, uh-” Evan began, eyes flitting over the shelves lining the walls. “What Alana said earlier- are you guys actually going to do it? Like change the date of the c-concert?”

 

Connor shrugged. “Alana’s crazy,” he said. “But she knows what she’s doing. Usually.” 

 

“Usually?”

 

Connor opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by the buzzing of his phone. “Zoe- hello?” Loud yelling came through the other end, and Connor winced. “No, I’m with Evan- I’m  _ fine,  _ Z- no, we’re in a grocery store- because I fucking wanted to, that’s why.” Connor sighed, and held up a finger for Evan in a ‘one second’ gesture, and moved off to the side. 

 

Evan grinned to himself as he heard Zoe’s faint voice come through the phone, and he rubbed his arms against the chilly air coming from the freezers, wishing he had brought a sweater.

 

“No, Zoe… I didn’t  _ drag  _ him here… he wanted to come! You- oh, shut up…”

 

There was two taps on his shoulder, and Evan turned around, expecting to see Connor rolling his eyes at him. What he didn’t expect, was to see freaking _Matt_ staring back at him with a huge grin on his face.

 

“Evan! Hey!” Matt said. Evan gulped and almost dropped the carton of juice that he was holding, one hand flying to the hem of his shirt. “What’re you doing here?”

 

Evan had made it a point to avoid Matt as much as he could. In every class that they had together, Evan made sure to duck in right before the bell rang, and leave right after it finished, making it pretty hard for him- or, anyone, really- to talk to him. Matt wasn’t really  _ mean  _ to him, not as bad as most people were, anyway, but he was… weird. No, not weird. More like  _ uncomfortable,  _ like how Evan’s skin crawled whenever Matt touched him, or how Evan always felt as if he was looking right through him, as if he knew something that Evan didn’t and he liked to hold that against him. 

 

“Oh, uh- you know, just, buying things, ha, isn’t that w-weird?” Evan stammered, tugging on his collar. “Like, wow, who does that?” He meant for it to come out sarcastically, but it ended up just sounding nervous and stupid, and he gripped onto his shirt even tighter. 

 

“That’s funny,” Matt grinned. He patted Evan on the shoulder, and Evan ducked away. “You’re funny.”

 

“Not really,” he mumbled. “I’m not- really that funny.”

 

“Sure.” Evan gulped and tried to look at anything but Matt’s teeth that were so white, they were giving him a headache. 

 

Evan thanked his lucky stars when Connor came back around the corner, shoving his phone back into his pocket and grumbling about how he couldn’t be left alone for more than ten minutes anymore. “ _ Honestly,  _ Evan, that girl is fucking persistent, and- um, who’s this?”

 

_ No no no.  _ Evan swallowed and studied the laces of his sneakers. “This is- uh, Matt? We- go to school together?”

 

“We’re friends,” Matt said, and Evan wanted to scream that no, they’re not, but the words stuck in his throat, and he snapped his mouth shut. “Connor Murphy, yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” Connor said drily, drawing out the word. He accepted Matt’s outstretched hand, shaking it slowly. “What’s going on?”

 

“Oh, you know. Just buying things.” Evan’s cheeks burned, and he stared even more intently at the floor. Matt punched his arm. “Right, Ev?”

 

“Don’t- call me that,” he muttered, and Matt raised an eyebrow. Connor looked back and forth between them, taking in Evan’s red face and his hunched stance, before clearing his throat and gently reaching out to tap the back of Evan’s clenched fist with his nail.

 

“We should be going,” he said, and Evan nodded vigorously. “We have, uh- a thing in the morning, so… yeah.”

 

“A th-thing?” Connor gave him a pointed look, and Evan’s eyes widened. “Yes! A thing! That we have to- be at. Tomorrow.”

 

Matt looked mildly amused, and he crossed his arms over his chest. “See you soon,” he said, and Connor whispered a  _ ‘probably not’  _ underneath his breath, that Evan wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear, but did anyway. Connor took the carton of juice out of his hands and speed-walked to the cash register, Evan tripping after him. 

 

Purple-Haired Teenager finally looked up from her magazine, the one that had Connor on the front, a bored expression on her face. “Hi, what can I-“ Her eyes widened, and she looked between the magazine and Connor’s face. “Holy shit, are you Connor Murphy?”

 

“Mhm,” Connor muttered, throwing a bill across the counter and giving her a quick nod before running out of the store. Evan gave the girl an apologetic smile, who was gaping at the two like a fish out of water and followed Connor out to his car, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

 

Connor sucked in a deep breath, and tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. “You okay?” He asked.

 

Evan furrowed his brow. “Me? Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” he mumbled. “Are- are you?”

 

Connor scrunched up his nose, and glared up at the cloudy sky, keeping his lips pressed together. “I didn’t know you had any friends,” he said finally, avoiding the question. Evan’s face fell, and Connor visibly winced. “ _ Shit-  _ no _ ,  _ sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. That’s- that’s not what I meant.”

 

“No, no- it’s okay. We’re not- he’s not- we’re not friends,” Evan choked. “He’s- yeah. Not friends.”

 

‘Oh.” Connor twisted the ring of keys around his pointer finger. “That’s- good?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You- you sure you’re okay?” Evan nodded, and Connor mimicked his movement. “You’ll tell me if I need to punch someone?”

 

“I’ll t-tell you if you need to punch someone,” Evan echoed. “You’ll me if  _ I  _ need to punch someone?” 

 

“Sure, Hansen,” Connor nodded. He pulled the car out of the parking lot, and they started down the road. As the store faded into the distance, Evan’s fingers, which had turned purple at the tips, relaxed around the fabric of his shirt, and he leaned back in his seat.

 

“Cool,” Evan breathed. 

 

“Cool.” 

 

Evan’s nails dig into the seat. “Just saying, but- I’m pretty sure you have that girl b-back there a heart attack?”

 

“Fuck.” Connor screwed his eyebrows so tight together that Evan had to laugh, and Connor pretended to frown at him, but his lips twitched upwards and his grip on the steering wheel loosened, and Evan smiled, letting the heavy feeling that had settled on his chest lighten ever-so slightly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, if i'm right, there's around 5-6 chapters left of this fic. we're nearing the end
> 
> thanks for reading, and if you want leave kudos or a comment<3

**Author's Note:**

> if anyone wants to drop a comment with some advice or anything, that'd be pretty cool! thanks for reading whatever this was <3


End file.
